Even though pretty much everyone dubbed 2016 as “The Worst Year Ever”, we need to be real with ourselves for a second and admit 2017 hasn’t exactly gone as planned either. I mean, we’re barely two months in and we’re already tired as shit. In case you were wondering what has been going wrong, as if you needed a reminder, here are 17 things probably not going your way already in 2017.
1. The Weather
The South had weirdly hot weather and tornadoes. The West had excessive amounts of snow and rain, and now it’s fucking flooding. The East was doing pretty well until it decided to get up to 70 degrees one day, then blizzard the next. Winter sucks anyway, but let’s just all agree that this one has been a real stinker. Thanks a lot, La Niña.
2. Your Love Life
Apparently, the beginning of the year is generally the best time to fire up Tinder and Bumble and all the dating apps because everyone makes resolutions or some shit to find love. You probably were pretty optimistic at the beginning of the year that this was going to be “your year” when it comes to not being single AF. But here we are on Valentine’s Day, and the only male attention you’ve gotten was that dude who cat-called you on the street.
3. Your Hair
You can watch celebrity hair tutorials until your eyes bleed, but thanks to a combination of shitty weather (the need to wear a hat) and lack of motivation, your hair has probably seen better days. Maybe wait until you’re in a better mood/it’s sunny again to do anything drastic to your locks or you’ll be in a really bad place by the first day of spring.
4. The Inauguration
Yeah, basically the whole country thought we were getting punk’d when Trump won the election. I bet a lot of people were like, there’s no way they’ll let this guy be president. Then the inauguration happened and all of our worst fears were realized. What a weird day that was.
5. Politics In General
Basically everything that’s happened in Washington D.C. over the last month has been a major WTF moment. The Muslim Ban they aren’t calling a ban, repealing the Mexico City Policy, fucking up health care for people, you name it. Please, politicians, stop. Just stop.
6. The Bachelor
First of all, no one was very excited about Nick Vile—I mean, Viall—becoming the Bachelor. If you were excited, you can eat your words because this season has been pretty boring compared to past seasons. You can pretend like it’s just as good but you’re lying to yourself. Sure, some moments are entertaining, but do you really think any of those girls see Nick as the prize? No. The real prize is getting picked to be the Bachelorette.
7. The Super Bowl
Tom Brady and The Patriots are like Corinne, and The Falcons are like every other girl on The Bachelor. Sure, one is pretty hot and usually makes the headlines, but the other was so lovable and we wanted them to win. It all came crashing down during the final minutes. Corinne is going to fucking win, isn’t she? Shit.
Yeah, I’m sure you were really planning on hitting the gym and cutting some cals to drop those extra holiday pounds. Actually, though, the only thing you’ve been cutting is cake. You know spring is just around the corner, right? If you ever want to wear a swimsuit again you better reevaluate your priorities—priorities that don’t include midnight runs to Taco Bell.
9. Awards Ceremonies
Am I the only one who has been woefully unimpressed by this year’s award shows? Apart from Meryl Streep dropping some truth bombs at The Golden Globes and a naked and preggo Beyoncé getting robbed, everything else has been kind of meh. Kanye didn’t even show up to the Grammys, so what are we even supposed to talk about? C’mon Oscars, be interesting. We’re begging you.
10. Trying Not To Drink
A bunch of betches tried to do a dry month during January or February (because it’s the shortest month, obvi). Like, I get thinking that you need a cleanse after everything that happened in 2016, but avoiding vodka sodas probably won’t improve your life that much. Let’s be honest, if you made one of these goals and have been sticking to it, I don’t believe you anyway. There’s no way you can see what’s going on in the world right now and not need a drink. You’re just as much of a lush as you were last year. You know it. I know it. We all know it.
Even if your romantic life isn’t totally shitty, sex is not going to be as great in 2017. Why? Because women are stressed AF that birth control won’t be covered by their insurance anymore or Planned Parenthood will get defunded. It’s kind of like a dark cloud looming over your bedroom. Also, don’t try to argue that a new 50 Shades movie is going to motivate your boyfriend to get more adventurous. You know you’re going to have to take charge on that and that’s just more work for you. Eye roll.
12. Wedding Season
You’re probably like, wait, WTF?, we’re months away from wedding season. That is true, but you bet your ass the save-the-dates are piling up on your fridge. Going to the kitchen now is like a constant reminder that you’re going to have to spend so much fucking money to support your friends and their happiness. Just UGH.
13. Planning for Spring Break
Did you forget spring break was even on its way because the weather sucks so much? Yeah, I think everyone is kind of caught up in other things right now. Maybe we can all take a minute from protesting an evil dictatorship and plan some much needed R&R. Maybe just don’t plan a trip to Mexico though, because the wall might get put up and you’ll be stuck in Cabo for the rest of forever. Actually, that might not be such a bad thing….
14. Your Horoscope
We couldn’t really expect this year to be stellar because our horoscopes have been so crappy lately. We started the year with Mercury in Retrograde. You know that fucks shit up. And last Friday was a Full Moon, so everything was just a little bit off. Here’s to hoping the stars don’t continue to screw us over all year long.
15. The Internet
OK, so 2017 is trying really hard to produce internet gold. The Cash Me Ousside girl is kind of funny. The Salt Bae chef guy is just average. But can you really expect viral hits to be produced in an era when Joe Biden isn’t in the White House? And the evil Kermit thing will always be fire. I’m sorry but 2016 had some of the best memes of all time, of all time! Plus, all your socials are full of political nonsense and #FakeNews. Can we just get back to posting selfies and belfies and thigh gaps and all that ridiculous shit?
Real talk. So far this year you have not found a rich sugar daddy to pay your bills and buy you a yacht. That being said, you probably still have to get up everyday and put some effort into pretending to work. It kind of makes you miss interning days when not fucking up a coffee order was your biggest responsibility.
17. Your New Year’s Resolution
It’s the middle of February and I’ll put money on the fact that your New Year’s resolution was garbage a week into 2017. It’s fine. No one is judging you for not sticking to it (we knew that would happen), we’re mostly just judging you for making one in the first place. You should know better. Resolutions are bullshit.