With all the free time we have during this pandemic, so many of us are ripping through TV at a pace production companies can’t keep up with. We’ve binged all the new shows—Tiger King, Too Hot to Handle, Selling Sunset—and we’re now reverting back to the shows we loved as teens. Nothing wrong with a little nostalgia, right? I’m talking Gossip Girl, The Hills, Gilmore Girls…the good sh*t.
Given that we’ve watched these shows from start to finish more times than we’d like to admit, the plot lines, character arcs, outfits, and drama frankly no longer surprise us. Hell, I can quote some of the lines by heart as I watch Blair and Serena fight.
With that being said, let me bring back an element of surprise for you and give you some fun facts you’ve never heard before about the shows—everything from BTS drama between cast members to tea on certain people’s auditions and more.
1. ‘The Hills’
The cast provided their own wardrobe and styling.
Adam DiVello, producer of The Hills, revealed that the cast had to supply their own wardrobe during the show. Since this was the time before brand deals and Revolve sponsorships (can’t believe such a time period existed), this meant the cast was styling and dressing themselves out of their own pocket.
DiVello explained this decision in an interview with InStyle, saying “We always wanted the girls to wear their own clothes….What you wear represents who you are. It’s an extension of your personality.”
He also disclosed that the cast wasn’t provided any on-set hair or makeup either. NGL, I’m annoyed that I have to do my own hair and makeup, and I’m not even on TV—so I can’t imagine the cast was too thrilled about that rule.
So even though the cast ultimately made a sh*t ton of money as the series went on, Heidi Montag revealed that much of her season one looks were thrifted outfits, and Stephanie Pratt said she only hired makeup artists and hair stylists during season three.
The burning question: is Adam DiVello making the Selling Sunset cast supply their own wardrobe and looks as well? If he is, can someone get me a quote on how much Christine Quinn charges for styling consults? And hair braiding lessons? I need to know.
2. ‘How I Met Your Mother’
Neil Patrick Harris was against Britney Spears being cast.
Remember when Britney Spears had her infamous meltdown in 2007 and was put under a temporary conservatorship (“temporary”…and here we are a decade later…)? Well, the one thing you may have had in common with Britney at the time was that she was watching a lot of How I Met Your Mother.
She reportedly loved HIMYM so much that, in early 2008, she asked her management team to reach out to the show and see if she could be cast in an episode. The show’s creators liked the idea, and gave her a role that was set to appear in a single episode only.
For anyone who’s ever seen Britney perform before, here’s the surprise we all saw coming: she absolutely SLAYED her performance in that first episode (duh), so the show wrote her into a second.
It wasn’t just the show’s producers and creators who loved Britney; the viewers did as well. In fact, viewership and ratings went up significantly during the episodes in which she appeared. Despite the healthy bump in numbers, Neil Patrick Harris—who played Barney in the series—was opposed to having celebrity cameos on the show. Although it was nothing against Britney herself, he made it clear that he believed the show didn’t need celebrity drop-ins to generate a following.
My opinion? There’s never enough Britney content. If it were up to me, I would have pulled an Oops! I Did It Again, and written her into episode after episode after episode.
3. ‘Gossip Girl’
Leighton Meester and Blake Lively weren’t IRL best friends.
Blair and Serena may have been BFF goals on-screen, but apparently they weren’t as close off the set of Gossip Girl. So I hate to break it to you, but when you and your sixth-grade bestie pretended to be Blair and Serena, you were kind of modeling your friendship after something that wasn’t real.
Although the off-screen relationship between Leighton Meester (Blair) and Blake Lively (Serena) wasn’t as tumultuous as their scripted fighting scenes, it wasn’t much different than the relationship you have with that random coworker whose name you can’t remember (Is it Christine? Kristina? Didn’t she, like, get transferred to another department? Or…maybe she quit?).
Joshua Safran, a writer for the show, was quoted in Vanity Fair saying, “Blake and Leighton were not friends. They were friendly, but they were not friends like Serena and Blair.” He went on to speculate that the reason behind their non-friendship was their differing personalities: “You talk to Blake on a very contemporary level, and she would be like, ‘I’m doing this thing tonight. Have you been to this restaurant?’ Leighton was very removed and very quiet, and, after her scenes were done, she would wander the stage.”
NGL, seems like Leighton circa the Gossip Girl era was more prepared for this pandemic than Lively.
4. ‘Gilmore Girls’
Ryan Gosling was almost cast.
How many hours have you spent watching Gilmore Girls? Upwards of, like, 1,000? Guess what—some of those hours could have been spent staring at Ryan Gosling, who was almost cast in the series.
At the Gilmore Girls Fan Fest in 2016, the show’s casting director, Jami Rudofsky, revealed that she brought in Gosling to audition for a minor role. She’d previously cast him in an independent film, so she knew his work and wanted to bring his seemingly impressive talents over to Gilmore Girls.
To the misfortune of Gosling stans everywhere, he apparently bombed his audition, and that’s why he didn’t get the role. UGH, Ryan! We were all rooting for you!
So who was burned worse: the viewers who were robbed of precious Ryan Gosling screentime, or Rudofsky when her casting team was pissed she brought in such a sub-par candidate? Personally, I say us viewers suffered more.
5. ‘One Tree Hill’
Producers wrote Sophia Bush and Chad Michael Murray’s IRL breakup into the show.
As a One Tree Hill fan or pop culture junkie, you know all about the fact that Sophia Bush (Brooke) and Chad Michael Murray (Lucas) had an IRL relationship. Sure, their marriage may have lasted longer than Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ infamous 72-day union, but it was still over pretty damn quick.
The couple split in September 2005, five months into the marriage and around the time that season three of One Tree Hill was airing.
The tea? Bush has recently come out and publicly exposed the show’s producers for exploiting her and Murray’s breakup to stir up interest in the show. She claims they did everything from discussing it on set to writing it into the story lines to even running ads about it on TV.
TBH, this makes them look like assholes. A girl needs to deal with her breakup the proper way—privately and/or with her friends, wearing pizza-stained sweats, and eating pint after pint after pint of ice cream.
And, unfortunately, the exploitation didn’t stop there. Bush was quoted on Dax Shepard’s podcast, saying, “ made practice of taking advantage of people’s personal lives. Not just for me and for my ex—for other actors on the show who would share as you do when you get close to people. Deeply personal things that were happening in their lives and they would wind up in story lines.”
Soooo…were those producers trying to build a resume so they could apply for The Bachelor? That type of real-life romantic drama belongs on reality dating shows, not scripted teen dramas.
6. ‘Lizzie McGuire’
Hilary Duff beat out Lindsay Lohan for the part of Lizzie because of outfit choices.
Hundreds of girls, including Lindsay Lohan, had reportedly auditioned for the role of Lizzie McGuire. So why was Hilary Duff—who wasn’t a household name at the time like Lohan—cast over the Parent Trap star? Apparently, it was because of Duff’s style and outfit choices.
Okay, that’s probably not the only reason she was cast, but it made her stand out according to Rich Ross, president of Disney Entertainment at the time: “When we were casting Lizzie McGuire, we called her in four times. She wasn’t doing anything wrong. She just wore such great outfits, and we wanted to see what she’d come in with next.”
So I guess when my college professor said to “dress for the job we want”, that was good advice? If I had paid more attention to his interview tips, then maybe I wouldn’t be stuck living at home with my parents.
