It was pretty clear, even before Super Tuesday, that Elizabeth Warren was not going to be the Democratic Party’s nominee. Whatever Crest 3D Whitestrips-induced spell Joe Biden cast over the people of South Carolina that spread faster than the Coronavirus into the campaigns of both Buttigieg and Klobuchar pretty much solidified that. I knew it was a long shot, but I was still excited to cast my vote for a female candidate that I truly felt was the best person for the job.

On Sunday night, two days before I would vote for Warren, I was chatting with my ex-boyfriend about the election. Which I recognize was probably my first mistake. He tried to convince me to switch my vote to Bernie. At the time, I was a little annoyed but mostly just glad that, as his EX-girlfriend, I could argue with him without having to worry about the impact it would have on an already fragile and clearly unhealthy relationship. But now, after a Tuesday that most can agree was not-so-f*cking super, I’m pissed.

And I’m not the only person who had to fight off a Bernie bro trying to bully them into changing their vote. So for those of you who, like me, are angry that Warren is out and could use some commiseration, or for those of you who, like my ex, are angry that she didn’t drop out sooner, here is a list of reasons why Warren’s candidacy was f*cking important and it’s a god damn shame that she’s gone. 

Me to everyone who said Warren wasn’t electable.

Would you like your white man to be 77 or 78 years old?

I mean seriously America. How did we go from the most diverse cast of characters candidates in a presidential race to two men who if you squinted and tilted your head just right, could be the same person on different days? One post-spa visit that offered half-price tanning and teeth whitening packages, and the other post-night of literally being the old man who went to bed and bumped his head and couldn’t get up in the morning. 

Me, I’m more disappointed.

Yes, Warren is white and 70—she’s not the most representative of the diversity we need to see in American politics. But she IS a woman who, in addition to being a fashion icon for every girl who has ever wanted to wear exclusively all black with just a pop of color—was able to get a point across during a debate without yelling, completely losing track of a thought, confusing his sister for his wife, or being compared to a communist dictator.

May I remind you: 

She could have beaten Trump

I’m not entirely convinced Trump will, under any circumstances, leave the White House in 2021. I wouldn’t be surprised if he glued himself to the chair in the Oval Office and just whined “mine” until we all gave up trying. But, of the three valid candidates still in the race on Tuesday— Biden, Bernie, and Warren (Bloomberg doesn’t count because according to Wikipedia Warren killed him during the Las Vegas debate, and Tulsi doesn’t count because no explanation needed)—I honestly feel like she had the best chance to win.

Trump and Russia clearly want Bernie to be the candidate, which is a red flag that no one, not even someone like me who throws herself into red flags like a slalom skier who forgot how the race works, should ignore. And Biden? Did everyone just forget that Trump basically won Impeachment, a game in which Biden was implicated in foul play? Do we think this is going to end up working out for us? Let’s ask the man himself:

Doesn’t instill a ton of confidence.

Please, look me in the eye and tell me Warren is less electable than those two and say it with a straight face without recognizing that you are being just like, a little bit sexist…which brings me to my final point: 

Are we just supposed to be okay with how sexist this is?

Even my Bernie bro ex thinks Warren was the most qualified candidate. He agrees most strongly with her policies, and thought she would make the best president. But he and so many others like him had no intention of ever voting for her because “she wouldn’t win”. The “it’s not that I don’t want a female President, I just don’t think the rest of America is ready for it” argument. It’s a self-fulfilling sexist AF prophecy, and now we all have to live with those people saying they were right. I’m starting to feel like the ceiling was made with bulletproof glass and everyone is so wrapped up in Hilary 2016 PTSD that they won’t even let us try to break through. 

so solid you can feel your head banging on it.

— Emma Gray (@emmaladyrose) March 5, 2020

Eventually, I will rally behind whoever the Democratic nominee ends up being, and I’ll rally hard. But for just a little while I am going to wear all black with just a pop of color and sit shiva for the loss of Elizabeth Warren from the top of our ticket.

Images: Maverick Pictures / Shutterstock; Giphy (4); audreygelman / Twitter

Welp, it’s official. Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts has opened up an exploratory committee, which is phase one of running for President in 2020. It’s like the casual coffee date of politics. If you like what you see, maybe you’ll move on to get drinks. Then you hook up a few times, things get serious, and next thing you know it’s a four-year relationship.

