Once upon a time, in the early innocent days of pre-2017, The Bachelor was fun, plain and simple. At its worst, The Bachelor was overly staged or flat—now, The Bachelor feels like an oddly painful chore. Is it because a man whose name sounds like a slug falling out of your mouth plays the lead? Maybe—Arie is fundamentally lacking in charm, to say the least. But we Bachelor fans survived (multiple!) seasons of Nick Viall. In television or otherwise, we’ve seen more than our share of lackluster men and not tuned out entirely. So, why does this particular season feel so bad? Why, more than ever, does continuing to watch The Bachelor feel like an indefensible choice? I’ve outlined a few theories below.
It’s A Little Too Real
The Bachelor operates with a fundamentally fascinating premise. Other reality shows require interest in a certain set of people, or industry. The Bachelor is relatable to all, since nearly everyone attempts/fails at finding love at some point in life. The Bachelor, ideally, plays out a personal drama with all the caveats of a car commercial. Closed course. Professional driver. Do not attempt. You need to see a gamified version of love, with right moves and wrong moves and people who are more skilled at getting romantic attention than other people. That’s the sport that we’re watching.
Unfortunately, that’s also now the sport that we’re playing. In college, you either avoid parts of campus or accept that you’ll see Friday’s hookup with someone else on Saturday. On Hinge, you’re excited at a match—then you realize he’s matched with every friend you have in the zip code. If you get a late text, you expect that it’s going out, unchanged, to multiple girls. How is TV any different? Even Bachelor contestants seem more real, populating your Instagram feed with FaceTuned versions of their daily lives. As the circumstances seem less artificial, we feel the personal anxiety return. When Dean picks D-Lo, we feel a gut-punch of recognition. When Rachel picks Bryan, we feel cheated out of the fantasy this TV show was engineered to produce. OF COURSE Rachel and Peter couldn’t have worked out in reality—but since when was that ever the point?
Peter: I can’t marry you, I barely know you.
Women Deal With Enough
I can’t speak to the rest of ABC’s viewership, but somewhere around the Cheeto-in-Chief’s inauguration, I stopped enjoying watching women who were set up to fail try really, really hard to succeed. And The Bachelor, by definition, relies on every woman going after the gold. Even when the gold has less charisma than a raw potato with googly eyes. Even when they bring in so many women on the first night that most of them know they’ll go home. While I’ve happily yelled, “CRAWL FOR IT, BITCHES” at previous iterations of night-one desperation, that feels wrong now. Reality TV is too confused with reality. The same emotion that brought me to my first-ever political march in 2017 has sullied my ability to watch the coerced humiliation of women with an uncritical eye.
Do I have a personal attachment to someone like Lauren B, who seems alternately mean-spirited and completely negligible, like a wasp with a broken leg? No. But I can’t in good conscience say she deserves her heart broken—or worse, ending up with Arie.
TL;DR: In an effort to counteract America’s funhouse mirror-inspired standards for women, I’ve had to check my own. Unfairly judging women is less fun when you’re living a Black Mirror episode of the political ramifications.
Arie: *breathes near a woman*
Seriously, Arie Sucks
Yes, Arie could never have tanked the Bachelor franchise all on his own. But it sure doesn’t help that at a moment of national frustration, ABC handed us such a weak-ass prize. I haven’t seen a lowering of standards for the women. Jacqueline and Seinne are accomplished, cultured, and ambitious. Bekah and Tia are vibrant, warm, and earnest. Becca K and Lauren B are…well, apparently exactly what Arie wants, which is the skill being tested here anyway, so good for them. But every one of these women is put in a demeaning position by even appearing on this show, because they’re contractually obligated to compete below their rank. It’s like when they put Kenny in the ring with Arie early on. Kenny would have looked like an idiot if he did anything other than smash Arie into the ground repeatedly, and (god bless) that’s exactly what he did.