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Images: Everett Collection / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (6)
Over the past few years, we’ve come to terms with the fact that some of our favorite throwback TV shows haven’t aged super well. Shows like Sex and the City and Friends made lots of jokes that definitely wouldn’t fly today, in addition to lacking any kind of meaningful diversity. Obviously, the world is a different place than it was in the 90s and early 2000s, and hopefully we’ve all learned some important lessons. But even knowing what we know now, can we talk about how America’s Next Top Model was actually insane?
ANTM first premiered in 2003, and experienced its greatest popularity in the mid-2000s. Each week, Tyra Banks and her judges put a group of aspiring models through the ringer, with dramatic makeovers, ridiculously themed photo shoots, and brutal critiques in front of the panel. There are literally too many cringeworthy Tyra moments to count, but these are some of the ones that I still can’t believe nobody called out back then.
Dani’s Tooth Gap
Why was this allowed to air wtf Tyra banks is going to straight hell pic.twitter.com/xtiWl3srKJ
— Aisha Oladapo (@OladapoAisha) May 5, 2020
When it came to makeovers, Tyra was constantly telling the contestants that they needed to be edgier to succeed in the modeling world, but that apparently didn’t extend to the gap between Cycle 6 contestant Dani’s front teeth. In this clip, Tyra tells Dani that her gap is “not marketable,” which is pretty hilarious, considering I can name three famous models with tooth gaps off the top of my head. Dani actually ended up winning this cycle, and a few seasons later, Tyra made another contestant WIDEN HER TOOTH GAP to stand out more. How was this even allowed to happen? If I were Dani and I saw that I would probably flip a table.
For this Cycle 4 photo shoot, the contestants recreated the iconic “Got Milk?” ad campaign. Cute concept! But things quickly went off the rails when it was revealed that the ladies would be “switching ethnicities” for their pictures. Y I K E S. Literally every single assignment was problematic, but the worst was Noelle (a white woman), who was assigned “a traditional African woman with a head wrap and everything.” Oh. My. God. The resulting photos ranged from blackface, to brownface, to just bizarre, and it’s crazy that this was allowed to happen, even in 2005.
Apparently by 2007, blackface still wasn’t a problem as far as ANTM was concerned. In Cycle 8, Natasha really got into character as a “hip-hop man,” complete with gold chains, fake grills… and an uncomfortable amount of bronzer. Natasha is Russian, and white was can be, so hearing her say “what it do shawty” in an Iggy Azalea-esque twang is really sending me over the edge. On the show, she was praised for her dedication, and no one brought up the fact that they were literally having her do blackface.
The Homeless Photoshoot
One of the most ridiculous photoshoots in ANTM history was in Cycle 10, when the contestants had to pretend to be homeless. I just… yeah. In her promo shot, Tyra held a sign that said “will pose for change,” which I don’t even want to get into. The photos look like they were taken on the set of Little Shop of Horrors, and the worst part? They got actual homeless people to pose as extras in the background. Seriously, who thought this was okay?
Pressuring A Sexual Assault Survivor
In Cycle 15, the contestants were shooting a commercial, in which they were supposed to kiss a guy. This was a problem for Kayla, who revealed for the first time that she struggled being intimate with men because she had been sexually assaulted as a child. But instead of being understanding and reworking the commercial, Mr. Jay guilted her into going through with the kiss, and then applauded her for “pushing aside” her painful memories. Classy.
The Hat Apology
In this episode in cycle 3, the contestants had to choose a hat to model at panel, and the judges criticized Yaya’s choice of a cowgirl hat over an African kente cloth hat, with one judge calling her “half-African, half-cowgirl.” Another judge complained about her “intensity to prove her African-ness,” which she called “overbearing”. I am actually yelling (to nobody, because my roommate isn’t listening, but still). Yaya explained that she chose the cowgirl hat because the other hat was “cheap” and not “authentic.” Later, Tyra asked her to apologize to the hat for insulting it. Hmm, I wonder if the judges ever apologized for their comments about her ethnicity?
I’d like to think that none of these moments would happen in 2020, but honestly, I’m not so sure. There are tons of problematic ANTM moments over the years, and that’s not even getting into Tyra’s deranged talk show. If you want to relive alllll the wild ANTM moments while you’re stuck in quarantine, there are 22 full seasons on Hulu right now, so go crazy.
Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; OladapoAisha / Twitter; NextTopModel, Khris Fowler (2), antmranking, Michael Frechen / YouTube
Hey there Upper East Siders, long time, no gossip.
With coronavirus ruining all of my springtime plans, I’ve officially reached my limit on self-entertainment. A girl can only buy so many new bags and eat so much caviar in one day, especially when my private pilot refuses to fly me to France. People are just so rude these days. Anyway, in order to get myself through this depressing time, I’m turning to Manhattan’s elite because if anyone’s wreaking havoc during this quarantine, it’s going to be them. Being hot and wealthy is just so predictable. Still, what our favorites lack in originality, they make up for in scandal, and for that, I’m ever so thankful.
While being quarantined has ruined my social life, my waistline, and my overall wellbeing, there has been one perk: I’ve had plenty of time to come out of retirement and dig into what Serena, Blair, Chuck, and Nate are up to, as well as a few of their wannabes. No, they’re not the top four, but honestly, I’m so bored, I even care what Ivy is doing atm. Desperate times, kiddies.
So, how *are* the charmed students, families, and alumni of Constance and St. Jude’s faring? With endless money, time, and resources, you can bet they’re getting into all kinds of trouble and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. Buckle up, it’s going to be a dramatic reunion.
Queen Bee has made it her sole mission to find the cure to coronavirus which will, obviously, land her a spot in Yale’s upcoming graduate class. Looks like our girl can’t take the hint that Yale blue doesn’t compliment her complexion. Still, something as simple as not being invited has never stopped her before. While utilizing Chuck’s world resources to pull from the best minds around, Blair is running around NYC with Dorota in tow, yelling at anyone who is outside while, you know, being outside herself.
When B isn’t breathing down Nelly Yuki’s neck asking for cure updates or making Penelope go to her favorite restaurants and insist the chefs cook her favorite dishes (despite closing their doors), she’s not social distancing with Chuck, whenever he actually texts her back and leaves his speakeasy, that is. Some things never change.
Serena van der Woodsen
While Serena had the best intentions to stay home and not brush her hair, one glance from a hot guy walking past her apartment lobby and all thoughts of social distancing immediately went to sh*t. Talk about predictable, S. Afraid everyone would judge her (and rightfully so), she didn’t tell anyone where she was going or who she was going with, but from the looks of her Instagram, she’s somewhere sunny and acting all kinds of scandalous. I hope wherever Lonely Boy is hiding out, he doesn’t have wifi…
Speaking of Lonely Boy… on one hand, Dan wants to do something to help society, he really does. But on the other hand, he’s also pretty busy judging other people for not doing enough to help. He’s left about a million messages on Serena’s phone and won’t stop telling Jenny off for leaving the loft (even though let’s be real, one text from S will have Lonely Boy running).
Despite knowing who started the entire coronavirus pandemic, Dan’s going to do nothing to save the world and will use this information to further move his writing career forward. Aren’t two books and a whole bunch of ruined relationships enough? Hopefully this time he’ll impress Serena enough. Just don’t ask what she was doing while she’s been away. Actually, do. I could use a good lover’s spat right about now.
Few things ruffle Nate’s pretty little feathers, and a quarantine definitely isn’t going to cause him any grief. His wake and bake schedule has been pretty uninterrupted, and it wasn’t until a few days ago that he learned he wasn’t actually supposed to go outside. His string of just-barely-legal hookups keep him busy, because let’s be real, he’s sleeping with the generation that DGAF about staying inside. At least it’s not a mom or a married woman this time, right Nate?
