The Grammys is like the crazy, alcoholic aunt of award shows, and every year the fashion seems to get more fucking insane as celebrities continue to lose their goddamn minds. In case you didn’t get a chance to judge a bunch of millionaires on their poor taste in clothing, I’m going to go ahead and do it for you. You’re welcome.
Rihanna’s wardrobe is a fucking mystery, man. Sometimes she wears clothes she literally ripped off a homeless person and other times she is a goddamn icon. There is no in between. This year Rihanna decided to have Halloween just fuckin’ vomit on her and it kind of looks, idk, good?
Tori Kelly is the nice girl next door who sings about Jesus and Africa and all the little birdies and the monkeys, right? Whatever. She looks like a tree, but like, a sexy tree. Normally anyone who wears ruffles is immediately put on my hit list, but ya did good kid.
I remember my first hair extension. Demi looks like she cut up a hammock and just wrapped it around her body. Bold strategy, Cotton.
Yeah, fuck it. I put her on here. I was sick of the classy shit she was doing anyways. Sure, her jacket looks like a sea anemone and her bottom half screams daddy issues, but the hair and glasses are giving me life.
Who wore it better?
Her makeup look is “very hungover, borderlining on dead.” Someone should tell Lea your makeup isn’t supposed to match your career.
HALSEY: Tell me why she looks like a young Hugh Hefner? You couldn’t fucking steal a shirt to go with the mattress you stole from your roommate back in Boulder?
I feel like Camilla looks like the mean girl in any Disney Channel movie who is like, going to be prom queen at the Mormon dance. If this isn’t already a movie, I call copyright right the fuck now.
Cool dress Daya, what’s it made of? Your grandma’s lampshade!
When they say “dress for success,” I don’t think they mean “dress up like the award you hope to win.”
Cee Lo Green
Damn, that’s the biggest Ferrero Rocher chocolate I have ever seen. After this show he’s going to go terrorize a city in a low-grade Marvel film.
Whoever The Fuck Joy Villa Is
Winner of the very prestigious PR Stunt of the Year Award. This is by far Ivanka’s best dress in her collection. You can get it for $3.00 at your local Marshall’s.
Lookin’ like a kid’s birthday party Barbie. Who are these people?? *gets invite to first Grammy* BALLS, I WANT BALLS ALL OVER ME.
Jacqueline Van Bierk
So clearly the fashion theme of The Grammys this year was “the more irrelevant you are, the more heinous your outfit has to be.” I get that CD’s are obsolete, but you could have done something a little more productive with them than stick them on a dress with a bunch of googly eyes. Somewhere out there, a Michael’s is missing half its scrapbooking aisle.
Another year, another nine nominations for Beyoncé. This year’s Grammys show touched on everything we expected it to: the subtle Trump jokes, the Adele vs. Beyoncé debate, and America’s attempt to think of what else James Corden does aside from Carpool Karaoke. In case you missed the biggest night in music (and the one time a year rappers decide to bring out their religious sides), we’ve recapped the night’s epic moments and the tragically bad ones. Here’s the lineup:
1. Beyoncé Giving No Fucks By Not Memorizing A Speech
Bey’s whole Multi-Cultural / Spiritual/ The Last Supper/ Mother’s Day Came Early themed performance was a bit confusing and very overwhelming, but we can’t judge the queen. She literally read her acceptance speech off of a golden pamphlet and gave no fucks that you’re supposed to memorize a speech. Do you think Queen Bey has time to run lines before the show?
2. The Fake Tweets Line
James Corden had a pretty minimal amount of solid jokes throughout the night, but we have to admit we were a fan of his “fake tweets” line when he started getting hate tweets from randos. We’re usually not that amused by all the political undertones in every punchline, but this one was subtle enough to be clever.
3. Chance The Rapper Winning Everything
TBH we weren’t that into Chance’s whole “in the name of the Lord” theme going on with his acceptance speeches, but we’re pretty happy about his triple win. Aside from the fact that “No Problem” is literally the pregame song of 2017, we were ready for a break from Drake and Rihanna winning every rap and hip hop award. We approve of Chance being artist of the year.
4. Carrie Underwood’s Dress
We honestly weren’t blown away by many of the fashion choices this year, but Carrie Underwood looked unreal in her hot red Elie Madi gown. We’re obsessed with the edgy cutout and bold color, and her makeup and new highlights looked unreal on top of it all. Her performance was alright too.
5. Bruno’s Performance
We’ve gone back and forth on our opinion on Bruno Mars. I mean, on one hand, I could throw my phone out of the car every time “Uptown Funk You Up” comes on the radio, but on the other hand, his songs are ideal for those blurry Ubers on the way to the club when you’re still convinced you’re in for a good night. We were hoping for “24K Magic,” but his “That’s What I Like” performance actually made us forget for a quick second that he’s literally 5’3″.
