If you’ve already been bombarded with invitations for upcoming spring weddings, mazel tov and welcome to adulthood. We’re all for basking in the glow of happiness and love, but being subjected to the same spring wedding trends over and over (and over) can get, well, boring. Just because spring weddings aren’t super common doesn’t mean we haven’t seen the same floral decor everywhere. If you’re planning a spring wedding for 2020 (or a quickie elopement for April or May) here are a few trends you’re encouraged to remove from the nuptials narrative, if you will. In other words, avoid these wedding trends for spring like Miranda Priestly would avoid florals.
1. Flower Crowns
This isn’t Coachella circa 2012. Flower crowns definitely had their moment in the spotlight a few years ago when literally everything was boho-inspired or nature-centric, but it’s time for this particular trend to go back from whence it came, which, I assume, is the Indio desert. Flowers in a bride’s hair are absolutely acceptable, but forcing 10 bridesmaids to have woven crowns of orchids or roses or some rare poisonous bloom I’ve never heard of? No thanks.
2. Succulents As Gifts
They’ll die. You’re dooming that cute cactus and that adorable baby aloe plant to be left behind and thrown away, or to sit in a car until it shrivels and dies, or to be sentenced to a life of being nibbled on by a passive-aggressive cat. Give your guests something they’ll use and love immediately, like extra bags of cookies or local honey.
3. Hand-Painted Signs
I don’t care how much money you saved on Etsy. The whole boho-chic wood sign with calligraphy trend is dead to me and probably to the majority of your cooler guests. If you have attendants or a wedding planner or other people like that working your wedding, use them to usher guests to their seats. Additionally, let’s curtail the poems about how we’re all family and we don’t need to pick a side. Of course I’m picking a side. Unless you want me to sit in the middle of the aisle, which I can also arrange.
4. Bare Feet
This feels like disease ready to strike. If you’re planning on saying vows at the edge of the ocean in the heat of summer, fine, ditch the shoes. Treat yourself. However, if your wedding is set on a quaint farm in the mountains and the temperature is hovering around 60, please don’t go barefoot. It’s tacky, we know you’ve lost feeling in the tips of your toes, and all I want to do is throw some nice warm wool socks at you. I can’t help it. I’m very nurturing.
I’m hopeful that this trend, which seems more likely at weddings taking place March through June, is slowly going to make its way back to children’s playrooms where it belongs. That’s neat if your sorority used pink and grey chevron to spark joy; seeing this zigzag pattern on tablecloths, napkins, and runners is one of those spring wedding trends that makes me (and, likely, the rest of your guests) feel carsick.
6. Insanely Large Bouquets
I get that it’s spring and flowers are blooming and you want everyone to know just how dedicated to pretty things you are. That’s great. But oversize bouquets are heavy, take focus off of you in pictures, and tend to be extraordinarily expensive. Instead, opt for daintier pairings of fresh wildflowers or classic tea roses, hydrangea, or lilac. Skip the giant arrangements of daisies and baby’s breath.
Images: Omar Lopez / Unsplash; Shutterstock (5)
I have two passions: obsessing over high-end fashion and making fun of said high-end fashion. Lately, it seems as though fashion designers are becoming bored and unoriginal, just like Disney when they keep remaking every single one of their classics instead of coming up with a new story line. Look, I understand that fashion trends tend to come and go, with many being completely recycled. However, 2019 seems to be the one year that’s receiving the sh*t end of the stick when it comes to throwback trends. New York Fashion Week is almost two weeks away, but we’re getting some sneak peeks for what’s to come from menswear and couture runways. From tie dye to cow print to cargo pants, here are the hideous throwback trends that are making a comeback this year.
1. Cargo Pants
When I think of cargo pants, I shudder at a time when we, as a society, thought they were ever moderately attractive. In 2019, these can now be modernized to look more feminine and chic with scrunched waists, hems, and sleek patterns, but come on. They’re f*cking cargo pants with tacky, big-ass pockets that can’t possibly be good or cute. Sure, you can fit your wallet, keys, phone, a granola bar, and first born child in them, but at what cost??
