It’s the motherf*cking weekend, and it’s time to submit to the stars and planets for whatever those jerks have in store for us! Whether you’re destined for love, fights with your mom, or attempts at reorganizing your closet by color and season again (literally impossible), here’s what you can expect from your horoscopes this weekend.

Leo

Everyone wants a piece of you, Leo. Someone on Friday finds you especially hot, so feel free to throw inhibitions to the wind and f*cking go for it. By Saturday, you’ll have completely switched gears and you’ll have finances and careers on the brain. Think about what you really want, then talk to daddy’s investor friends and see what they think.

Virgo

You and your SO are feeling uber connected this weekend, so go with it. Tackle something that proved difficult in the past on Saturday—like donating old sh*t or reorganizing your shared space. Come Sunday, the efforts will prove to have been really enlightening and uplifting. Plus, you’ll actually have room to have people over. Remember—the memories of you college-age “Live, Laugh, Love” sign can live on in your heart, but not so much on your bathroom wall.

Libra

You’re like, such a good person, Libra. You’ve spent the last few weeks being a kind caregiver, and this weekend it’ll pay off for you. So, yes, keep listening to your BFF go on about her tragic dating life while pounding rosé with her. Or tell your boss all of her ideas are like, so inspiring—even if they kinda aren’t. Continue connecting through Sunday, when a joint hiking trip or yoga class could lead to something super beneficial for you (other than great muscle definition).

Scorpio

You’re intriguing af, Scorpio, so embrace it this weekend—especially if you’re single. And with the week having been intense as it was, try to take Friday and Saturday as a chance to slam a few brewskis and chill tf out. Take Sunday to reset a bit, as you’ll feel kinda drained, and Monday always sucks enough on its own.

Sagittarius

Time to organize your sh*t, Sagittarius. You’ve had a super inspiring month so far, and focusing on re-organizing your closet, kitchen, and whatever else you’ve ignored at home this weekend will only continue the awesome trend. Be like Marie Kondo, and “love mess.” Also, communication is key this weekend, so whether you’re arguing with your SO about where to go to dinner on Friday night or debating sending a mean email in time for work on Monday, remember to be clear in your messaging.

Capricorn

Rinse and repeat, Capricorn. You’ve been kind of, er, intense in the romance department lately, so it may be a good opportunity to take the weekend and reset. There isn’t anything wrong with you; the planets are just, like, f*cking your emotions up. Heading to see a decent band play on Friday or Saturday night can help drown out the many, many voices in your head.

Aquarius

Get your sh*t together, Aquarius. You’ve been crazy intensely focused on those around you, and it’s time to flip the script this weekend. What do you want? Reassess both your emotional and financial needs and create a personal care plan, fam. It’s time to adult. On the subject of adulting, the full moon in your sign will have your sexy time skills TOP f*cking NOTCH, so grab a partner and f*cking go to town. I mean, there’s really nothing else to do, right?

Pisces

We’re on a f*cking rollercoaster, Pisces, and it isn’t all bad. Get ready for up and down emotions and romance Friday through Sunday. But you can totally get through it unscathed if you lean on friends and family for support. Plus, by Sunday, with a little kindness you’ll be able to inspire love and devotion payable to you. Foot rubs, massages, multi-course Mexican dinners, and more can be on the docket if you’re focused, nice, and patient with the people around you.

Aries

Become a picture of health, Aries, and it’ll pay off. This weekend, take a sec to focus on aligning your chakras or whatever, and less time on chugging mimosas and slamming tacos (shhhh, hush—there’s always next weekend for that). Hit up the gym, go for a run, or actually just try to like, go outside at some point. Plus, by focusing on your own mental and physical health Friday and Saturday, you’ll be ready to lend an emotionally helping hand to a friend going through some sh*t on Sunday.

Taurus

Everything is so f*cking awesome this weekend that it’s likely to scare you, Taurus. But don’t get weird about it. This new view on everything being amazing will help lift up others around you that may be kind of in the dumps. Plus, Uranus and the full moon this past Thursday lined some sh*t up to make for a social and fortunate weekend, so get out and do something like brunch with betches or a group outing.

Gemini

Friends and gifts make for a fruitful weekend, Gemini. A coworker or close confidante could be gifting you with information that’ll come in handy at work on Monday, or in your after-work social circles. Don’t go overboard with your new knowledge, and remember: Spider-Man always told us that with great power comes great responsibility. The full moon in Aquarius will make social situations super fun Friday through Sunday, so don’t cancel plans. You could meet someone, like, actually worth your time.