These contestants, because they’re so far out of Arie’s league, are put in the ring with Arie and made to pretend he can beat them. They’re playing out a much darker game than “what if falling in love had game show rules.” They’re playing out “what if falling in love had game show rules and also all the good men died.” The Bachelor should provide a chance at a genuinely great catch (for example, the male equivalent of Rachel). Putting them up against Arie just another demonstration of the very real difference in caliber of male vs. female candidates for any given role. (I’m talking about the election again here, and also kind of about how all your amazing friends date such shitty guys. Why is that?) It’s not fair, and it’s definitely not fun to watch.
At the end of the day, I’m too enamored with the vision of a really good version of this show to fully tune out. I want an IRL Prince Charming, and all kinds of women falling for him at once, and everyone trying and failing to stay two steps ahead of their emotions. This Bachelor is nothing more than a dry microcosm of our own frustrations, and ABC needs to stop letting the only “fantasy” element of this franchise be in the contestants’ enthusiasm for Tuscan architecture. When reality looks like 2018, stop trying to make reality TV more real.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3)
Not to be a bitch, but some good things have happened since Trump was elected. Am I saying everything happens for a reason and maybe this was meant to be? Ew, no, never. Never forget that this is not normal and a true nightmare. But it is important to take some time and focus on the positive. At least that’s what my therapist says and she’s like, really smart.
We put together a list of good things that have happened since a spray-tanned prune entered the Oval Office to help you cope with the existential dread that has become ever-present in your life. Mmmya, you’re welcome.
More Women Running For Office
Well, it looks like America has gotten itself in a pickle and it’s up to women to fix it, as per fucking usual. There’s clearly a glitch in the system, and that glitch is rich, white men. Donald Trump is essentially the cherry on top of a shit-sundae that has been our male-dominated government. Enough is enough, and that’s why over 500 women are running for office in 2018. Is this the part where we all move to an exotic island built by the gods and spend our days toning our biceps and training for war with Robin Wright? God, I hope so.
The #MeToo Movement
While we’re on the topic of women being sick of everyone’s shit, let’s take a moment to appreciate the fact that holding men accountable for their actions went viral this past year. I mean, it’s long overdue, but so is everything I’ve ever received from a man. Like an orgasm, for example. Anyway, powerful men are having their careers negatively affected when they are outted as sexual abusers, which is something I honestly wasn’t sure I would live to witness. Here’s to hoping this continues as more than just a trend, and all industries take it upon themselves to make real change when it comes to sexual harassment in the workplace. Also, fuck Harvey Weinstein.
More Marijuana Legalization
This one is tentative for now, so we have to keep fighting. As I write this, Jeff Sessions is probably putting the finishing touches on his fan fiction about arresting every black man in the country who has ever looked at marijuana. California just legalized weed, which was supes chill. But then Narc Master 3000 (Jeff Sessions) rescinded guidances from Obama’s administration that allowed states to legalize marijuana with minimal federal interference, which was supes not chill. He actually received some backlash from Republicans on this one, because as we all know, Repubs are v horny for state rights. Interesting how conservative politicians are all about state rights until it comes to things like weed and abortion. Veeeery interesting. Anyway, weed is on the rise and we hope it keeps rising…higher.
Cardi B’s Rise To Fame
Speaking of things rising (wow, I am killing it with these transitions), let’s talk about the incredible gift that is Cardi B. “Bodak Yellow” dropped this summer and we are forever changed. It’s the perfect anthem for anyone who holds a petty grudge against all the haters and losers of their past. So, all of us. Not only is this song a banger, Cardi B herself is literal perfection. She’s hilarious af and her Instagram is proof that she is a goddess that walks among us. We are not worthy.
Jake Tapper’s Rise To My Fantasies
Jake Tapper is the hero that none of us knew we needed. Before the Trump presidency most of us didn’t know or care who some CNN news anchor was, but now we’ve been forced to watch the news and welcome Jake Tapper into our lives/fantasies. Jake is v smart and v good at making dumbasses look like dumbasses on live television. What else could you ever need? Also, one time he publicly humiliated Stephen-Most-Likely-To-Be-A-Virgin-Miller and it was everything.