While bars and restaurants have closed down, Chuck’s speakeasy is absolutely flourishing in this time of quarantine. Illegally, of course. Nothing makes people thirsty quite like a pandemic. Charging $1,000 per head just to get in, his bar is the place where people who have no morals, self-control, or empathy go to get some of the most expensive lap dances in NYC. Wonder what B thinks of this endeavor? Keeping him busy and happy might be the only way to ensure he doesn’t dump her, gaslight her, or whore her out in a business deal. Again. Might be time to just cut the cord, B. Everyone knows that mother chucker isn’t best for you in the long-run.
After designing a line of chic hazmat suits, it seems Jenny is the pariah of the fashion industry. Didn’t you know? Only those born wealthy get to be insensitive, J. Blair has officially declared war, Jenny’s job at Waldorf Designs is on the brink, and she’s threatening to leave New York, again. The crazy part? Her looks are actually low-key cute, but since she’s already been blacklisted by Blair, there’s not much any of us can do. Poor Little J.
After about 1 day inside, Georgina was starting to feel too much like “a stay-at-home mom,” so she donned a blonde wig and is running around Manhattan impersonating Serena. From coughing on elderly people to buying out all of the vegan baby food in the city to sell at a premium and attempting to entrap Dan in some sort of sexual tryst at Chuck’s club, she’s taking no prisoners and leaving no chaotic stone unturned. I’m calling an SOS for anyone who gets in her way.
Luckily, Lonely Boy is most likely too busy being a pretentious prick to fall for her schemes. Still, I have a feeling that’s not going to stop G from trying.
It should come as absolutely no shock that Rufus is spending the quarantine forcing waffles and stories of his touring days down everyone in the loft’s throats. It’s gotten to the point that Jenny, Dan, and Lily have all risked virus exposure to get away from him and his comfort carbs. Ugh. Brooklynites.
Who? Just kidding. While she might seem totally irrelevant, Vanessa is using this time to really work on herself and her filmmaking. Sure, she’s nowhere near the Upper East Side because everyone hates her, but maybe once society is running again and she wins some sort of indie film award, Dan will finally love her more than Serena. Good luck!
Eric van der Woodsen
All this extra time spent at home with Lily has given Eric ample opportunity to grow some more janky facial hair and frost his tips. What else is he doing? No one cares, but you can bet it involves a semi-attractive guy and lots of judgment from his mother.
Lily van der Woodsen
After leaving her (ex?) husband/lover in the loft, Lily has returned to her apartment on the Upper East Side and is planning on hosting a coronavirus charity function to raise money for the cause. I mean, sure, getting a whole bunch of rich bitches together to drink champagne and potentially expose each other and the caterers isn’t ideal, but that hasn’t stopped her yet. (Amazingly, neither has the CDC.)
Each guest will be given a gift bag with Louis Vuitton embossed toilet paper, and Lily will spend the event lying to her guests saying that Serena is volunteering in Europe to help those in need. This is one party I’m absolutely RSVPing to.
Aw! Ivy! How we haven’t missed you. In an effort to “get back in with the gang,” Ivy has given herself over to Blair’s cause. She’s willingly been infected with coronavirus so the Waldorf-Bass team can study her. No one’s too worried about the long-term effects of just injecting her with a whole bunch of sh*t, and honestly, Ivy’s cool with it because this way she can at least feel something.
Even in the middle of a worldwide crisis, Penelope is too busy brown-nosing Blair to do anything of real value. Better luck next pandemic, P.
Dorota’s “free time” is spent trailing after Blair, trying to avoid infecting her family even though she’s hasn’t even been remotely practicing social distancing, and drinking lots of vodka. Sure, she’s maybe developed a slight drinking problem while under quarantine (the fact that Blair isn’t letting her self-quarantine probably has something to do with it) but honestly, haven’t we all?
As much as Blair doesn’t want to utilize Nelly (and as much as Nelly doesn’t want to help Blair), the two have teamed up to cure coronavirus. Nelly is the head researcher on the Waldorf-Bass team, and while she’s doing it to like, help people, she’s also hoping this will finally make Dan notice her. For a guy who has a serious chip on his shoulder, he sure does have a lot of girls chasing after him. Still, with Blair and Nelly working together (and Chuck footing the bill), we might actually have a shot of beating this thing. Guess brains, money, and power really might save the world. Go get ’em, B.
Is Bart really dead? Was he behind the global pandemic? Did he bring the virus over to get back at Lily for leaving him and is hoping to cause an economic crisis to then poach the stock market? That’s a secret I’ll never tell. Xoxo.
Images: Giphy (16)
We all love Sex and the City, or at the very least, love to hate Sex and the City. I mean, the better half of the twenty- and thirty-somethings in New York moved here because of the inspiration Carrie Bradshaw and her crew of Manolo Blahnik-clad misfits gave us. We’ve all sat around with our gals and gays deciding who’s the Samantha (always the slutty one that has two glasses of Prosecco and starts announcing “I’m such a Samantha!”) the Miranda (the smart one) the Carrie (me… I’m the Carrie, always) and finally the poor, sad soul that gets labeled the Charlotte. If you’ve ever worked serving tables and had someone order a hot water with lemon, you can blame Sex and the City. I always did.
Here’s the thing about shows from the past: they rarely stand up to today’s standards of quality, comedy, and most importantly, political correctness or even personal morals. Sex and the City is no exception. Even when I watched the show in its entirety seven years ago, there were moments that made me wonder how they got away with some of the sh*t they did at the time. The show ran from 1998-2004, arguably a great time for television, but also a time before it was customary for us to question the things on TV that made us uncomfortable, offended, or simply confused. While there are many a “joke” that would now be considered to be um…in poor taste…these are five episodes that made me say “Uh…oh no, no, you can’t say stuff like that anymore!”
5. Season 2, Episode 12 “La Douleur Exquise” – Stanford’s Big Moment
It’s supposed to be New York in the late 90s/early 2000s, and the LGBTQ+ representation is lacking. Carrie’s gay BFF Stanford is the most visible gay character on the show, with a whopping 27 episodes out of the 94 that make up the series. 27 episodes sounds pretty good, until you watch them all and realize that most of the time Stanford is just dropping by to make a little quip, call himself a queeny bitch, and then sashay offscreen like me leaving a party the second the open bar ends.
In this particular episode, Big is out of town so Carrie has time to kill, so we’re granted a little glimpse into Stanford’s dating life. The scene is set: Carrie and Stanford chain-smoking cigarettes inside the apartment, tossing back pink cocktails and trading tea back and forth. (If you don’t know what Tea is, it’s like gossip—catch an episode of Rupaul’s Drag Race every now and then.) Stanford takes a sip of his cosmo and reveals to Carrie that he’s been dating—cyber dating, he says wearily. “I have cyber sex on the internet. My name is Rick9Plus. Rick9Plus, how sad is that. So, I’ve been chatting with this guy and now he wants to meet and I don’t know if I should.” Carrie, as any good friend should, asks what Stanford knows about him. “His name’s BigTool4you. He seems hot, it’s exciting, and I haven’t good sex since before Cats was on Broadway.” Well he seems hot and says he has a big dick, and in gay world that’s like scoring a doctor who also has his law degree, an apartment in Paris, and family money out the ass! Only like…gay guys also want to score a doctor who has his law degree, an apartment in Paris, and family money out the ass, you know? Big dicks don’t pay the college loans and credit card debt!