Cancer

Follow your gut, Cancer, especially on Saturday. It could lead you to fun, romantic, and weird-but-chill times. Your SO may be extra antsy to achieve his or her own goals this weekend, so it could be a stellar opportunity to bring up that house project they haven’t finished yet. Remember to try and be a guiding force and not a naggy, mean one. K? If you’re single, treat yourself to a spa weekend then head out on the town. Uranus is making you look like an extra amazing snack on Friday and Saturday, so f*cking own it.

Images: Giphy (12)

Welcome to Cancer season, where emotions run rampant, but at the same time, your feelings don’t matter! This weekend, you’ll battle everything from getting ghosted on Tinder to fighting with your bestie over where to go for brunch. If you’re wifed up, prepare to fight in a public place—like IKEA or Home Depot—over something dumb like lighting fixtures. This is the life you chose. Anyway, since you have no federal holidays to look forward to until Labor Day in September, let’s dive in head first to our two days of freedom and what the stars have in store for us.

Cancer

Live your truth and sh*t, Cancer. I know it’s hard when you like to keep everyone happy, even your significant other, but try to assert yourself and be a strong independent betch who can fetch her own Sour Patch Kids from the pantry, k? Sh*t, go so far as to head to the spa solo this weekend and live your best life. The Mars-Uranus planet fight is making you feel super insecure, but letting go and relaxing may help. Confrontation which could present itself (thanks, Pluto), so try to remove yourself from the situation.

Leo

Break out of the routine this weekend, Leo. You’re pretty into doing the same damn thing every Saturday and Sunday, and it’s time to change it up (even though change tends to really freak you out). Try to hang out with your hippest friends—and bonus points if their lives are made more chaotic by multiple animals or kids or whatever.

Virgo

Hang out, but make it chill, Virgo. Isolating yourself will only stir up old feelings, and your romance outlook has you vulnerable in the way of sending “hey” texts to that guy you def shouldn’t be texting on Saturday. Make a bunch of your idiot friends feel at home with a not-too-fancy dinner party or comfy night in with pizza and beer so you can be your most relaxed self while also being surrounded by friends.

Libra

Spend your weekend researching your future, Libra. Reach out to career mentors, be they family, friends, or old coworkers. You’ve been feeling kind of meh about your talents and accomplishments lately, and spending time over wine or whatever may be the boost you need to head into Monday feeling better about yourself.

Scorpio

Indulge this weekend, Scorpio. We know your bank account could sting for a bit afterward, but it’ll all be worth it to spark joy with a pedicure or massage. Plus, it’ll help take your mind off of people doing sh*tty sh*t this week and keep you from retaliating because, well, Scorpios gonna Scorpio. The Mars-Uranus situation yesterday is adding fuel to your stubborn fire, so attracting mates isn’t really on the radar this weekend. Hang out with the people who get you (and have your back) the most.

Sagittarius

Because you’re happpyyyyyyyy. Sagittarius. Sorry for getting that f*cking song stuck in our collective brains. All you need to do to keep the good mood rollin’ this weekend is avoid people and things that stress you out. So, yeah—maybe put off vacuuming for another week, or ditch that Negative Nancy friend that’s always such a bummer to be around. Do things that make you feel warm and fuzzy, like breaking out that disgusting bathrobe your boyfriend can’t stand and hanging out in it while giving yourself an at-home pedicure.

Capricorn

Stop being so controlling, Capricorn. It’s okay to put down the reins for a minute so you can focus on your inner self. Plus, this weekend, the more you try to be in charge, the more pissy you’ll get, which isn’t good for anyone. Try some guided meditation or yoga and release your inner zen.

Aquarius

Change happens, Aquarius. It can be scary, but remember that you have to adapt or else you’ll like, die. Not literally, but you know what I mean. Comfort yourself with your friends, and remember to be flexible. Plus, your love outlook looks good on Friday, with friends possibly introducing you to someone special. Keep an open mind, and try not to tell him about your back acne within 15 minutes of meeting.

Pisces

You’re such a good person, Pisces, and it’s time to bully other people into seeing it (kinda). Friends and potential mates are drawn into your circle this weekend, so remember to lead by example, not by force. Like, suggest going to a weird new sushi restaurant instead of just telling everyone it’s where you’re going for dinner and that’s final.