The Sup became more of a thing this past year, and tbh it is taking the nation by storm. We know you read The Sup, because you literally are right now, but don’t forget to spread the word. Tell your friends, tell your wife, tell your kids. We will take down this administration, one betchy comment at a time.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
It’s been quite a year over here at Betches. We’ve had a lot of highs, and I guess some lows because nobody is perfect, not even me (or so my therapist says). If we make it into 2018, we’ll definitely look back at this past year as important—probably for bad reasons, like this was the year we plunged ourselves into a nuclear war, but important nonetheless. We’ve taken a number of walks down memory lane in regards to the past year. We recalled the most scandalous celebrity breakups, the worst beauty and fashion trends, and the craziest political moments. But now it’s time to talk about us, Betches. When were we at our best? What articles did you all love? Let’s reminisce on the most popular articles of the past year.
10. A Breakdown Of The Army Of Skanks Competing For Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s Heart On ‘The Bachelor’
We broke down Arie’s contestants in only the way we could: by making snap character judgments based on the answers to a few superficial questions.
9. The Teen Dramas That Defined Our Youth, Ranked By Betchiness
Were you a One Tree Hill ride-or-die? A Gossip Girl ….girl? Whatever your overly dramatic program of choice, find out how it ranks by what’s important: betchiness factor.
8. Your Friend Who Orders Gin & Tonics Is A Psychopath, According To Science
We won’t say how (read the article), but a scientific study basically proved that people who drink gin are legit crazy. Just what I suspected all along.
7. Ranking ‘The Bachelor’ Contestants By Betchiness
We ranked Nick’s Bachelor contestants by betchiness, but mostly we judged the shit out of them. It was a simpler time when the worst thing to happen on television was Nick Viall being the Bachelor.
6. Mattel Just Released A New Line Of Ken Dolls And They’re All Fuckboys
Mattel tried to modernize Ken, and ended up creating a line of dolls who all will text you “U up?” at 2am. It was our best doll roast since the American Girl Dolls.
5. The SVU Detectives Ranked From Worst To Best
We ranked the dedicated detectives who make up the elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit from worst to best. These are our stories. Dun dun.
4. Flashback Friday: The Most Ridiculous ‘Sex And The City’ Quotes
This was an oldie we brought back and revamped in 2017. You’re welcome. Going through this list, I’m not sure why we ever thought SATC was good.
3. 15 Signs You’re Dating A Fuckboy
2017 has been the year of the fuckboy. From Dean Unglert to the Pussy Grabber-In-Chief, fuckboys have abounded. But we’ve gotten smarter: we’ve named them, and we here at Betches have given you all the telltale signs of what to look for in a fuckboy.
2. American Girl Dolls Ranked By Betchiness
Yes, we first wrote this a while ago, and we actually brought it back in 2016, but y’all motherfuckers can’t get enough of this roast of your favorite childhood dolls.
1. A Bro’s Ranking Of ‘The Bachelor’ Contestants
The American Girl Dolls got beat out by Jared Fried’s roast of the girls competing for Nick Viall’s heart on last season of The Bachelor. It’s just as much fun to read through now, knowing who wins, as it was back then.
If 2016 was the year of realizing stuff, then 2017 was the year of realizing politics is totally fucked. I mean, what can you expect when the year literally started with a reality T.V. star becoming president? In honor of the truly insane year that was 2017, The Betches Sup is counting down some of it’s most insane political moments. No, this doesn’t include everything. We’re not writing a novel. We’ll leave that to Hillary.
5. The Mooch’s 10 Day White House Job
Like any fuckboy who has ever disappointed you in bed, Anthony Scaramucci talked a big game, but ultimately finished too early. The Mooch was only Communications Director for 10 days before getting fired after being fired for telling a reporter that then Chief of Staff Reince Priebus was “a fucking paranoid schizophrenic” and that Trump advisor/bloated bog corpse Steve Bannon was “trying to suck his own cock.”