Senator Warren announced her candidacy on Twitter (coming for Donald in his own house, I see…) with a video focusing on her platform of economic justice, financial regulation, and just like generally yelling at rich people.

Every person in America should be able to work hard, play by the same set of rules, & take care of themselves & the people they love. That’s what I’m fighting for, & that’s why I’m launching an exploratory committee for president. I need you with me: https://t.co/BNl2I1m8OX pic.twitter.com/uXXtp94EvY

— Elizabeth Warren (@ewarren) December 31, 2018

But like, should Liz be president? That’s for you – and the nation – to decide. Here’s everything you need to know about her before the 2020 election. Which is next year, btw. *Starts panicking*

Who TF Is Elizabeth Warren?

Umm you should def know who Elizabeth Warren is by now, but this is a judgement-free article so I’ll let it slide. Elizabeth Warren is the Senator from Massachusetts who is best known for her ability to go apesh*t on bankers. Seriously. Watch this video of her hulking out on a Wells Fargo CEO after their company was caught creating fake accounts and cheating customers out of millions of dollars. She’s like, that version of you in your head that has the perfect clapbacks for everything and gives zero f*cks but like, in real life and in government.

But Elizabeth Warren doesn’t just jump out of bushes and scare billionaires (though I am pretty sure she does that). Warren is a former Harvard Law professor (what, like it’s hard?) who grew up in Oklahoma where her family struggled economically after the death of her father. She became an expert in bankruptcy law, and she became the HBLIC (Head Bankruptcy Lawyer In Charge) when former/forever President Barack Obama picked her to chair the Congressional Oversight Panel for the Troubled Asset Relief Program.

…Aaand what exactly does the “Congressional Oversight Panel for the Troubled Asset Relief Program” heven me? Basically she was part of helping Obama bring the economy back after the banking crisis of 2008. She then went on to head the newly created Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, where it basically became her literal job to tell big banks to f*ck themselves. Dress for the job you want, fam.

In 2012, Warren went on to become the Senator from Massachusetts where she has had the distinct privilege of yelling not only at bankers, but at Mitch McConnell. In 2017, McConnell actually had the Senate vote to silence Warren (yes, the Senate can vote to silence people) during her objections to the confirmation of Jeff Sessions. When asked about voting to silence Warren, McConnell said, “ was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.”

And thus, a feminist meme was born. And if that’s not her campaign slogan, she’s already lost.

So What Are The Pros?

Elizabeth Warren is progressive as f*ckkkk–assuming you’re into that kind of thing. If you’re not, maybe you can try Sears Biden? She’s running on a platform of middle class economic relief, Medicare for all, racial justice, climate action, and basically everything your #wokest of woke friend starts yelling about when she’s drunk at brunch.

Also she pisses off Trump a lot, and the enemy of my enemy is my friend, ya know?

Aaaand The Cons?

There’s no more eloquent way to put this. Back in October our girl Liz did a dumb, dumb thing that made her look dumb and now she might not win because of how dumb she looked. Here’s the background: in the ‘90s, Elizabeth Warren filled out a form for the Association of American Law Schools where she said that she was Native American. Harvard then listed her as a minority. Warren says that she made this designation because of “family stories” that had been passed down to her, and Harvard said that she did not list herself as a minority on her application to get into school there, so it did not affect her admission.  A  report in the Boston Globe that looked into Warren’s career said that ethnicity played “no factor”. But because Trump is who he is (a demon created when the eighties f*cked a gun), he now calls Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” He does this because he is racist likes to claim that she falsified her race to get ahead professionally.

Unfortunately, Trump’s bullsh*t got the best of her, and back in October 2018 she went out and released the results of a DNA test which showed that she had a Native American ancestor between six and ten generations ago. So like…two hundred years ago. Basically she acted like that one relative whose 23 And Me says they’re .00008% Lakota and starts making you call them Aunt Blood Moon. Not a great look. Warren was criticized by the Cherokee nation over the move (I believe their exact words were “b*tch please…”) and Trump still calls her Pocahontas because he is racist doesn’t really give a f*ck if she’s Native American or not.