Related: The Best Moments From Beyoncé’s Grammy Performance To Make You Feel Unworthy
1. Twenty One Pilots Dropping Their Pants
I just wish I were in the room to shut down that idea the second one of them said, “If we ever win a Grammy, we should receive it just like this.” Like, Twenty One Pilots creeped me out already before this situation, so the second they dropped their pants, it just confirmed the creepiness. I mean, I get that their lesson was some “anyone can do this” bullshit, but did we need to see your scrawny hairy legs to get the message?
2. No One Knowing The “Sweet Caroline” Lyrics
That Carpool Karaoke joke actually had potential considering it literally is the one funny thing James Corden does. Why couldn’t anyone sing “Sweet Caroline”? I mean, I get that it’s an old song, but ask any kid at a bar mitzvah and they could belt that shit out from memory, so why couldn’t a bunch of professional singers do it??
3. Adele’s Tribute Fuck-Up
Adele, you’re the queen and you’re dramatic as fuck, but did you really need to restart the whole song that no one wanted to listen to in the first place? I guess it’s kinda respectable that you wanted to get the performance perfect in George Michael’s memory, but like, next time just sing better the first time around. We’ve seen you do it before.
4. James Corden’s Parents Bit
We’re not gonna deny that James Corden had some funny lines throughout the show, but the whole “parents cheating on each other” bit was cringeworthy AF. It was bad enough to see Heidi Klum on your dad’s lap. We didn’t need to suffer through your mom’s bad acting skills with Nick Jonas. This idea probably sounded better on paper.
5. Metallica’s Mic Fiasco
Lady Gaga obviously killed it at the Super Bowl last week, so it didn’t really bother us that she sang with Metallica, but once James Hetfield’s mic was clearly broken, we just wished she was up their solo. We’re not into heavy metal or anything, but we felt kinda bad for him watching him desperately try to share Gaga’s mic. I mean, it’s just sad that Adele got her do-over but he didn’t. Moral of the story? Sucks to be anyone that’s not Adele.
Related: Adele Went Full Cady Heron: Grammys Recap
Here to make you feel like a literal piece of garbage on this bleak Monday, in which you are probably hungover and very sad and a little fat, is Beyoncé. If you missed her Grammys performance last night, how fucking dare you. SMDH, you are so selfish. Bey, while still pregnant with twins, took to the stage to sing both “Love Drought” and “Sandcastles” from her life changing record/visual album masterpiece, Lemonade. There were holograms. There was nudity. There were yellow sheets. There were tons of other women. It actually might have just been Jay Z’s fever dream, now that I really think about it.
After being introduced by her mother, Tina (who I think I might be very afraid of, but that’s a separate emotional journey I’ll look into at another date), Bey came out in a gold dress and headpiece. Then, the three hottest performers in music right now, Bey, Red, and Yellow* did the damn thing. And by that I mean, made every mere mortal feel simultaneous joy for how lucky they are to have Beyoncé, and regret for their paltry list of accomplishments. Here are the performance’s highlights.
*Red and Yellow are the names of the Carter-Knowles Twins® until proven otherwise.
1. When She Looked Better Naked And Pregnant Than Approximately 100% Of Us Ever Will
Beyoncé is pregnant with twins and she still looks like a rock star.
2. When She First Graced The Stage And Announced That She’s The Leading Ruler Of Our Country
World: SLAY BEYONCE MY QUEEN GODDESSSSSS LET ME WEAR YOUR SKIN LOL JK BUT NOT REALLY CAN I WEAR IT?
Beyoncé: These peasants think I’m a goddess so I guess I’ll just like…become one?
A good reminder to dress for the life you want.
(Side note: How many teenagers are going to try and replicate that gold flower crown at Coachella this year? Taking bets now.)
3. When The Spoken Word Portion Was Lit
This looks like what acid feels like.
4. When She Rose Like Jesus, And Everyone, Including Donald J. Trump, Began To Sob
(Yes, I did photoshop that tweet.)
5. When All Of Her Dancers Bowed The Fuck Down And She Walked The Table Holding Her Stomach As If She Just Ate Some Bomb-Ass Meal
This is the updated version of “The Last Supper” right?
6. When She Trusted That Chair Wouldn’t Fall, Proving Once Again That She Trusts Things Too Easily (See: Cheating Husband)
^^^Actual footage of me, trying to “Lean In.”
7. When She Just Wanted To Lie Down Real Quick Because Even Michael Jordan Takes Naps
8. When More People Bowed Down To Her
Wait, omg are those doulas and is she about to give birth?
Is Liz from The Bachelor there?
9. When She Personified ‘IDFWU’
This is my intended aesthetic.
10. When She Finally Sat Down And Fucking Nailed Those Vocals
Full disclosure: I tried to not fall under the stereotype of “white women who cry every time Beyoncé does anything,” but here we are. I’ve sobbed so much into my glass of Pinot Noir that it now resembles Rosé.
On a separate note, there were another set of twins that looked mighty fly on that stage.
Fuck the Grammys, this performance deserves an Oscar. Honestly, it’s the best film I’ve seen all year.