TBH I’ve said worse in college when a game of pong wasn’t going my way but like, I’m not White House Communications Director.
4. The Roy Moore Fake Accuser Scandal
Lol remember how Alabama almost elected an alleged pedophile to the Senate? Good times. One of the low-key most insane things that happened during this election (apart from the time Roy Moore rode a horse to the polls), was when Project Veritas, a group best known for filming rightwing sting operations that will eventually end up on your crazy aunt Grace’s Facebook feed, tried to trick the Washington Post. Long story short, hilarity ensued, and we have an amazing article that will tell you all about it.
3. The Time Trump Looked Directly Into The Eclipse
In the days before the eclipse, I feel like I saw a thousand comedians on Twitter joking about how Trump will look into the eclipse. Then the eclipse came, and he literally did it. TBH, in many ways, Trump is literally perfect:
2(A). The Time Trump Called Kim Jong Un Fat On Twitter
“Back in my day, world leaders tweeted insults at each other to solve problems” – Us to our grandkids in 2057 (if North Korea doesn’t kill us all). Who could forget the time President Donald Trump literally tweeted that Kim Jong Un was fat, in the most Mean Girls way ever:
This is the political equivalent of being like, “Omg not to call Becca a skank but like, she’s been sleeping with a lot of guys lately…”
2(B). The Time Trump Tried To @ British Prime Minister Theresa May But @‘ed Some Random Woman Instead
In a similarly
fantastic disturbing, President Trump attempted to roast British Prime Minister Theresa May but @‘ing her on Twitter, but instead just @‘ed some random British lady with the same name who only had 6 followers. RIP Other Theresa May’s mentions. I’m sure they’ll never be the same.
1. The Time Ted Cruz Liked A Porn Tweet
Lol, I mean, who could forget the time Senator/least-popular-person-in-any-room Ted Cruz accidentally liked porn? Sure, he *says* it was liked by a staffer, but that begs the question…why are your staffers liking porn? Who LIKES porn. You just look at it, do your business, and GTFO. No need for the public declaration.
Honorable Mention: Anything involving Sean Spicer
TBH, it would be impossible to pick just one Spicey moment for this list. Whether it be his tweets about Dippin Dots, the time the internet found his venmo, or just his disastrous first press conference that was immortalized by Melissa McCarthy, Sean Spicer was kind of the Snooki of the White House. Did we support him as a person? Nah. But did we love to watch his antics? Omfg yes.
Want more insane political moments? We ran down everything on The Sup Live, Betches’ new political talk show that airs Thursdays at 1:30pm EST on Facebook and Insta Story. It’s just a couple cool people who want to talk politics and you’d better be one of them, beyotch.
Click here to watch the full episode and don’t forget to subscribe to our YouTube page!
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
“New year, new me!” – Literally everyone for the next two weeks. It’s inevitable that you’re going to be spending a lot of time over the next two weeks drinking to make family functions tolerable reflecting on the garbage year that was 2017, and making plans for the garbage year that is to come. The year of realizing stuff was a full two years ago, and I think it’s safe to say that 2017 was the year of being anxious about stuff, but what does 2018 have in store? Well, there’s only one way to know, and that’s to take a hard look at what was accomplished in 2017 and follow it up with a detailed list of quarterly goals that you will hold yourself accountable for in 2018.
JK. It’s time to consult the stars and plan out your life based on whatever it is they say. Fucking duh.
Aries: Get Shit Done
2018 is going to be the year of accomplishing stuff for you, Aries. And look, it’s not all going to be easy. If Kim Kardashian’s iPhone game taught us anything, it’s that going from the D-List to the A-List takes fucking work. You have a year of turning down fun shit to do productive shit ahead of you, Aries. But don’t worry, it’ll all be worth it when you start killing it so hard you get Insta verified and you score an invite to the Met Gala.