Aries

All work and no play makes Aries an asshole, so take a break. Head to a brewery or winery with friends to get out of town and out of your head for the weekend. New brews and scenery will help bring some much needed relaxation. Plus, with the sun pissing off Pluto this weekend, you’re gonna be feeling extra insecure, so it’s best to surround yourself with people that lift you up.

Taurus

Take a f*cking break, Taurus. You’ve been running yourself ragged the last week, and you can only do so much. Connect with friends that tell you you’re really pretty and smart—it’s honestly what you need to hear this weekend. In the romance sector, the stars are spelling out passion potential on Friday, which is a nice change since this week felt particularly loveless for you. Just be wary of the sun and Pluto f*cking your sh*t up on Saturday and Sunday, since there’s high potential for a fight in a public place with a lover or friend.

Gemini

Take matters into your own hands, Gemini. Take care of you and take care of someone who really needs it this weekend, like your friend who started doing tequila shots again after we all warned her not to. Being such a giver will make you feel empowered and strong. You’re like, such a good person.

Friday is a great day to attract someone on your level, which we realize can be hard to find. If you’re already wifed up, be sure to communicate appreciation for your mate—especially when he does everyday things like emptying the dishwasher or putting his socks away. It’ll actually make a huge difference.

Images: Aral Tasher / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Summer officially starts on Friday, so it’s time for us all to accept that summer bods aren’t happening and we just need to be happy with ourselves as we are, dammit. I mean, one pieces are in now, right? I’m sorry, but what’s wrong with wearing a T-shirt by the pool? Don’t shame me.

Anyway, with the full moon in Sagittarius and the summer solstice kicking off, feelings are at an all time high, but it’s lookin’ like a pretty solid weekend for most of us. Whether you’re kicking your feet up and relaxing at home or going on a mass shopping spree, just remember to live your best life, kids. Kisses.

Gemini

You want the greeeeeen, Gemini. Give in to your wildest desires to shop this weekend, but keep it in check. You’ll never be a rich betch if you spend it all in one spot. This weekend, explore adult sh*t like investing, and make sure your 401k is up to par.

In the love department, the full moon in Sagittarius will give your romantic side a boost, so whether you’re already partnered up or looking for a mate, you’ll be itching to snuggle up next to someone compatible. The best day to meet a potential beau? Saturday, so plan accordingly.

Leo

Love is floooowwwwin’, Leo. The first day of summer on Friday means great chances for passionate meetups throughout the weekend, so make sure your birth control is replenished, sweetie. It’s best if you actually try not to be so “on” Saturday and Sunday, so feel free to revel in being yourself without the whole Leo song and dance.

Virgo

Time for a new social calendar, Virgo. Summer has you coming out of your shell to connect with old friends and not cancel plans for once. A weekend date with your lover on Saturday night could take your relationship to the next level, so get ready to potentially explore butt stuff, or, like, maybe an engagement … or kid? Not sure where you are in life.

While you’re on the whole social carousel, don’t be afraid to reach out to coworkers you’ve been debating hanging outside work with. They may actually suck less outside the office! If there’s flirting involved, remember that sh*t can get messy, so try to keep it cool.

Libra

Concentrate on your career this weekend, Libra, even if it seems like a v not fun idea. You’ve been working your ass off on a project, so take Saturday and Sunday to ensure it’s perfect before you release it into the wild. It may finally earn you some appreciation and recognition. And, since you’ve been heavily debating dropping everything and backpacking through Europe instead of holding down an actual job, the whole “good job” thing could actually go pretty far.

Scorpio

Find something interesting to do this weekend, Scorpio. Whether you head to that OG ice cream shop you enjoyed as a kid that happens to be 100 miles away or reconnecting with an old friend in a city a few hours’ drive out of town, seize the opportunity to do like, exciting sh*t Saturday and Sunday. Taking a trip down memory lane could actually help you take a step forward in life, whether that means your career or partner.

Sagittarius

Host a dinner party this weekend, Sagittarius, and use it as an opportunity to celebrate the start of summer. Not only can you flex your culinary muscles, but you can also attempt to impress your partner (whether they’ve been around a short time or practically forever).

Turn off all the phones and connect with these people that mean the most to you over a yummy meal. It’ll mean a lot to everyone around you to see how much you genuinely care.