Now, do a lot of gay guys have anonymous sex on the internet? Yes. Of course they do. More than most straight people I know, my gay friends have sex a lot. I mean, I don’t, because I’m riddled with anxiety and self-doubt, but my friends who are blessed with anxiety-free brains, or a good Xanax prescription, do. Here’s the thing though, they don’t only have anonymous sex. Growing up I didn’t really know any gay people, like, at all, so the only gay men I was exposed to were the ones on TV having wild sex in dungeons, insulting everyone around them, generally being rude to each other, and never really having any kind of traditional life. Maybe Sex and the City should’ve reconstructed the way gay men were seen on screen, instead of reinforcing those pre-existing stereotypes. But maybe I’m just being a hysterical homo! You know us! Drama, drama, drama!
Stanford does end up meeting with “BigTool4U,” very romantically at an underwear party at an after-hours club in Chelsea, and they share a very special moment where he touches the waistband on Stanford’s tighty-whities. Ah, just like a modern day Gone With The Wind. We never hear from “BigTool4U” again in any other episodes, and Stanford never mentions how their torrid love affair ended, but hey, they were only the most popular and talked-about TV show on HBO at the time, they must’ve just not had the budget to further invest in gay representation!
4. Season 3, Episode 5 “No Ifs, Ands Or Butts” – Samantha Tackles Racism (Not)
It’s no secret that Sex and the City was completely lacking in diversity. Lacking in the sense that it didn’t exist like, at all. Almost every single episode, one of the girls is dating or having sex with a guest star or two who’s only there for one episode. During the entire series, the girls date three people of color. Maria, from the episode where Samantha “tries out” being a lesbian (lol), Dr. Robert Leeds, played by Blair Underwood, who is the go-to defense answer when someone comments on the lack of representation on the show, and then there’s Chivon.
We’re introduced to Chivon through his sister, Adeena, a restaurateur acquaintance of Samantha’s who also happens to be a woman of color. Chivon and Samantha immediately click, and after a few jokes about how smooth and hot he is, sprinkled in with a couple of nuggets of information about how successful he is from Adeena, the girls start potentially the first dialogue about race on the show…and it’s all bad. After Samantha insists she’s not using “black talk,” she’s using “sex talk,” Charlotte corrects her, “it’s African-American talk,” Samantha fires back with, “I don’t see color, I see conquests,” to which Carrie replies, “talk about affirmative action!” I mean… holy sh*t, what? At this point we’re only five minutes into the episode. Buckle in kids, it’s gonna be a real f*cked-up ride!
As the episode goes on, Samantha ends up dating Chivon, and here is where it gets interesting. When Adeena realizes that her friend Samantha is dating her brother, not only f*cking him, she is very unhappy. “I don’t like you seeing my brother, I don’t approve. I’m sure you’re a very nice person but you’re white, and I have a problem with my brother getting serious with a white woman. I’m never going to approve and my approval means a lot to my brother.” Samantha is aghast at Adeena’s response and immediately takes it to the girls, who begin discussing “his big black cock.” Miranda slyly comments, “don’t you mean big African-American cock?” SO MUCH IS HAPPENING HERE AND IT’S SO BAD. The first and only time we’re going to discuss racism in the show is racism AGAINST Samantha!? No, God, please no.
When Samantha refuses to break up with Chivon and shows up to a club with him they bump into Adeena, where sh*t really hits the fan. She yells at Samantha that no matter how many “Jennifer Lopez dresses” she owns she’ll never be with her brother. Samantha makes some comments that made me shrink into my couch, before she struts off, only to get her hair grabbed by Adeena, leading them into fist fighting in the club.
Again, this is one of the only woman of color to ever be on the show, certainly the only one with an actual story line, and she’s portrayed as violent, closed-minded, and is literally called a loud-mouthed bitch by Carrie in the narration??? NO. NO, Sex and the City, just….no.
3. Season 4, Episode 11 “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda” – Roosters & Transgendered People??
When this episode opened with crowing roosters waking up Carrie, I connected. I’ve literally lived in apartments in New York where my rich neighbors with too much money to burn owned chickens and roosters and kept them on their veranda. It’s New York, people are insane. Just this week I saw a man walking down 6th Avenue with a snake wrapped around his neck and an old woman with a parrot on her shoulder shopping at Trader Joe’s. Only Carrie doesn’t just rant about how annoying the roosters are, but also how annoying a group of transgender sex workers that are supposed to work the street outside Samantha’s meatpacking district apartment are! Oh, but also they’re not described as transgender sex workers, we’re introduced to them through Carrie’s narration as follows: “There they were, Samantha’s friendly neighborhood pre-op, transsexual hookers. Half-man, half-woman, totally annoying.” Tasteful, Carr!
There’s so much wrong with this. Imagine Zendaya on Euphoria referring to a group of people as transsexual hookers and it not immediately trending on Twitter. Remember, this is the level SATC was at at the time. The episode goes on with Samantha meeting the girls for breakfast the next morning, where she just digs her ignorant grave deeper. “I’m paying a fortune to live in a neighborhood that’s trendy by day and tranny by night.” Poor, sweet, dumb Charlotte is confused. “Tranny?” She asks. “Transsexuals. Chicks with dicks! Boobs on top, balls down below!?” Samantha answers. “I don’t get the appeal there,” Miranda comments before Samantha babbles some bulls*t about pseudo-straight guys from New Jersey and then they all laugh maniacally like Regina George bullying Katy Heron.
Transgender is defined as someone who identifies differently than their biological gender, while transsexual is someone who physically transitions from one gender to another. You know what they have in common? They don’t like to be called f*cking trannies! Maybe if we weren’t all growing up watching women who inspired a cosmo-and-scooped-out-bagel movement talk so negatively about a vulnerable minority community, we’d be ordering less hot waters with lemon and caring more about basic human rights?
Samantha decides to go down and make friends with the girls, all of whom are women of color, so…yeah, the only women of color in this episode are sex workers referred to as “tranny hookers.” How many rounds of people did this script go through? A lot of people read those words and thought “yes! go for it!!” After Samantha “politely” asks them to quiet down, they agree to move down the block, only to be thanked by Carrie’s pesky little narration: “Samantha always knew how to get her way with men, even if they were half women.” Again, this isn’t the craft services lunch of the day! These are words heard by millions of people tuning in each week, and for years after. Like, think about it a little!
In classic Sex and the City fashion, everything wraps up into a little messed-up bow when Samatha invites the transgender sex workers to a rooftop BBQ and Carrie says things like “I need to see you twirl, sista!” at the woman of color they’ve been talking sh*t about the entire episode, and they all snap their fingers at her joyously. Personally, I want to see this episode rebooted with these three fierce-ass transgender sex workers teaching Samantha and Carrie a thing or two about ignorance while wearing better shoes than them.
2. Season 3, Episode 4 “Boy Girl, Boy Girl…” – Bisexuality Apparently Doesn’t Exist
People mostly remember this episode because it guest stars that guy I only know as Rachel’s hot assistant Tag from Friends, and of course Alanis Morissette, but it’s also the episode where Carrie discusses bisexuality and Miranda cries about being too masculine in her relationship, which is a whole different can of worms I can’t even delve into.