Taurus: Let Shit Go
I know it’s hard to imagine, Taurus, but it is time to forgive Amy from your second grade class for starting that (actually true) rumor you peed your pants at her birthday party. Yes, Amy is probably still a bitch, but looking through your elementary school best friend’s brother’s Instagram to stalk her and make fun of her ugly newborn decision to have a family is not a productive use of your time. That’s right, this is the year of getting over stuff for you, Taurus. TBH, it’s been a loooong time coming.
Gemini: Invest In Shit
As a Gemini, you change personalities more often than a RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant changes looks, so who will you be this year, Gemini? The business bitch. That’s right. This year you will feel a sudden motivation to get your finances in order, and you should def answer that call. Who knows when you’ll feel like learning wtf a 401K is again. Follow this road as far as it’ll take you. It’s the year of investing in stuff for you.
Cancer: Fuck Shit Up
No more Mrs. Nice Cancer! This year you are going *off* on everyone and everything that you used to not say shit about because you didn’t want to deal with the drama your truth bombs would bring. Sorry world, we’re leaving giving a fuck in 2017. This is the year that you take the reigns of your own life, and stop pretending to like people’s shitty selfies just because you can tell how thirsty they are. This is your year of ruining stuff and, honestly, we’re excited for you.
Leo: Shake Shit Off
I have some bad news for you, Leo. There is haterism in your future. It’s not your fault you’re so popular, but you know what they say, haters gonna hate. But don’t worry, as long as you keep a cool head and focus on your own awesomeness (which has never been hard for you in the past, TBH), you will come out on top, as long as you remember that 2018 is the year of letting stuff slide. Yes, you might catch a subtweet from a coworker who’s just mad because you’re more fun at happy hour than her, but no, you should not reply via company-wide Slack detailing all the reasons she has no friends. Take that shit to the GroupChat where it belongs.
Virgo: Learn New Shit
The stars and planets are giving you a full brain blast this year and no, it’s not just your Adderall prescription. Basically, you’re going to be a genius this year, so you might as well put that hyped up brain to good use. If you don’t, you run the risk of becoming that bitch in your friend group who is always exhausted from having to explain shit. This year of learning stuff means that things like branching out, starting a Pinterest project, or taking a class in something random won’t actually be awful. In fact, it will keep you sane while your dumbass friends try to figure out wtf “net neutrality” means.
Libra: Keep Shit Real
Red alert to your entire friend group, Libra: You’ve been bitten by the honesty bug this year. For whatever reason, you just cannot see the value of lying about shit just to make people feel better anymore. It’s the year of being honest about stuff for you, and yes, that might mean you lose a friend or two along the way, but TBH, cutting people out is all the rage these days anyway. It’s like Marilyn Monroe said, “If you can’t handle me at my brutally honest, you don’t deserve me at my two-faced bitch.”
Scorpio: Get Fit As Shit
2018 is bestowing upon you a fuckton of extra energy, and what better way to use that energy than to finally, actually, get on your fitness? Sure, everybody and their childhood frenemy says they’re going to get fit for New Year’s, but you like, actually are going to, because this year is all about health stuff. I’m actually jelly.
Sagittarius: Explore New Shit
Guess what, Sag, you have some travel in your future. That’s right. The desire to GTFO will take you far and wide this year, so we are declaring it the year of exploring stuff. If you don’t already have one, look into one of those nice-ass credit cards with travel points so you can hop on a plane easier than you hopped on a d freshman year (it’s cool, you were exploring shit then, too). But please, do not get any Chinese symbols, Sanskrit phrases, or the word “wanderlust” tattooed anywhere on your body. If you need to immortalize your travels, do it on Insta. Trust us.
Capricorn: Focus On Your Shit
Let’s be real, Capricorn. In 2017 you were distracted af. It’s not all your fault. Everything was kind of fucked, but this year it’s time to refocus. This year you’re going to set goals and like, actually remember and follow through on them. Maybe it’s time to get one of those bullet journals Pinterest people are so obsessed with to aid in your year of focusing on stuff. Also, it’s time to preemptively cut out any distracting fuckboy relationships that will dull your shine this year. After you get them to pay for you on NYE, of course.