Capricorn

Ask for help, Capricorn. Someone who worships the ground you walk on could come in handy, so it’s totally fine to use them this one time. You may actually end up liking them and forming a little connection, so it’s not all bad. I mean, think of it as falling for a nerdy sidekick. It’s like every cute romcom ever!

Aquarius

Make a f*cking decision, Aquarius, and stick to it. You have tons of chores and projects to do around the house, but you also haven’t let yourself go out and have fun in like, a while. If you play your cards right, you can do both, but don’t procrastinate. Do your dusting and vacuuming in the morning, then get ready to drink all afternoon. You may even meet someone special on Saturday, so try to shower after all that housework, ya nasty.

Pisces

Time to HGTV your sh*t, Pisces. It’s time to grow up and get rid of that box of college sh*t you’ve had stuffed in your closet, update your art collection (or lack thereof), and please, for the love of God, trash that old futon. Buy yourself some adult furniture, and don’t be afraid to spend some cash. Having a better arranged (and decorated) nest will inspire you to feel more relaxed and send a better message to potential suitors heading to your space.

Aries

Unplug, Aries. You’ve been focused on your phone, laptop, and tech all week, and it’s time to let go. Put your feet up, pop open a book, and cook a complicated meal this weekend. You’ve honestly earned it, and you ain’t got time for anyone else in your space Saturday and Sunday (unless you like, want them in your space). Ignore your boss’s emails, cancel your plans, and binge watch your fav sh*t on Netflix.

Taurus

Call your mom, Taurus, or at least someone who loves and cares about your unconditionally. You’ve been kinda pissy all week, and talking to someone who does a great job at listening (and not giving terrible advice) could be just what you need. This weekend, a friend or social outing could lead to a love connection, but remember to make sure you’re cool, first. You can’t make someone else happy if you’re miserable, right? Right.

Images: Giphy (12)

As Justin Timberlake told us so many moons ago, “It’s gonna be May,” and with that solid advice in mind, let’s barrel into the weekly exercise of letting the stars and planets dictate how we live our lives! Should we finally take the plunge and download Ship? Should we plan an impromptu vacay to wine country with the girls? Or should we finally tell Jared that he has no idea what he’s doing in the bedroom?

Warm weather and Taurus in and around our signs has a lot of us feeling hella domestic this weekend, so don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty on the home front. Additionally, love seems either wild or non-existent this weekend, so it could be a good time to examine exactly what you want in a mate, too.

Taurus

Happy astrological new year, Taurus, you bastard. Saturday will be prime time to be intentional with, like, everything in your life, so make a goal list that covers everything from your hopes for finances to your wishes for perfect partners. It’s also a great time to make a burn book and write out (then literally burn) all the sh*tty sh*t you want out of your mind and life. Be intentional.

While you’re sitting around feeling feelings this weekend, Sunday is a great day to check yourself before spending cash-money every time you feel emotional. Next time a guy ghosts you, meditate over some Chinese food and crap TV. Stop visiting Nieman Marcus the way you would a shrink.

Gemini

Have you binged Marie Kondo yet, Gemini? We know you tend to be a little behind the times (bless), but this weekend is the perfect time to get inspired and tidy up. Do you really need the 18 t-shirts from pledge week? How about the kitchen set you had your freshman year? It’s time to let go. Taurus is moving into your twelfth house, so it’s a bitchin’ time to focus on a project like this.

On Sunday, Mars in Gemini has you feeling like you can totally audition for that Broadway show, nail all three job interviews, and start a thriving DIY blog, but chill out. Don’t forget about your (good) grounding forces and try not to step on toes (unless you’re a messy b*tch that lives for drama).

Cancer

Go out and get f*cking social, Cancer, because you’re gonna feel smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy (honestly, whatever that means). There are new friends on the horizon via social events Friday through Sunday, plus tons of happiness to be shared with old acquaintances.

After all that socialization, Sunday’s Jupiter vs. Mars face-off will have you feeling v adult and v practical, so big kid decisions are in order (as are decisions to be made with your head over your gut). You’ll likely be able to see more clearly whether or not you should continue seeing that guy that works at Chipotle and doesn’t believe in houses, man. You’ll also be able to make a grown-up decision about that gym membership you haven’t used in a year, which seemed like a good idea in the moment.