Where Do I Find Out More?

Wanna find out more about Elizabeth Warren for President? Here is the website for her exploratory committee. It’s never too early to start stanning your (wo)man for 2020.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Politics is a forward-looking game. I mean it shouldn’t be, politics genuinely affects people’s lives in a very real and visceral sense and its gamification is shameful, but welcome to 2018. As a rule what’s going to happen is more interesting than what’s happening at the moment (especially when what’s happening at the moment is ghastly). It’s normal, then, that people want to know who might run for president in 2020.

And worry not, there’s a deep pool of grifters more than willing to make their intentions perfectly clear. Obviously anything is possible, but these are the folks who’ve made it clear they have their eyes on the awful, gilded White House in 2020.

Beto O’Rourke

Fresh off a close loss in Texas to the Zodiac Killer Ted Cruz, Beto seems to think he has the momentum to parlay the nationwide attention he received for a presidential bid. He may be right! Of all the people on this list he’s probably the one I’d least like to see catapulted into the Sun. Beto recently met with Al Sharpton, which people are taking as a big sign he’s running.

(Editor’s Note: The Head Pro – for reasons that I will never understand – failed to mention that in addition to being a bonafide progressive with exciting ideas, Beto O’Rourke is also a sexy, sexy lil snack. I feel this is an important part of his backstory and qualifications, which is why I’ve mentioned it here.)

John Kasich

After getting mollywhopped by Trump in 2016, Kasich said recently that he’s seriously considering doing it again. Is this a smart idea, for him? No! Will I enjoy seeing him prostrate himself before Trump when he inevitably loses again? Absolutely.

Kamala Harris

Harris said she’ll make a decision on whether or not to make a play for 2020 over the holidays. That could make for a very merry Christmas for anyone looking to Senator Harris bring her signature shade to the White House and/or for anyone who has already purchased our icons tee.

Joe Biden

Biden hasn’t made any obvious declarations yet, but people have noticed that his recent speaking engagements have a distinctly political tone to them. God, please no. Joe Biden is approximately one thousand years old.

Elizabeth Warren

Warren has been spotted scouting out locations for a campaign headquarters, so it’s safe to say the frequent target of Trump’s ire is running. She’s been pretty consistently progressive throughout her career, but her officially running would just dredge up the insufferable DNA testing fiasco again. (You know, the time she released a DNA test to prove she 1/32 Cherokke – aka the most white lady sh*t anyone has ever done.) Thank you, next!

Michael Bloomberg

The former NYC mayor is talking about 2020 a lot in the news, and reportedly met with some top Democratic officials in Iowa. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that we don’t need to follow up Donald Trump’s presidency with another out-of-touch NY billionaire. Just sayin’…

Cory Booker

Cory is reportedly doing campaign sh*t in New Hampshire. Cool, I guess? Booker was pretty vocal during Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation hearings, but Senate Democrats in general have been spineless pushovers since Trump took office. Most of that is on Chuck Schumer, who sucks ass, but it’s at least a little bit on all of them.

Jeff Flake

Recent reports peg Jeff as backing away from a potential run if anything, but power is sexy, and it’s not like he’ll have another job to do. Besides, there’s nothing Jeff Flake loves more than to stand in front of a camera promising to do something about Trump and then getting absolutely humiliated by them. He gets off on it. I say if Kasich goes for it, so does Flake.

Bernie Sanders

Look, all the credit in the world to Bernie for shining a national spotlight on progressive policies and generally moving the Democrat party further left. But if 2020 is going to be a big year for change, a guy older than the Sun is probably not the best standard bearer for that. Also I can’t live through another primary full of Bernie Bros. I just can’t.

Hillary Clinton?

Ok, so this is probably not going to happen, but a surprising number of people seem to want it to. A single poll apparently showed Hillary receiving more support than Beto O’Rourke, which was apparently enough for multiple outlets to talk to people who openly mused about how there’s no reason she couldn’t run. If this happens, I will not be voting – not because I do not believe in the power of the vote – but because I will have renounced my U.S. citizenship and moved to the Moon to live out my days in solitude.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!