Aquarius: Hustle That Shit
2018 is going to turn you into a low-key entrepreneur, and TBH, you don’t hate it. This year will be the year of the side hustle for you, Aquarius, so you should probably get that Squarespace account all set up. Whether it be an Etsy store for your line of subtly sexual cross stitch, or a line of alcohol themed essential oils, your desire to hustle stuff is strong in 2018. Embrace it. You could invent the next fidget spinner.
Pisces: Be Zen And Shit
“Ommmmm”—literally you, every day this year. You’re about to become that person in your friend group who went to one yoga class and changes her name to Shavasana. Embrace it. While everybody you know is going to be stressed af, you’re going to be clocking in hours on your favorite meditation app, detaching yourself from the material world, or whatever. Spiritual stuff is going to take control of your life this year and, honestly, it’s going to turn you into a legit good person, at least for this calendar year.
I think we can all agree that 2017 was like that drunk friend who didn’t know when to quit before
killing the internet puking in the cab or starting a Twitter feud with someone who def has weapons of mass destruction drunk dialing their ex. So, yeah, it’s been like, v exhausting to keep up with this year. That said, the one thing we actually didn’t fuck up too much was hair trends, because I guess something in this world is still sacred. In fact, I had a hard time deciding which trends would make it into my burn book this year. Now, does that mean I’m not still going to drag anyone who I felt even slightly personally victimized me with their haircut? Hell no. I need to end the year how I started it: by publicly shaming people I don’t actually know. So, here are the worst hair trends of 2017, and here’s hoping they die a quick and painful death in the new year.
1. Rainbow Roots
Ah, yes, because I’ve always wanted my hair to resemble a preschooler’s art project. I guess we have Australia to thank for this atrocity since
patient zero the person who came down from an acid trip mid-hair appointment and started this trend hailed from the Blondies of Melbourne Salon. I mean, is this the universe’s way of balancing out the scales since Australia also gave us the Hemsworth brothers? Because that’s literally the only reasonable explanation for this trend starting: karmic payback.
2. The Comb Over
Similar to how racism, homophobia, and sexual harassment made a comeback at the beginning of 2017, so too did the comb over! Crazy how that happens sometimes. I guess nothing says “sex appeal” like
systematic discrimination hair that’s strategically placed to hide baldness. Here’s hoping there’s an impeachment this trend dies along with the presidency that encouraged it. I won’t hold my breath, though.
3. Cinnamon Hair
Do I hate this hair color trend only because it’s associated with a person who agitates the fuck out of me on a daily basis with her Instagram stories? That’s certainly part of it. Pinterest and people who orgasm from just the smell of a PSL are absolutely to blame for this hair color becoming a thing this fall, and it’s a sin that can’t be forgiven.
4. Glitter Roots
Apparently fucking with your roots was right up there with being extra AF with your eyebrows, because people could not leave them well enough alone this year. I didn’t realize that 2017 would be the year that I’d have to explain why people wanted to walk around with iridescent dandruff, but you learn something new every day.
5. The Perm
So awhile back we may have said that perms were the next big hair trend for 2017, the immediate result of that article being that my mother acted smug AF in the family group chat and also that Taylor Swift
made this look her own decided to ruin it. Apparently Taylor doesn’t want us to have nice things, because she brought out her own version of the perm for her Reputation album and it was… absolutely heinous really hard to look at. I’m calling it rn, 2018 will be the year we see a massive amount of 14-year-old girls rocking permed bangs in school photos—something they’re 100 percent going to feel a large amount of self loathing for about a few years later.
2017 was a shit storm. Actually, that’s an understatement, but I’m too emotionally drained from talking about how shitty this year was to accurately describe it. Obviously, we’re all going to try to make 2018 way better. Realistically, we’re probably going to be dragging the majority of our terrible baggage into the new year. So instead of setting unattainable goals, like drinking less and exercising more, let’s be honest and work towards something we can actually do. Ditching 2017’s most annoying slang terms is a really great start towards creating a less shitty new year. Here are 10 words you need to not use in 2018. You have like, over a month to quit, so no excuses.