Leo

Bask in the spotlight, Leo, and stop being such a puss. People are starting to pay attention to you and your ideas (especially at work), so don’t skip out on drinks with the crew on Friday night or a beer with a coworker on Saturday (just try not to end up at karaoke and make out with your boss…again).

After all that work fodder, by Sunday you may feel ready to tackle a project in time for the 9am meeting on Monday, but pump the f*cking brakes. Challenge is good, but don’t stress yourself out too much in pursuit of perfection. Baby steps are totally fine.

Virgo

GTFO for the weekend Virgo, you earned it. You could be struggling with commitment in the next few months, so a trip near or far with your boo is absolutely necessary this weekend. That doesn’t mean a quiet candlelit dinner at your local Taco Bell. Actually like, do something. Sign up for a weird sex class in the neighboring town. Book a spontaneous trip to Europe. Drive to New Jersey. The world is your oyster.

By Sunday you’ll be feeling hella risky despite your inner p*ssy telling you “you can’t do it.” Ignore it and try something new—like taking the lead in book club (f*ck off, Helen), or preparing to run the meeting with your boss on Monday. Whatever you do, try to ignore your normal inclination to coddle everyone, k?

Libra

The moon is moving into your danger zone, Libra, and by danger we mean sexy-time. Friday night and Saturday are promising for meeting someone that knows where the magical clit is (praise be) or having a steamy night of rekindling the spark with someone that you’ve been crushing on for a while now.

Once you get the blindfolds and handcuffs off on Sunday morning, brunch or another social event brings the opportunity to meet people who aren’t completely tragic and boring. They may also have some useful information, like how to set up your 401k or how to move out of your parents’ house once and for all. Take advantage and listen.

Scorpio

Time to get batsh*t in your relationship, Scorpio! The Taurus new moon in your relationship zone has things looking up for your love life, so remember opposites can totally attract if you’re single, and that a next step is totally in the cards (like moving in or getting a doggo) if you’ve been together for awhile.

By Sunday, Mars is in your eighth house and is moving your urges for sex, drugs, and rock & roll, hard. You’re pretty much irresistible, so use it to your advantage if you’re looking for an engagement, pegging adventure, or yeah, adopting a puppy. Just remember that everything has consequences and, eventually, bills.

Sagittarius

Pick your poison, Sagittarius, cause this weekend is full of either workouts you’ve been putting off, visits with Grandma you’ve been avoiding, or overtime at the office. Luckily, the new moon gives you an opportunity to adopt healthier habits, be they finance, health, or family related, so motivation won’t be in that short of supply (which is more than we can say for most days out of our week).

Despite all the motivation and “hang in there” kitty poster-level optimism on Saturday, Sunday will be tenser than my dog trying to stalk squirrels—especially when it comes to close relationships. Communication won’t be a strong point, so hit up your bestie or your shrink before venting to the source of the issue.

Capricorn

Search for your passion this weekend, Capricorn. That could mean a new hobby  (like knitting, which is v cool), a new dude friend, or a new job. In the love department, the time is right to meet someone new, but you’ll have to actually put yourself out there and not just wait for him to find you. If you’re already in a committed relationship, Saturday is a great night for a date and steamy after-dinner treats.

Sunday will have your wheels turning, and you’ll be super into parking yourself in front of the TV for hours of conspiracy theories and murder mysteries. Don’t go nuts, though, and research the likelihood of the Ancient Alien theory for six hours online. I know that the pyramids must have been built by the Klingons, but no one else cares.  You’re likely to get a bit obsessive, so cool it.

Aquarius

Call your mom, Aquarius. This weekend is ideal for lounging at home or being with close family members. It’s also a great time to spruce up your nest, so don’t be afraid to make huge piles of donations to Goodwill or rearrange some furniture. It’ll make you feel more at ease and less like you need Xanax every time you walk through the door.

Expect the unexpected when it comes to love this weekend, too. What may start out as a fight with a total bro (or your current SO) could end up a heated discussion in a much different department (sex, we’re talking about sex).

Pisces

Everyone wants a piece of you, Pisces, and your weekend is shaping up to be a non-stop friend fest. Seize the opportunity to catch up on gossip and soak up each other’s awesomeness while checking out some new places—aka not the usual brunch spot where you seem to always end up.

Be careful on Sunday, since Mars is prone to starting sh*t with family members. Just be diplomatic and cool; try not to make any decisions that could leave you with unfavorable consequences down the road, i.e. don’t tell your dad you don’t need his charity anymore. You might, ya know?

