I think we can all agree that 2017 was like that drunk friend who didn’t know when to quit before killing the internet puking in the cab or starting a Twitter feud with someone who def has weapons of mass destruction drunk dialing their ex. So, yeah, it’s been like, v exhausting to keep up with this year. That said, the one thing we actually didn’t fuck up too much was hair trends, because I guess something in this world is still sacred. In fact, I had a hard time deciding which trends would make it into my burn book this year. Now, does that mean I’m not still going to drag anyone who I felt even slightly personally victimized me with their haircut? Hell no. I need to end the year how I started it: by publicly shaming people I don’t actually know. So, here are the worst hair trends of 2017, and here’s hoping they die a quick and painful death in the new year.
1. Rainbow Roots
Ah, yes, because I’ve always wanted my hair to resemble a preschooler’s art project. I guess we have Australia to thank for this atrocity since patient zero the person who came down from an acid trip mid-hair appointment and started this trend hailed from the Blondies of Melbourne Salon. I mean, is this the universe’s way of balancing out the scales since Australia also gave us the Hemsworth brothers? Because that’s literally the only reasonable explanation for this trend starting: karmic payback.
2. The Comb Over
Similar to how racism, homophobia, and sexual harassment made a comeback at the beginning of 2017, so too did the comb over! Crazy how that happens sometimes. I guess nothing says “sex appeal” like systematic discrimination hair that’s strategically placed to hide baldness. Here’s hoping there’s an impeachment this trend dies along with the presidency that encouraged it. I won’t hold my breath, though.
3. Cinnamon Hair
Do I hate this hair color trend only because it’s associated with a person who agitates the fuck out of me on a daily basis with her Instagram stories? That’s certainly part of it. Pinterest and people who orgasm from just the smell of a PSL are absolutely to blame for this hair color becoming a thing this fall, and it’s a sin that can’t be forgiven.
4. Glitter Roots
Apparently fucking with your roots was right up there with being extra AF with your eyebrows, because people could not leave them well enough alone this year. I didn’t realize that 2017 would be the year that I’d have to explain why people wanted to walk around with iridescent dandruff, but you learn something new every day.
5. The Perm
So awhile back we may have said that perms were the next big hair trend for 2017, the immediate result of that article being that my mother acted smug AF in the family group chat and also that Taylor Swift made this look her own decided to ruin it. Apparently Taylor doesn’t want us to have nice things, because she brought out her own version of the perm for her Reputation album and it was… absolutely heinous really hard to look at. I’m calling it rn, 2018 will be the year we see a massive amount of 14-year-old girls rocking permed bangs in school photos—something they’re 100 percent going to feel a large amount of self loathing for about a few years later.
So I think it’s safe to say that 2017 has been a rough fucking ride for everyone, amiright? And by “rough fucking ride” I mean literally batshit crazy. Like, that time we elected a president whose idea of a good time is drunk texting his ex tweeting insults at foreign leaders who definitely have weapons of mass destruction at their disposal. *smiles through the pain* Or that time we made Nick Viall the next Bachelor and then followed that decision up by making an irrelevant nobody who bangs sorority girls in his spare time Arie the Bachelor after that. Really tough times, my friends. That said, nothing was more batshit this year than when people tried to start a beauty trend. I mean, glitter butts? Fucking rainbow roots? Tbh these weren’t even really the worst of it. And if you’re reading this and thinking you absolutely tried to pull off one of these looks at one point or another in 2017, then congratulations, you’ve made it to my burn book. It’s really a coveted place in my heart. Now prepare to be skewered for it. So here are the worst beauty trends of 2017 (and let’s all pray none of these people fuck up 2018 for us).
1. PIMPLE NAIL ART
First of all, I AM CALLING THE DAMN POLICE on every single one of you bitches who brought this shit to my Instagram news feed by making puss-filled nails a viral fucking phenomenon. It matters not that you didn’t try this trend out for yourself, just that you viewed and/or liked this hate crime of a video. You know what you did, stand by that. Now I have to somehow explain to my future children that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, even spending 12 hours of your life trying to recreate a pimple popper video on your nail bed.
2. SNOGGED LIPS
Ah, and how could we forget the trend that was inspired my walks of shame and reinforced by people who have clearly never been inside of a frat house at 9am on a Saturday designers at Fashion Week? Seriously, if I wanted to walk around looking like a baby prostitute, I’d break out my Kappa Sig semi formal dress from sophomore year. Yeah, it’s gonna be a no from me.
3. ANYTHING PEOPLE DID TO THEIR EYEBROWS EVER
This year we had to cancel eyebrows, because what was once sacred has now been tainted by the garbage people of Instagram who will do literally anything for a fucking like. And if you don’t believe me then let’s look at the damning evidence, shall we?
Lord Jesus, fix it. If I wasn’t already worried that the end of the world was about to come in the form of a Twitter war between a dotard and a Mr. Short and Fat, then I certainly am now.
Exhibit B: Feather Brows
Sorry, I just slipped into a rage blackout for a minute there. I’m back now. If I had known that 2017 would be the year that people started parting their eyebrows the same way I parted my hair in middle school, then I would have deleted my Instagram account January 1. Just saying.
Exhibit C: Barbed Wire Eyebrows
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Instagram is full of trash humans who can’t be trusted with beauty trends, and now we can’t have nice things EYEBROWS. Let’s now have a moment of silence for all those who were led astray by 15-year olds with a vlog beauty influencers and ruined the sanctity of eyebrows for everyone.
4. CONDOM BEAUTY BLENDERS
That’s right, people. Someone, somewhere, thought it would be cool/trendy/worth public humiliation for an Instagram like to blend their face makeup with A FUCKING CONDOM. I shouldn’t have to say this, but since apparently none of you can be trusted to even blend your makeup the right way, then I guess I have to. Condoms should be used for one thing, and one thing only, and that thing is for after your Bumble date with the guy who “accidentally” missed the last train to Jersey sex. THAT’S IT. Anything else and I will call the fucking police on you, because that is a damn crime.
^^Lexy is not wrong. #ImWithHer
5. TATTOOED FRECKLES
I’m still not entirely convinced that this trend wasn’t just an elaborate prank the world pulled on Lindsay Lohan to make her feel like shit for spending the last of her Mean Girls earnings on getting her freckles removed, but okay. Tattooed freckles started to become a thing at the beginning of 2017, because I guess people like shelling out hundreds of dollars to look like their blackheads are out of control? Whatever. To each their own. Tbh this whole trend is just another reason why you shouldn’t move to Bushwick buy into hipster nonsense. Seriously, don’t do it.