This word was pretty much over the second it began. It is by far the most annoying slang term of 2017. (In a survey conducted by me, where I only asked myself.) This also goes for variations on shook, i.e. “shooketh”.
Lit is pretty much only acceptable when it’s being used to describe something sarcastically. Like, saying that your dentist appointment was lit is kind of funny. But that’s about as funny as it gets, and it’s not even enough for a forced “lol dead.” Just stop saying it.
I don’t care if Chris Pratt is standing in front of you with a baby Australian Shepherd puppy. You should never call anyone Daddy. It’s creepy as shit.
We get it. We all wear leggings and drink the same hot beverages in the morning. We like brunch. Get over it.
Have you noticed that extra and basic kind of go hand in hand? They’re supposed to be opposites but people are morons and tend to misuse them interchangeably, so they’re both cancelled. Like, no, your eyelash extensions cannot be “SOO extra” and “basic AF” at the same time.
Sorry, you’re going to have to find another term to describe leaving someone on read. Savage gets used way too frequently in boring contexts, so it’s not even really effective anymore.
7. Sorry Not Sorry
Sorry Demi, but I think Facebook moms say this now. It’s been over.
By all means, be ambitious, but please stop commenting “goals” with the heart eye emoji on all of Chrissy Teigen’s Instagrams.
Enough with saying attractive people are looking like snacks. It just makes me want an actual snack.
Low-key has high-key become a place holder to fill up sentences that feel kind of empty or to attempt to sound less bitchy. Just stop.
The late 90s was a weird time. Nobody really had a cell phone. We were all legitimately worried that the world would explode or whatever the fuck when the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2000. Mean Girls didn’t exist yet. Weirdest of all was the music at the time, and none of it was weirder than 1999’s “The Thong Song” by Sisqo. The music video is, unequivocally, the most 1999 thing to ever exist—the quaint idea that guys secretly talk about underwear, the hotdog-as-a-dick visual metaphor, the vaguely Asian iconography, the censoring of the word “breasts,” etc.—and it was all delivered by a strange little man with platinum hair and Air Force Ones doing gymnastics at the beach. And it worked! It was a legitimate, nation-wide phenomenon. Your mom probably hummed it while she folded laundry. I knew every fucking move in that dance break (I was, and remain, almost cripplingly cool).
It’s the kind of thing that doesn’t age well, and isn’t really something you can explain to subsequent generations—it’s you, sitting in the backseat while your dad belts out Billy Joel classics, and saying “ew dad, people actually liked this when you were young?” I don’t hate it even 18 years later, but it’s not a “good” song. It’s a relic best left in its era, only to be dusted off for get togethers with my old-ass friends and 90s/2000s-themed frat parties.
That’s why it’s weird as all hell that, for whatever reason, someone named JCY decided now was the time to “bring back” “The Thong Song,” only with a KEWL NEW VIBE for the MILLENNIULZ:
This, objectively, is a piece of shit. It rips out everything that gave the original what modicum of charm it had (the strings, Sisqo’s vocals) and kept everything that made it stupid (the verses are still identical, Sisqo is old and can’t sing or dance anymore). The women in the video don’t even have good thong butts!
As far as the new track, Buzzfeed (because they are and will forever be the most stupid goddamn destination on the internet) says it “feels VERY 2017,” which almost made me spit out my cold brew. This is terrible EDM, so bad it makes the Chainsmokers sound like fucking Bob Dylan by comparison. On top of that, I can think of, oh, a dozen songs right now that better exemplify today’s sound than this transistor radio recording of wet fart sounds. The only thing that’s “VERY 2017” about it is that, versus the 1999 version, everyone in the video is whiter.
Don’t let people do this shit. We all have things from our childhoods we remember, probably a little more fondly than they merit—and it’s best to keep it that way. I’m gonna go watch those kids dance to “Despacito” for half an hour and pretend this never happened.