Aries

DING DING DING. The new moon in Taurus is making baller-ass moves into your money house on Saturday, Aries, so your potential to make f*cking bank is WAY up. I mean, it could also just inspire you to adopt new savings habits, but it’s honestly much more fun to pretend you’ll suddenly get a 60% bonus on top of a raise, amirite?

You’ll feel a little overwhelmed by Sunday, so break out the editing pen and the takeout food, throw on some sweats, and go through your personal finances and resume. It’s a great weekend to be professional AF, ignore the distracting sh*t (like binge-watching the last four seasons of GoT), and focus on one goal.

Images: Giphy (12)

Ah, the stars: knowers of my love life, ability to be friend zoned, and inability to let go of emotional baggage. Whether or not you’re into the planets, sun, and moon having say over whether or not you try a weird sex thing or have a weekend trip with your mommy (two really weird examples, but whatever), it can’t hurt to have a very loose, general idea of what the weekend may have in store for you.

Are you destined to tell your f*ck buddy that you’ve caught feelings (the HORROR)? Is it finally time to stand up for your right to party at work (and get fired)? As we move out of Aries and into Taurus, things may take some weird turns for you from Friday into Sunday. Read your weekend horoscopes to find out what the stars have in store for you this weekend.

Aries

A full moon in Libra will push you to get close to those around you on Friday, Aries. You may be tempted to take a relationship to the next level, spend some quality time Netflix & chilling with that special someone, or clearing the air with a betch you’ve had a falling out with. Maybe it’s a coworker that you accidentally cc’ed on an email throwing her under the bus, or a BFF you haven’t exactly made time for lately. Either way, by Saturday the sun moves into Taurus, which will have you pushing for the more practical things in life, like revisiting your 401k or doing something responsible with your tax refund that doesn’t involve investing in Manolos. Venus will also move into Aries on the same day, making it a great opportunity to change your image. Maybe it’s time for bangs? A lavender pixie cut? Probs not, but you do you.

Taurus

It’s time to tie up loose ends, Taurus; as the sun moves into your sign on Saturday, causing a horoscope-y and spiritual rebirth. It’s a great time to walk away from that sh*tty job, sh*tty relationship, or to start over on a project. The moon will also give this bull sign a nudge on Friday and may push you to treat yo’self. It isn’t a bad thing and may help you feel more at peace with other aspects of your day-to-day, but try to curb the Taco Bell and shopping sprees.

Gemini

The moon is comin’ for ya, Gemini, and it could be the key to finally running into that special someone if you’re flying solo or adding mega sparks to an already comfortable relationship. Grab your planner and head to a restaurant opening where there are sure to be other singles, or drag your SO and plan to eat the night away (nobody wants to dance rn). With the sun moving into Taurus by Saturday, it’ll be prime time over the next few weeks to start seeing a shrink or head to a girls’ night to release some emotional baggage you’ve been carrying around, i.e., your ex you still can’t get over. Consider this your opportunity to start fresh and let go of old sh*t.

Cancer

Stop being a lil bitch, Cancer, because this weekend is a perfect opportunity for an impromptu weekend trip or event. Make time for your mom ’cause, like, it’s almost Mother’s Day, so get on the up-and-up and let this lady know that she’s the OG. The sun’s makin’ moves into Taurus on Saturday, so you may feel the need to expand your social circle, even if #nonewfriends has been your mantra for awhile now. Branch out; with Venus moving into your sign on the same day, it’ll also be a great chance to get on your boss’s good side.

Leo

The moon is in your communication zone, Leo, so it’s a great time to viciously but diplomatically defend a vision for a work project, wedding plan, or future dream home. The time to compromise is not right now; hold to your vision, even if everyone else thinks it’s lame. Once the sun moves into your goal sector on Saturday, you’ll have an insane desire to stand out. It could be a great chance to audition for that modeling gig or apply for that wild new job. Showcase your skills.

Virgo

Just say no to the splurging, Virgo. A full moon in your shopping sector could make you feel like treating yourself is the critical path right now, and we’re all for a new dress, shoes, or spa treatment. But, if you’re shopping to fill the void left by that Tinder date that stood you up (rude), set a limit for yourself. Chances are, six new maxi dresses just aren’t going to fill the hole left from Trevor who was holding a fish in his profile pic.

