Welcome to award season, Betches. Last night, everyone who mattered in Hollywood over the past year (and Ryan Seacrest) gathered together for the 76th Annual Golden Globes. For the uninitiated, the Globes are basically prom for the TV and film industry. Think about it: everyone is wasted but pretending they aren’t, the venue is too small, the night is an hour and a half longer than anyone wants it to be, people in attendance do a poor job of concealing their open hatred for each other, and no matter who wins, someone will be mad.
The Globes are the best event of award season for the sole reason that it’s the one night a year that we are reminded that perhaps famous people are more like us than we think. It’s like a winter solstice of sorts, where the divide between our mortal world and their supernatural celebrity lives is thinner than any other night. We start to think things like “Wow, maybe Allison Janney and I have more in common than I thought.” We don’t. She’s a goddess. But it’s a fun charade that we’ll all forget about come Monday morning.
This year the Globes were made all the better by two near perfect hosts: Sandra Oh and Andy Samberg. In short, they killed it. Not because their jokes were outrageous and controversial or because their skits were over the top or worse, so niche that only those in attendance understood them. No, Sandra and Andy won us all over for a simple reason: they’re both good people. After a year like 2018, sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that those still exist.
Part of what made Andy and Sandra such amazing hosts was that you could tell they were having the time of their lives. They were up there making wholesome, funny jokes at the expense of almost no one (except Les Moonves, which, fair) that didn’t put us through the tiring charade of pretending people are innately funny because their humor is “edgy” (@RickyGervais).
It doesn’t hurt that both Sandra and Andy are actual rays of sunshine, untouched by scandal due to the both of them steadfastly minding their own damn business. Every time Andy talks, we’re reminded that he’s possibly the only man in Hollywood who can pull off “woke white guy” without making us puke. And, as it was so eloquently said to me by a friend before the show, while we’re all brimming with pride that Sandra Oh is finally being recognized for the absolute star that she is, it’s endlessly frustrating that it took this long for it to happen.
Their monologue was equal parts witty and campy, matched by real sincerity from both parties about the state of the entertainment industry. It’s not often that Betches applauds sincerity, but on a night usually plagued by caustic and embittered jokes about diversity, equality, representation and other things that are actually very important, it was nice to see two people so genuinely happy about the direction things are moving.
Rather than round up every joke, which Buzzfeed already did 36 seconds after the broadcast ended, we’ve broken out the events of the night into highs and lows. What’s wild is that for the first time in my now four years of reporting on this award ceremony, the lows were hard to come by. Maybe 2019 won’t be the cataclysmic trainwreck that we’re all expecting (famous last words lol)!
In no particular order, here are the absolute best things to happen throughout the entire night:
– It’s not even my job to talk about fashion (because I can’t), but there were so many stunning dresses tonight it’s almost like everyone in that room is obscenely rich or something
– Emma Stone screaming “I’M SORRY” off-camera when Sandra Oh called out the whitewashing of Aloha
Sandra Oh: ["Crazy Rich Asians"] is the first studio film with an Asian American lead since "Ghost in the Shell" and "Aloha."
Emma Stone [in the crowd]: I'M SORRY! pic.twitter.com/YI1S7sLvPH
— David Mack (@davidmackau) January 7, 2019
– Richard Madden gracing my TV once again. We lost Rob Stark in season three. THREE. It’s been too long. Better yet, no workout has ever filled me with the same level of adrenaline as when we got to the end of his speech and he didn’t thank a girlfriend.
– The look on the collective face of the cast of The Big Bang Theory after the Les Moonves joke.
– Replacing the “wow celebrities eat pizza and candy” bit with “CELEBRITIES GET SURPRISE VACCINATED” bit was an inspired choice. If you listen clearly you can hear the clacking keyboards of anti-vaxxer mommy bloggers around the country.
Tired: passing out girl scout cookies to women who have starved themselves for six months to fit into gowns that cost more than a year of my rent
Wired: forcefully vaccinating the most powerful people in Hollywood on live television while Shots by LMFAO plays in the background.
— Mary Kate (@marykatefotch) January 7, 2019
– Andy and Sandra showing an inspiring Golden Globes moments reel which was just the two of them being announced at previous award shows.
– Ben Whishaw’s soothing voice during his acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actor – Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television, which cured my anxiety and provided me the first full night of sleep I’ve experienced in years.
– The entire Crazy Rich Asians table.
– A moving speech from the HFPA President about supporting journalists rather than falsely demonizing them and then not acting when they’re murdered by foreign governments. If only there was another President out there that felt the same way.
– Taraji P. Henson’s cleavage.
– Tyler Perry confirming that everyone there is just as drunk as we all suspected them to be.
– Every second of Christian Bale’s alcohol-fueled speech, in which he called out Mitch McConnell, thanked Satan, and revealed that he is, in fact, not American???
I like watching an actor spend their entire career doing American accents and the second they win award it’s like “FANK YOU AND FANK ‘VYONE ‘HO ‘ELPED ME”
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) January 7, 2019
– Sam Rockwell, just existing.
– The Carol Burnett Lifetime Achievement Award. If you had told me I would spend the first Sunday night of 2019 crying, alone, on my couch crying while Carol Burnett recieved the inaugural Carol Burnett Award, I would have absolutely believed you because that sounds like a very me thing to do. And yet, I was still unprepared. After much deliberation, I am left with two lasting thoughts on the entire affair.
First of all, if anyone ever said anything HALF as nice about me as Steve Carrell said about Carol Burnett during his introduction, I would spontaneously burst into flames.
Second, I would kill 100 men for literally anyone to look at me the way any person in that room was looking at Carol Burnett.
– The raw, gay energy emanating from this moment:
— best of emma stone (@badpostestone) January 7, 2019
– Regina King stopping the play off music through the sheer power of her speech and then vowing to make all her projects moving forward 50% women.
– Sandra Oh FINALLY WINNING A GOLDEN GLOBE for Best Actress in a TV Series Drama for Killing EVE.
Me when Sandra won: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Me when they cut to Sandra’s dad standing up and clapping: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me when she screamed: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me when she thanked her mom and dad: *uncontrollable sobbing*
– “Please welcome Chris Pine and his busted face.”
– Glenn Close’s speech, which brought me to tears for the third time tonight.
– Glenn Close winning in general, which allowed this image to resurface
— dilara elbir (@elbirdilara) January 7, 2019
– Jeff Bridges reprising his lifetime role as “the high, rambling grandpa we all deserve” during his acceptance of the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement award.
– Jeff Bridges’ hair. Should we all be so lucky.
– The fact that Bradley Cooper won nothing.
– Hugh Grant’s facial hair. It looks like he’s shooting for a British spin-off of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. I say this with the utmost respect because I love Hugh Grant more than any self-respecting twenty-six-year-old American should.
– Amy Adams’ 1,000,000th snub.
patricia clarkson winning when amy adams lost is SUCH an Adora thing to do.
— Jarett Wieselman (@JarettSays) January 7, 2019
– The director of Green Book screaming to stop the play off music only so we could stand there for another two minutes whitesplaining racism.
– The fact that Green Book and Bohemian Rhapsody won Best Motion Picture Comedy and Drama (respectively) when both Crazy Rich Asians and Black Panther exist.
This is only the beginning, my friends. We’re officially on the road to the Oscars, and the results of tonight mean we have four weeks of wild speculation ahead of us. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will embarrass themselves with a well-meaning but tone-deaf speech? Only time will well.
Images: @JarretSays, @elbirdilara, @badpostestone, @ChaseMit, @davidmackau, @marykatefotch (Twitter)