Tag and Carrie go on a date to an ice skating rink (barf, literally never) while skating around and swigging Jim Beam from a flask, which I respect. Tag inexplicably calls Carrie “Carrigan” before listing all of his exes, ending with a guy named Mark. *Scandalous!* We immediately cut to the girls going in on their first serving of granola and berries of the day, and Carrie announces she’s dating a bisexual. Samantha chimes in: “I’m a try sexual, I’ll try anything once!” lol Samantha, l o l. Carrie reluctantly admits that yes, she does have a serious problem with his bisexuality, but he’s just such a good kisser! “I’m not even sure bisexuality exists, I think it’s just a layover on the way to gay town!”
Carrie, the authority on all things LGBTQ+, proclaims as a pride flag rises from the mist behind her. Charlotte, the resident conservative, makes her opinion known, “I’m very into labels, gay, straight, pick a side and stay there!” Miranda tosses in her two cents—”stop kissing him”—before they all scatter away to deal with their urgent $8,000/month apartments and Yves Saint Laurent bags. As Miranda leaves the screen, I wonder if Cynthia Nixon, real-life-out-lesbian-turned-politician, ever stopped for a second and was like, “wait you guys I have to tell you something!” Ah, the eighth world wonder.
At a fancy new club Carrie, makes her concerns known to Tag. “You’re not gay?” she asks. *eyeroll* They end up in bed together, where Carrie starts throwing hypothetical situations at him: “So like..if there was a very beautiful girl on the street, and on the other side was a really good looking man…” He cuts her off and tells her it’s not about sex, just about the person, before they have sex for hours. (Also like, sidenote: I just want to remind you that he is very hot. This has nothing to do with what I’m talking about, but he is very hot.)
Eventually Carrie goes to a party with Tag and his friends, one of whom is Alanis Morissette, and describes the party as a “pupu plater of sexual orientation” before they all play spin the bottle like it’s a cast party after a high school production of Anything Goes. Carrie spins the bottle and it lands on Alanis Morissette, and you oughta know it’s going to be a messy situation. Isn’t it ironic that Carrie kissing Alanis Morissette is what makes her run away from the party with one one hand in her pocket and the other smoking a cigarette, never t0 see Tag again? (Did you get all of those Alanis Morissette puns?? I deserve a f*cking Pulitzer.) There’s literally no wrap up, Carrie just says “that was the last time I ever saw him, I took my old fart ass home.” For the record, and I shouldn’t even have to say this: bisexuality exists, Sex and the City doesn’t know how to accurately portray any character that isn’t an upper-class white woman, Tag is super hot, and Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill album is still amazing.
1. Season 3, Episode 2 “Politically Erect” – Voting is Stupid
Nobody is looking to Sex and the City for political guidance. If the show were to take place today I would be terrified to learn who each of the girls would’ve voted for in 2016, but let’s face it, it would’ve probably been an overall disappointment. Speaking of disappointments, this episode starts with Carrie dating a hot silver fox who’s running for comptroller. Naturally, she refuses to wear his pin out in the open, and instead hides its under a godawful flower pin. Carrie and the girls are all soon dining al fresco, discussing politics in fur coats. The conversation goes as follows:
Charlotte: I can’t believe you’re dating a politician, you’re not even registered to vote!
Carrie: It’s the undecideds they’re really after.
Samantha: I totally get it, not only is he good looking, but he’s got the power thing going for him. It’s gotta be a turn-on.
Carrie: Oh yeah, I’m dating a potential comptroller, it’s hot.
Charlotte: I want to help out with the campaign.
Miranda: Since when are you interested in politics?
Charlotte: Always. It’s a really great way to meet men! And with Carrie by our side we can just get to meet the inner circle, and all the really interesting donors.
Miranda: By interesting men, she means single and rich.
Carrie: Guys, he’s not running for President.
Samantha: Oh he should! I’d vote for him, he’s really cute.
Samantha: I always vote for candidates according to their looks.
Carrie: I base my decision on the swimsuit competition.
Samantha: The country runs better with a good looking man in the White House!
The conversation goes on pretty much like that, Carrie saying one-off jokes while letting it be known that politics are stupid, Miranda making little remarks that remind us she’s the smartest one of the group, but not smart enough to actually bring up the issue that Carrie’s not registered to vote, Samantha talking about how hot JFK was, Charlotte discussing how she wants to date a hot politician—just the usual stuff! Carrie takes the girls to some political event and reminds them to vote for her politician boyfriend. Miranda asks why they’re voting for him, and Carrie lists some bullsh*t reasons before giggling and saying “it’s because I’m sleeping with him!” Samantha announces she doesn’t believe in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party, she just believes in parties—just typical party convo. After more jokes about how he should be elected comptroller because he’s hot, the whole politics storyline fizzles out. The comptroller-to-be asks Carrie to pee on him before breaking up with her because his campaign manager tells him dating a sex columnist is a bad look. Which is really the most believable thing about the episode.
Listen, I’m very aware that politics don’t have to be a part of everything, but a little mention of how voting is important wouldn’t have hurt anyone. If a show can inspire so many people to move to New York and convince their parents to pay for their overpriced apartments then it probably could’ve inspired some of those same people to vote, ya know?
Am I going to stop watching Sex and the City? Unfortunately, no. I’ll probably make more comments on how f*cked up things are on the show, but I’ll still sit there while the next episode auto-plays. There’s nothing we can change about the media of the past, but at least now we can look at it with a different set of eyes. In 2019, I think we’re all a little better at holding TV shows accountable. Also…just like…vote?
Images: HBO (2); Giphy (14)
In the past few years, there have been approximately one million reboots, spin-offs, and revivals of classic TV shows, and it’s definitely gotten a little tiring. I thought I was officially done giving reboots a chance, but apparently there’s room in my heart for one more, because Gossip Girl is officially coming back next year.
On Wednesday, HBO announced a 10-episode series order for an updated Gossip Girl reboot on their new HBO Max streaming service, which is set to launch in early 2020. Exact timing for the long-awaited return to the Upper East Side hasn’t been announced yet, but sometime in 2020 seems like a safe bet. People have been talking about the possibility of Gossip Girl coming back basically since the original series finale in 2012, so it feels crazy that now it’s actually happening.
While the original show took place in the late 2000s, when social media was just becoming a thing, the Gossip Girl reboot will put us in the present, with a new crop of high schoolers. While I’m a little bit sad that this means the original cast likely won’t be back in any significant capacity, I’m excited to see how the premise of Gossip Girl works in 2019 (or 2020). I feel like Instagram culture must be a nightmare for teenagers now, so I hope they address that.
The Gossip Girl creators telling the old cast about the reboot:
According to E! News, “The series picks up eight years after the original Gossip Girl site went dark, a new generation of private school teens are introduced to the watchful eye of Gossip Girl.” I wasn’t really aware that the site had gone dark in the first place, but I’m glad it’s back to wreak havoc on the teens of the UES. I mean, I’m assuming it will wreak havoc, because why else would I want to watch?
HBO Max, which is a collaborative effort between HBO and WarnerMedia, was just announced last week, but they’re already making me want to give them all my money. The Gossip Girl reboot is probably a good enough reason to subscribe, but this is also the same streaming service that Friends is headed to after it leaves Netflix at the end of this year. Don’t shoot the messenger, but you’re probably going to have to pay for another streaming service. Or text your ex and ask for his password. Do you.
Right now, we don’t have many details about the Gossip Girl reboot, but the original creative team is still heavily involved, so I have faith that it’ll be dramatic and entertaining if nothing else. My biggest wish is that the original cast will at least make an appearance (really, what else does Leighton Meester have going on), but hopefully the new characters are amazing too. Obviously, we’re all excited about this, so 2020 can’t come fast enough.