Saturday should help with the influx of feelings, though, and with the sun entering your adventure sector and Venus moving into Aries, it could be a great time to boost a new love connection with a weekend getaway.

Libra

With Venus as your ruling planet, you’re definitely all about love and relationships this weekend, Libra. Friday is a great day to take it up a notch with a new love interest or partner of several years, since the new moon in your sign is making you feel all sorts of feelings. Things will take a turn for the super sexy and steamy on Saturday, and it’ll be a great time to give in to your sensuality. Try a new twist on sex with your partner, or treat yourself to that toy you’ve been too embarrassed to buy.

Scorpio

Time to think about your happiness, Scorpio. A full moon in your think-tank sector on Friday has you feeling reflective and introspective. It’ll also be a great time to indulge a little, so call and book that massage you’ve been debating for the last few weeks. Saturday and Sunday present great opportunities to get comfy in your social circle, since the sun will be allowing you to look deep and appreciate the betches surrounding you.

Sagittarius

In the wise words of Snooki of House Jersey, “Party’s hereeeeeeeeeeeee.” Friday is the perfect night to get your drank on, Sagittarius, and we recommend dancing, shots, and a wild time. Don’t worry about consequences too much, either, because by Saturday, the sun in your lifestyle sector has you ready to tackle #goals. Need to go grocery shopping AND mail a letter? You got this. You’re a successful adult.

Capricorn

You’re in a glass case of emotion between wanting feelings to be out there and wanting to turn inward for some good, old-fashioned home time, Capricorn. Friday’s full moon may introduce to urge to make your feelings known to that bro you’ve been dating—be they good or bad. Embrace family and home this weekend, even if you’re usually the type to spend your weekends out.

Friday through Sunday present a great opportunity to put away that pile of laundry you’ve been ignoring or wipe the sticky wine spill off your coffee table. The sun is in your leisure sector come Saturday, so for the next four weeks you may feel the pull to settle into sweatpants and finally watch Game of Thrones.

Aquarius

Time to try something new, like that restaurant where they blindfold you, or that sex move where he blindfolds you … something with blindfolds. Anyway, the moon is pushing you outside your comfort zone, so getting adventurous when it comes to experiences is a must on Friday.

After all the weirdness, the sun will push you to step back and give yourself some nurturing, probably à la Domino’s and an at-home face mask. It’s the little things, fam.

Pisces

Feeling emotional? Did that puppy commercial leave you in the fetal position? The stars are to blame, Pisces. If you’ve been debating revealing that you’d rather have a full-blown relationship than a hookup partner to that dude you’ve been seeing, now’s the time.

Will you get friendzoned? Possibly—but the time for risk is right now. Plus, with the sun moving into your communication house this Saturday, chances are you’ll sound more eloquent than you think.

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Welcome to the third week of Jaunary, betches. Despite my many prayers to both the old Gods and new, it is still cold, it is still dark, and capitalism still exists, forcing us to continue to work in the aforementioned conditions. Take comfort in the fact that the stars know you’re miserable, and they’re here for you. Read more below in your betchy weekly horoscopes.

Aries

We know what you’re thinking, Aries and, yes, it is entirely possible to burnout just two weeks into the year. Impressive? For sure. But still possible. We’re loving your newfound enthusiasm for accomplishing tasks in 2019, but you may want to try and conserve some of that energy for, I don’t know, the other 11 months of the year. In normal circumstances, life is a marathon, not a sprint. In these weird hyper-dramatic end of times we’re living in, every single day is an Iron Man. When in doubt, remember the immortal words of John Mulaney, “Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!”

Taurus

The new year got you feeling down, Taurus? Or, more accurately, the frigid temperatures and perpetual darkness got you down? It’s understandable, but that doesn’t make it any easier to get your ass out of bed in the morning. This may seem like a radical suggestion, but we know what you need to do to lift that mood: exercise. In the immortal words of Elle Woods, “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands.” Ward off any potential homicides in your future by getting up and getting into the class least likely to make you want to die.

Gemini

All that blind trust in the universe is paying off this week, Gemini. Your relationships are flourishing, your energy is high, and your skin is somehow thriving despite the subzero temperatures outside. In short, you’re our idol rn. You need to keep that energy rolling into your weekend, where things should reach new heights, and in order to do that you just need to do one simple thing: avoid sh*tty people. There’s nothing miserable people love than taking others down with them, and you’re inner peace is a basically a giant neon target. Ignore anyone who tries to dim your shine, and enjoy walking in the sunshine.