I swear I love Bey as much as the next person, but when she can’t even convince me to wear an upcoming trend, it’s not promising. Yes, I loved tie-dying my shirts and socks when I was like, 12 years old and in summer camp, but there’s a reason I don’t still wear the same sh*t I did when I was 12, and it’s because most of that stuff was hideous. This year, expect to see the pattern on our favorite pieces such as puffers, rompers, palazzo pants, and crop tops. What’s next, scrunching our hair with so much mousse and gel that you get stiff curls that wouldn’t even move in 100mph winds? Because that’s the last time wearing tie-dye was relevant.
3. Platform Shoes
Please, god, no. I’ll literally do anything to keep these stashed away in the 2000s where they belong. I don’t think I ever owned a platform sandal when it was acceptable, Lizzie McGuire fan or not. Even back then, I knew to always stay far away from these cringeworthy shoes. Like, just put on a pair of stacked heels like a goddamn adult. Be ready to embrace this year’s next “ugly” shoe. In the very near future, our fave retailers will be selling them as huge sneakers or strappy slip-on sandals.
4. Big 80s Shoulders
This may look decent on Lady Gaga, but on anyone else, it could very well look like trash. The streets aren’t a Michael Jackson music video waiting to happen—save that for Halloween. The ginormous shoulders will be featured on formal dresses, streamlined jackets, and especially business casual suits to wear to the office. Regardless, the shoulder pads may be a yes from my mom in the 80s, but they are a hard no from me.
From Kardashian swimsuits to fashion runways, pops of neon color are showing up everywhere. Whether it be skimpy triangle bikinis, workout leggings, or even mini dresses, I feel like you’d have to be a really bold, confident, and color-coordinated person to remotely pull this off for any occasion. If you’re having the slightest doubt, I’d stay away to refrain from looking like a walking highlighter.
6. Cow Print
It’s true. Animal print is here to stay, but instead of the cheetah and leopard pattern we’ve reluctantly grown to tolerate, the next big thing is looking a lot like a cow. Soon, we’ll be seeing the pattern on heeled booties, designer handbags, and well, now, one-piece bathing suits. I’m baffled that anyone could honestly take this seriously. I can’t even excuse Kylie Jenner. Maybe she was joking. Maybe this is for a western makeup collection. Here’s to giving anyone the benefit of the doubt if they dare to wear the grotesque print.
Photo: Allyson Johnson / Unsplash; Instagram (6)
With the new year approaching fast on our heels, it’s about damn time to start thinking about how you’d like to enter it as a new (and hopefully) better you. I’m not referring to fixing your chronic RBF, limiting your time spent on Instagram, or introducing weird healthy foods into your daily diet. I’m obviously talking about more important sh*t like the clothes and shoes you’re wearing. If you’re truly trying to embrace a “new year, new you” attitude, then it’s only right you look the part, too. It’s no surprise that bizarre trends like biker shorts and frilly, billowy sleeves are here to stay. And with others like statement sneakers, loud prints, and tiny-ass sunglasses on board, it’s safe to say you probs have hoarded a lot of sh*t in your closet that needs to GTFO. Here’s everything you should think about tossing out before 2019, so you can ring in the new year in trendy style.
1. Adidas Superstars
Okay, so like, before everyone loses their sh*t, I don’t mean you have to literally throw these away. I still wear my scuffed and stained pair when a girl just has no time for nothing else, but I strongly recommend swapping them out for a fresh, head-turning pair. Maybe not full-out ‘dad sneakers,’ but sporty ones with more elevation and flair like these trainers. Sneakers like these are an easy way to make any outfit a little more exciting.