The early 2000s were a magical time of Abercrombie miniskirts, chunky highlights, weird tiny vests, and of course, some of the trashiest reality TV that has ever existed. There was nothing better than gasping in horror at that week’s episode of A Shot at Love and posting about it on Myspace, where you’ve been friends with Tila Tequila for like, ever. Or watching Viva La Bam at your boyfriend’s house after school and losing your sh*t at the many hilarious pranks they pulled. Who didn’t have a crush on Ashton Kutcher after seeing him be so funny and charming on Punk’d? Simpler times. Now that we’re almost to the 2020s (wtf?), what’s become of our favorite trash reality TV stars? I did some research.
Forget about the Kardashians, we have The Osbournes to thank for reality TV as it is today. This was the most popular MTV show of all time, and from what I remember, it consisted of Sharon yelling at Ozzy, Ozzy mumbling incoherently, lots of bleeping, and their goth vampire children Jack and Kelly. Also, there is a third child, Aimee, that the family pretended didn’t exist on camera, which I think is so weird and hilarious. Since the show, Ozzy, in typical rock star fashion, f*cked his hair stylist, leading him and Sharon to separate, then reconcile. then renew their vows. Ozzy, Kelly, and Jack all had issues with drugs and alcohol, and are all currently sober. Ozzy was recently hospitalized for complications from the flu, but is doing okay now. TBH, how is that man even alive?
Jack has two kids, deals with MS now (which is extremely sad), and is on a TV show I’ve literally never heard of with Ozzy called Ozzy & Jack’s World Detour. Apparently they go around the world and talk about history? That’s who I want as a history teacher, The Prince of Darkness that I can’t even f*cking understand. Kelly put down the eyeliner and has evolved into a TV personality, style icon, and a judge on Project Runway Junior. Sharon is a host on The Talk, which I can’t believe is still on.
‘The Girls Next Door’
The Girls Next Door was total trash, following Hugh Hefner’s current favorite girlfriends and their lives at the Playboy mansion. It was a lot of bikinis and photoshoots, from what I recall. The show originally starred Holly Madison, Bridget Marquardt, and Kendra Wilkinson. There were eventually replaced with even younger blonde versions for the final season. Anyway, all three OG girlfriends got their own spin-offs from this dumpster fire, so I guess it was a solid career move on their parts. Holly Madison was the “main” girlfriend, and later wrote a book (that I definitely read in college) exposing Hef’s abuse, the drugs, and the super creepy group sex with Hef. F*cking yikes. She is now married, has a kid named Rainbow (wtf), and had a Vegas burlesque show. Bridget Marquardt was always the one who seemed to be there for no reason, and she didn’t seem to know why she was there either. She’s now married and trying to get pregnant, so good for her. As for Kendra Wilkinson, her trash husband very publicly cheated on her in 2014 with a prostitute. They milked it heavily for their own reality spin-off, Kendra On Top, and later, Marriage Boot Camp. Shockingly, cheating men just need to be thrown away, and they couldn’t work it out. Their divorce became final last month. Kendra has recently been spotted with none other than THE CHAD from The Bachelor franchise. She really knows how to pick them.
‘A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila’
Why was everyone friends with Tila Tequila on Myspace before this show even happened? Like, what need did I have in my adolescence to be internet friends with random adult women? We all were friends with her and that one makeup artist chick whose name was like ForBIddEn (or something—what happened to her, did she die?). It was a weird time. Anyway, soon after, Tila got her own dating show, which was super groundbreaking because ~gasp~ Tila was bisexual. This was huge in the reality TV world, and therefore Tila was able to find the thirstiest people alive of both sexes for it. BTW, I have no memory of any of these contestants, but Wikipedia has a chart with why each one got eliminated, which is hysterical. After the show, Tila’s life went insane. She attempted suicide a few times, overdosed, did porn, claimed to have superpowers, decided she was an alien, became a Nazi, then claimed to be Hitler reincarnated, had a child, dressed that child up as Hitler, openly supported Trump, announced that the Earth was flat, said a bunch of more Nazi stuff, got into Satanic rituals, and then had another baby. So. She’s been busy. Also, someone please call CPS.
On Punk’d, Ashton Kutcher revealed that he wasn’t just attractive, but also super funny. I loved watching him make celebrities like Justin Timberlake or Frankie Muniz cry. Ashton had a slew of actors on the show that would help with pranks, but I remember Dax Shepard and Ryan Pinkston the most. As everyone knows, Ashton went on to have a continually successful acting career, and ended up marrying and having kids with his That ’70s Show love interest, Mila Kunis. Dax also became a successful actor and married the most adorable person and sloth lover in the world, Kristen Bell, and they have two kids. And tiny Ryan Pinkston was an extra one time on Hannah Montana and then faded into the abyss. So. Not as good as the other two. Apparently BJ Novak got his start on Punk’d too, yet I have no memory of him on it??? Anyway, everything also worked out from him, from his successful writing/acting career, The Office, and also possibly impregnating Mindy Kaling, whom I adore.
‘Viva La Bam’
This show was mostly skateboarding and pranks. I only watched because I thought Bam Margera was super hot, thus proving that I always had sh*t taste in men. He was borderline abusive to his parents and his uncle, but that part is actually fine in retrospect, as the uncle went on to be a f*cking pedophile. Bam also made a really big deal of his wedding to Missy Rothstein. It had its own MTV special called Bam’s Unholy Union. They divorced five years later due to Bam’s cheating, surprising no one. Since the show ended, Bam’s life has been a mess of DUIs, arrests, rehab, herpes, meltdowns, and public fights. Just last week, Bam was supposed to perform at a comedy club, but it got canceled because he got in a fight with his current wife. She stole his credit cards, he filmed a video calling her a “street ho”, and then he threatened his manager. He subsequently threw a tantrum because there weren’t enough people at his show, but it was several hours before it was supposed to start. The club canceled his gig, and as of yesterday, Bam is on his way to his third stint in rehab. Okay, see, this is exactly why I don’t date.
Images: MTV (3), Amazon, Giphy
So I know Gossip Girl ended *crying in the fetal position* over half a decade ago, but I’d be lying if I said I stopped watching after the truly horrific two hours that was the 2012 finale. Thank you Netflix for answering my prayers and giving us Nate Archibald back. Anyway, as excited as I was to rewatch the garbage that is the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite, I had a thought: watching Gossip Girl as a jaded, tax-paying adult is a different experience than watching it as a young, dumb eighth grader. So as I sit in my floor-length bathrobe in my
Upper East Side Murray Hill living room with a tall glass of pinot, I’ve learned something important about the show that I never noticed before: it is truly a terrible program full of unanswered questions. Like, a bunch of full-grown adult teenagers with Platinum cards are galavanting around Manhattan shopping for ballgowns, noshing on caviar at Michelin restaurants and sipping gin martinis in 5-star hotel bars alone??? I THINK NOT. The only realistic part of this show was that one time Serena ate yogurt. Honestly, like my GPA in college, Gossip Girl started off really strong and then plummeted towards its death as the seasons ticked on. But an addiction is an addition, so I rewatched the entire show despite it being pure trash and was inspired to launch an investigation into the unexplained plot holes of each season. Please see my findings below.