Cancer

What’s good, Cancer? Not you, that’s what. This week holds some extreme emotional turmoil for you, and all we can say is “yikes.” Your already highly active emotions are going to be working in overdrive for the next couple days, which makes your prime material for some overreactions. Keep that in mind, and be sure to really take time to reflect before popping off at the barista for giving you almond milk  instead of oat (the audacity). Everyone gets a week to be an asshole every once in a while, just make sure you’re self-aware about it.

Leo

It’s a Leo’s world, and we’re all just living in it, right? That seems to be the case, and usually it’s not an issue because those who love you understand the way things work in the Leo Universe. But, this week, you may want to take a step back and see how your antics are impacting those closest to you. Believe it or not, other people experience emotion or turmoil every so often, and need to be supported. Let the next couple days be an exercise in being there for other people. Fear not, you can return to Leo Land next week.

Virgo

It’s a new week, Virgo! And with it comes a new outlook. You’ve got a lot on your plate for the next few weeks, and it’s important that you go into all of that with a positive mindset. I know what you’re thinking: serotonin? In this economy? In these temperatures? Believe it or not, it is possible to be cold and not miserable at the same time, but you’ll have to work at it. Bundle up, treat yourself to a warm (entirely unhealthy) beverage when needed, and get out there.

Libra

No one does self-love quiet like you, Libra. Interpret that as you will, kind of like that Hailee Steinfeld song we all pretended wasn’t about masturbating. Possibly more so than any other sign, Libras know the power of loving themselves, even when it feels like nobody else does. Hell, especially when no one else does. It’s easy to start to feel lonely in winter, but don’t let that get you down. Use this time to revisit your first love: you. Take selfies. Buy yourself soft things. Retweet your own tweets. This week be sure to make time for you, in whatever capacity you require…but especially if it’s in the Hailee Steinfeld way.

Scorpio

The next two weeks are going to be a flurry of social activity, Scorpio. Part of you is excited about this, and part of you is dreading the non-stop effort that it requires to be sociable. Listen, we get it. Socializing is draining in the best of conditions, but damn near impossible when that electric blanket is calling your name. This week, conserve your energy where you can to save up for the moments when you’ll need it most. Feel free to skip out on non-essential events so that you can be your utmost shining self when the opportunity really calls for it.

Sagittarius

It’s time to put on your “good friend” hat, Sagittarius. Just when it seemed like everything was calming down, it looks like the people closest to you are in need of some serious counseling. In times like these it’s best to over-prepare, so be ready for anything. Consuming excessive wine with a friend who’s been freshly dumped? You’re there. Being a shoulder to cry on? Break out that waterproof jacket. Sitting there silently while someone vents for hours on end? Prepare your best neutral expression. It’s not easy providing bottomless emotional support, but this week it is your cross to bear. Don’t worry, they’ll return the favor when you’re in need.

Capricorn

As Capricorn season comes to end, it’s time to reflect. The sun is setting on your month (or maybe two, given the holidays) of straight-up decadence, and it’s time to prepare for the harsh reality of the rest of the year. Use this week to slowly wean yourself off the finer things in life and start working up a plan on how to tackle 2019. Not sure where to start? Buy a planner. Set some goals. Disable your Postmates for the foreseeable future. Be kind to yourself during this transition back to real life, and expect a couple setbacks. It’s fine, you’re only human.

Aquarius

Morale is on the rise, Aquarius! You’re slowly working yourself out of that post-holiday funk just in time for birthday season. Use this week to get sh*t in order before the Celebration of You starts. Finish those to-do lists, get those workouts scheduled, and maybe consider buying groceries before immediately ordering takeout for the fourth night in a row. It’s important to set these habits before the three straight weeks of partying that Aquarius season inevitably brings.

Pisces

As the most empathetic sign, it’s easy to put your needs second to literally every single other person in the world. But guess what, Pisces? Not this week. It’s time to start focusing on you and what you need to make the next seven days as fulfilling as possible. Maybe that means waking up early and taking some extra time for yourself before the bustle of the day. Great! Or maybe that means sleeping as much as humanly possible and skipping those morning workouts. Even better! Whatever your body needs to make it through the day, do it. Despite what you’re wired to believe, you do actually deserve a break every once in a while.

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