Adidas Falcon Sneaker in Maroon/Navy
2. Reaaally Skinny Jeans
Super skinny jeans are just so 2000. In this totally vintage, throwback, and hipster phase our generation has become obsessed with, opt for mom or boyfriend denim styles that are flattering and v on-point.
AGOLDE 90s Fit
3. Maybe…Some Black Pieces?
OKAY, I said MAYBE some boring, basic black pieces? You don’t have to stop wearing black, but you can add in some other tasteful basics. Instead, 2019’s hottest neutral is supposed to be a warm beige that is still shows how empty I am inside and also still goes with everything else I own.
H&M Cable-knit Turtleneck Sweater
4. Crop Tops
All in favor of ditching the v basic, over worn crop top during summer 2019, say I!!! Ditch the lame style for more chic, flattering, and way less stressfully-found bodysuits. They come in like, a bajillion styles, colors, and honestly, the whole peeing situation outweighs rockin’ a beer bloat.
Free People Move Along Bodysuit
Crossbody bags have truly saved my ass countless times and have also protected me against getting pickpocketed on a subway. They are the real MVPs, tbh. However, now is a fab time to hang them up to give their trendier sister style some love—a fanny pack. Or if you want, call it a belt bag. You’re fancier than me. What was once limited to art freaks and band geeks, is now considered bougie af.
Marc Jacobs Hip Shot Convertible Leather Belt Bag
Photo: Nordstrom (2); Revolve; H&M; Free People
The entire world of food changes from year to year, and it’s getting hard to keep up. No one drinks milk anymore. Now we drink “milk” made from nuts (is it just me or did almond milk not exist three years ago?). No one eats regular pasta anymore. Now we eat black bean and lentil spaghetti. What’s going on? And WTF are lentils? As funky as these things sound, nut milk and veggie pastas are totally normal compared to the other weird stuff popping up on the supermarket shelves nowadays. Prepare yourselves, betches. Here are some of the upcoming weird food trends you can look forward to seeing (and trying, if you dare) in 2019.
1. Fake Meat Snacks
Sounds even more nasty when I put it that way… but yeah, vegetarian meats like bacon and pork rinds are going to be hitting supermarkets for all of us herbivores to snack on when we get hungry. Now instead of dehydrated peas and beets, we can enjoy some faux meat (while dreaming of eating a real cut of steak or slab of greasy bacon while we do it)!
Bulletproof coffee, coconut and MCT oil, and chocolate treats, oh my. In honor of the super trendy paleo and keto dieters out there, fatty foods are officially IN. If you’re on a strict diet that allows a higher-than-normal daily fat intake, then you’re in luck, because more brands will be catering to your needs in the coming year.
3. Avocado Ice Cream
Avocado lovers, unite! Everyone loves avocados so much that now it’s becoming a staple ingredient in meals and desserts… including ice cream. Once upon a time, making avocado ice cream was only for extremely bored people who found the recipe on Pinterest and just so happened to have an appetite and an avocado lying around their kitchen. Now, everyday people are actually going to be buying it from the dairy-alternative ice cream section in your grocery store. What a world we live in, huh?
What is kimchi? Fermented cabbage… which I only have when I’m at Korean BBQ but some people like it a lot, so much so that it’s expected to trend in 2019. This Korean-oriented veggie is tangy, super healthy, and full of good bacteria. It’s similar in nature to sauerkraut, which is also an acquired taste. If you like cabbage, radishes, spices, fish sauce, and kelp powder, give kimchi a shot. Mix it with seafood, or eat it on its own if you’re feeling crazy.
You know when you’re at the beach and you go in the water and that creepy green stuff gets caught around your legs and gives you a heart attack because you think it’s a jellyfish? Well, that’s the cool new thing to eat! Dried, spiced, roasted, and flavored seaweed is gluten-free AND vegan, so I guess you could say it’s pretty healthy too. I sound like I’m hatin,g but seaweed is actually delicious. Shout out to my fellow seaweed salad eaters.
Images: Dose Juice / Unsplash