Ok I’m not breaking any glass ceilings here when I say the first season was the best one by a long shot (I am right about this, so don’t @ me). Need we remember that this season had 18 one-hour episodes, which is like a full lifetime in television years, so there was a lot of room for sh*t to go down? As I stated before, the series started off strong (minus the ungodly amount of shorts-with-tights combos), and almost convinced 14-year old me that this is what high school would be like. What a fat LOL I had rewatching this as a 25-year-old hermit and realizing that my high school experience was the literal opposite Gossip Girl. I digress. So season one was fire/amazing/perfection/educational/blessed until Georgina Sparks showed up and ruined everything for both the characters and myself. Georgina circa season one (and for like the entirety of the show) is enormous plot hole #1. This fully-functioning psychopath girl returned to New York with the sole purpose of blackmailing Serena into being friends with her (are you five years old?) by threatening to reveal Serena’s casual murder of her f*ck buddy/drug dealer/boyfriend. Relatable, right?! Ok so let’s unpack that. Serena is supposed to be 16 (lol, k), which means she was a 15-year old coke head murderess at the time of the incident? Again, relatable! So Serena obv doesn’t want to be friends with this crazy b*tch, so Georgina retaliates by outing S’s little brother as a proud gay man, taking on a new identity, stealing Serena’s boyfriend, acquiring roofies, and using said roofies to prevent Serena from taking the SATs. A little much for being ghosted by a former friend, if you ask me. If I put this much effort into destroying the lives of people who don’t want to be my friend because I secretly recorded their crimes, I would be on top of the world.
Season two spared no ridiculous plot lines to keep the absurdity of the first season alive, but of all the huge holes in this season, one took the cake: Nate and Duchess Catherine Beaton. Before I delve into everything wrong with the double felony that was this relationship, I just need to give some other moments of this season some much-deserved recognition, so here goes: the actual prospect of Blair and Serena getting into Yale, (I was a straight-A student with a 2200 SAT score and got flat out rejected from all of the Ivy League schools. I’m not bitter, you’re bitter.), Chuck casually purchasing a New York landmark as a 17-year-old, the Snowflake Ball and everything that happened in that episode, and Serena’s marriage to the Winklevoss twin Gabriel Edwards. Back to business…season two opens with a much-welcomed steamy scene of Nate and Catherine having foreplay in a car in broad daylight. K, same. First of all, where and how did these nymphos even meet? Secondly, I obviously understand Catherine’s obsession, as Nate is a hard 10, but he is also supposed to be 17 and she is supposed to be in her mid-40s. I know it’s 2018 and we are progressive and open-minded now, but gross? Lastly, this relationship was illegal in more ways than one and no one really talked about that. For starters, this was straight up statutory rape, which is just not a good activity to engage in ever. Additionally, Catherine was paying for the pleasure of Nate’s company, which, may I remind her, is also against the law. Except for Vanessa (and Blair, whose boy toy was Catherine’s stepson and sex slave) no one else really cared about this affair, which is shocking, considering that if this happened in real life, Nate would have to give his hard-earned cash to the feds and Catherine would be in jail. Side note: as truly perfect as Nate is, his love interests took a nose dive after he and Blair called it quits. Just saying.
I know season three was the one where literally nothing that occurred could have actually happened, but the biggest WTF of this season was how much Gossip Girl Dan Humphrey could pull. First, he dated Lizzie McGuire smoke show actress Olivia Burke. Then, before exclusively dating Vanessa, he had a threesome with them both in his dad’s apartment. No better way to decide who’s a better match than sleeping with both options at the same time, amirite? Then, in vintage Dan Humphrey fashion, he pathetically drags his dad bod back to Serena and she is kind of down for it. But she has to go to Paris for the entire summer before making a decision because that’s what you do the summer before college, I guess? I was a waitress in my hometown’s Le Pain Quotidien during this exploratory summer, but whatever.
Even though season four was the one where Jenny went from being girl-next-door who sewed her own disaster outfits to a full-blown crypt keeper, her transgressions were not the biggest plot confusion of the season. I know I said I would only pick the absolute best plot hole per season, but this one has too many to choose only one, so I chose two. Sue me. The first is Chuck’s double life as a peasant living in France and shacking up with
Fleur Delacour Eva. Let’s not forget that this sad new life of his was provoked by his on-again-off-again high school hookup thank u, next-ing him. Moving to Paris and assuming a new identity as a pauper just seems like a tad overdramatic, no? Ok the second just as questionable moment in this season is Serena’s relationship with Ben. Who? Ben, you know, the teacher she allegedly had an affair with when she was a student at the boarding school where he taught and soon thereafter said affair was appropriately arrested, arraigned, and convicted. Yeah, I watch Law & Order. Ok so their blast from the past is weird enough, but once Serena frees him from the state penitentiary, they immediately start dating. Like literally the same day. I can’t even get my booty call to text me back before 2am, and she can get a hot older dude to exclusively date her after she basically threw him in prison for a very serious crime he didn’t commit? I get she’s a regulation hottie and can get a reservation at Carbone night-of, but really Ben?
Blair is my favorite and the betchiest Gossip Girl character, so she deserves a spotlight (for once in her life) on this list. Ok so in season five, Blair is engaged to the Prince of Monaco because of course and later becomes pregnant with his child. Glad to know that premarital sex is officially on the table now that royals are participating. Anyway, what’s the rush B? When I was 21, I was super into my college boyfriend and wanted to spend every waking second in his bunkbed at his frat house, but I was definitely not trying to marry him and bear his children. Also, is the CW really trying to tell me that Park Ave Princess Blair Waldorf isn’t on any form of birth control and prefers to raw dog it than be safe? Sorry that was gross, but just trying to make a point here. Lastly, I know this pregnancy wasn’t planned, but she took longer to forgive Jenny for banging Chuck than she did to get over her miscarriage. Everyone grieves in their own way, blah blah blah, but still, have a heart Blair.
Ah, the final season of this six year ego-stroking blab fest. I know everyone is expecting this season’s curveball to be Dan as Gossip Girl, but I’m wild and unpredictable, so I am not going to go with the plot line that the writers came up with the night they experimented with drugs. But my final roast is about Dan, who spent this season as one of Vanity Fair’s most successful contributors. I am a writer and I got laughed at when I applied for a f*cking unpaid internship at Vanity Fair. Again, I digress. So the second to last scene of this soap opera show is Dan and Serena’s wedding. No. NOOOOOO. Serena, why? Not that marriage means anything to anyone (hi Lily’s six divorces, Rufus’ two divorces and Serena’s annulment). So many things were wrong with this wedding, aside from the fact that it even happened at all. First, Serena van der Woodsen would never get married in her best friend’s apartment. She wouldn’t even get married in her own apartment. It’s a beach wedding in St. Barth’s or bust, okay, plebeians? The moral of the story is that no wedding should ever take place in an apartment. Secondly, this dress looks like a Project Runway challenge gone wrong, and I personally believe that U.S. Americans such as Serena van der Woodsen wouldn’t be caught dead in a gown that had any trace of metallic whatsoever. But back to Dan. Everything that happened to him from the moment he had that awkward encounter with Chuck and Nate on the bus (why were Chuck and Nate on a bus? I don’t even take the bus) makes zero sense. Speaking of Consuelo, I don’t understand how every character on this show isn’t in jail or dead. I saw Serena drink three cups of pure absinthe as a 15-year-old and she lived to narrate the flashback.
But I don’t want to end this roast on a negative note, so I would like to commend the only team who truly did its job on this show, the costume designers. Y’all killed it and I would like the tear sheets of every outfit Blair wore. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Images: The CW; Giphy (3)
Growing up there was literally no better time to be alive because the teen dramas were fire during those days. Any show that involved hot half-brothers duking it out on the basketball court or hot vampire brothers brooding over high school girls was my freaking catnip. I learned some v important lessons from those shows too. Like, if you gave your virginity to your vampire boyfriend he might lose his soul, terrorize your friends and family, and try to end the world. Subtle abstinence messages are fun. I also learned that 16-year-olds living in the Upper East Side have more money, sex, and better taste in clothes than I do as an adult. See? V important lessons here. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from avoiding human interaction in favor of watching trash television, it’s how to spot a heartthrob. Spoiler: he’s probably blond, in tune with your emotions, and wearing enough hair gel to grease a Slip ‘N Slide. Your high school self swooned over these losers, but now as
someone who has been on Tinder an adult you see things more clearly because more often than not, the self-proclaimed heartthrob is actually the fucking worst. And because I have nothing better to do with my time than to analyze fictional people, I’ve taken it upon myself to list out every TV heartthrob you totally crushed on but who was really Satan disguised as a Tiger Beat cover model.
Side note: if it feels like I’m coming for every show The CW has ever produced that’s because I absolutely am. Now, let’s bring on the
men society deems sexually desirable for young women heartthrobs.
1. Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill
I should have known I would hate Lucas Scott the second they cast Chad Michael Murray to play his character but I was deluded for two or three seasons and actually thought he was a good guy at first. I mean I was, like, 10 when the show first aired so give me a fucking break. My first point of contention with Lucas is that he said “I love you” to legit anyone with two working legs and a vagina. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time Lucas told some emotionally fragile girl that he loved her I would have enough money to fund my own Clothes Over Bros clothing line. And, Lucas, consider yourself lucky that I was not one of those girls because I would have set you on fire if I found you sucking face with Peyton during the school shooting two episodes after professing your love for me. NOPE. Second, if we strip away his good looks and his basketball skills (did he have any?), he’s just a weirdo who writes in a sad, handwritten book. Like, we get it, you’re an artist trying to get laid. Honestly, he’d probs do well on Tinder. His talents were def wasted at Tree Hill.
^100 percent an excerpt from his Tinder bio, also what does this even mean
2. Nate Archibald, Gossip Girl
Tbh I was never a huge fan of Nate. I was into Dan because he was a writer living in Brooklyn and I’ll always have a soft spot for
dudes who are probably unemployed artists, and also Chuck Bass because he looked like he would fuck you up emotionally and I’m here for it. But Nate was just kind of there. He wasn’t particularly misunderstood or a giant piece of shit that kinda turned you on and made you reconsider whether you have daddy issues. He was just a really pretty face. I mean, really pretty. Plus all he ever did was hook up the wrong girl at the wrong time and fuck up everyone’s shit. Whatever. I guess if this were real life I’d totally give his trust fund him a chance.
I, mean, that head nod says it ALL.
3. Dawson Leery, Dawson’s Creek
Before there was Lucas Scott there was
the reason I suffer from rage blackouts Dawson and his fucking creek. I never really liked this show, but my best friend was obsessed with Dawson because he was cute, had zero control over his emotions, and was more sensitive than me on my period. In hindsight, perhaps I should have given him more of a chance? Whatever. Dawson was v dramatic and always crying about something and everyone knows I can’t with feelings. If Dawson were a real human he’d be the guy who texts you only in emojis and cries after the first time you have sex. Yeah, that’s a hard pass for me.
4. Riley Finn, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
You probs don’t remember Riley because he was
a waste of space Buffy’s college boyfriend and she only made it to, like, sophomore year before she died over the summer and decided not to go back to college when she was resurrected so she could hate-fuck Spike instead. Happens to the best of us, Buff! But Riley was the fucking worst. To this day I will never understand what Buffy saw in him. I mean, he looked like a Dillard’s catalogue model and had the personality of the department store clothing. The only thing interesting that ever happened to him was when he got addicted to vampires biting him and that was really more sad and pathetic than interesting. People loved him because he was human and Buffy had, like, a healthy and mature relationship with him (gross), but I hated him and his fugly turtlenecks with every fiber of my being. He was clearly a rebound after Buffy’s platinum vagine made Angel lose his damn mind and try to destroy the world. And I’m sorry but, Riley, would you risk your soul to be with Buffy? Would you get a soul to be with Buffy? No? Then get in line behind peroxide boy and the reason I have unrealistic expectations of love Angel. BYE.
Do you think YOU have a shot with her? Get outta here!
5. Logan Huntzberger, Gilmore Girls
I kind of hate myself for saying this because if Rory can’t be with Jess then I am 100 percent Team Logan, but Logan kind of sucks. He’s like every rich frat bro I’ve ever dated. One second he’s inviting you on his dad’s boat and the next second he’s taking some no-name freshman to his formal instead of you. Like, what? I have whiplash. I didn’t mind him so much when Rory dated him in college. I, mean, sure he kind of derailed her life and made her contemplate dropping out of college for a minute there, but what college fuckboy hasn’t done that a time or two?? Where he really lost points with me was in the revival. He was hooking up with Rory but also engaged to some other girl and flying Rory out TO LONDON whenever his dick started to get hard and that just did not sit right with me. Like, that shit was cute in college similar to how drinking Natty Lite out of a semi-warm keg and slurping alcohol from a frozen structure was also cute in college. Grow up, kid.
6. Stefan Salvatore, The Vampire Diaries
The Vampire Diaries was one of my favorite shows in high school because there’s nothing I love more than to turn up on a Thursday and watch an hour of broody vampire teen drama. Clearly I have a lot going on in my life. Clearly. Anyway, it starred Nina Dobrev, aka Degrassi’s 13-year-old-teen-mom-turned-fashion-model Mia Jones, who played boring nice girl Elena and was about the two ridiculously attractive vampires who had nothing better to do with their immortal lives than to fight over some small-town high school girl. Tbh I was all for Stefan for about two episodes. He was the right amount of broody, mysterious, and cocky. And then they brought Damon out, a character who mind-controlled high school cheerleaders into having crazy sex with him but like, you were kinda into it, and you wanted to laugh at Stefan and his overly coiffed hair. The first three seasons Stefan acted like he was hot shit while Elena tried not to eye-fuck his brother at the dinner table. Like, Stefan, you’ve been alive for 200 years, seen the rise and fall of multiple societies, but you can’t see when a girl would rather fuck your brother? Come onnn. Sorry, Stefan, go back to brooding in your fitted tees.
7. Max Evans, Roswell
First, if you haven’t watched Roswell yet, then you absolutely can’t sit with me. That show is the reason I know where Arizona is on a map and also why I pray there’s life on other planets. As long as alien life forms look like Max Evans and Michael Guerin then I will gladly let them invade
my bedroom Earth. Plus it features Katherine Heigl before she became the bitchiest actress in Hollywood and Shiri Appleby before she started ruining people’s lives on UnReal. ANYWAY, Max Evans, a teenage alien with permanent sad eyes and a penchant for cargo pants, was the star of this show and also the resident fuckboy heartthrob. And while many would argue that Max was brooding and mysterious and selfless, I would argue that he was the fucking worst. Season one he was fine, just a little too moody and “I hold the fate of the galaxy in my hands” for my taste but, whatever, he gave Shiri Appleby an orgasm “visions of constellations” (lol) by just, like, breathing on her so I was into it. But then he fucked the new girl in season two and got her pregnant with his alien spawn and it all went downhill from there. I don’t stand for cheaters, even if you were tricked into it by an alien seductress. I was rooting for you, Max. We were all rooting for you!