In honor of Jennifer Aniston’s upcoming birthday, I’m here to celebrate one of TV’s betchiest characters: Rachel Green. If you have any idea what you’re doing in life, you watched Friends and immediately knew several things: you are the Rachel of your friend group; there’s no way she actually cut her father’s credit card in half; and she absolutely could have done better than Ross (or, like, at least gotten someone richer). That being said, Rachel dates who she wants, and I’m not here to make judgments on a certified player. I am here, however, to judge the caliber of the men she dated. Here’s a ranking of Rachel Green’s boyfriends from worst to best.
In Rachel’s defense, Barry was her fiancé before she really became Rachel (aka left the suburbs, got a job, and learned what rent is—all of which sucks but really frees up your dating options). Barry was short, sweaty, and a cheater, among other flaws like dipping his hands in children’s spit as a profession. (Picture the average day of an orthodontist and tell me I’m wrong.) Zero stars for Barry, one million stars for Rachel for figuring out that he looks like Mr. Potatohead and getting TF out.
Paolo is unfortunate, but forgivable. Rachel is still highly impressionable and new to the city when she encounters Paolo, and it’s easy to confuse a foreign accent for true love. (No? Tell that to the string of exchange students you hooked up with your freshman year of college). Of course, Rachel eventually figures out that he’s not all that into her when he grabs Phoebe’s ass, and she promptly ends her annoying but obligatory Foreign Boyfriend phase. Also, does anyone else think he definitely spoke English and was trolling all of them?
Danny, the downstairs neighbor Rachel mistakes for a Yeti (I love this show), is cuter than Barry but just as weird. Once Rachel discovers that he’s cute under the beard, she demonstrates her interest by talking about Danny’s giant, obvious crush on her every time he leaves the room. Since he largely ignores her, this is great insight into Rachel’s worldview. Ultimately, though, Danny was already sus for not asking her out and only got more so when he started wrestling with his half-naked sister. Ew.
Joshua, the recently divorced client whom Rachel hooks up with a new wardrobe, was good on paper but that’s about it. He takes forever to ask Rachel out, then handles her Ross-induced crazy with all the humor and emotional depth of a paper towel (I’m not saying he should have married her, but he clearly couldn’t keep up with her). There’s not a single moment where Joshua thinks to himself, “Hey, how would an adult man handle this?” and that includes when Rachel goes to dinner with his parents wearing nothing but lingerie.
I’ve never totally understood the raging Joey v. Ross controversy. They offer two completely different things, and if this show were set in present day then Rachel would be dating them both at the same time and thriving. As two conventionally hot people who have never let intellectual standards hold them back from proving that they’re cooler than you, it was inevitable that Rachel and Joey would hook up at some point, and just as inevitable that they would recognize they’re better off as friends. Joey was an itch Rachel needed to scratch, and my only regret is that it turned into a tortured love story rather than a series of drunken one-night stands.
Paul initially seems like the best catch Rachel’s ever landed. He’s hot (young Bruce Willis, who knew), he’s a lawyer, and he’s excellent at making fun of Ross. But because Rachel is used to dating
whiny little girls Ross, she pushes him to open up about his emotions. She’s hit with a tidal wave of tears and very unsexy childhood grievances, and discovers a sad truth. Behind most “strong and silent” types, there is a screaming baby who will expect you to fix him. Rachel isn’t on board and jumps ship back to the Ross type: guys whose neuroses are right on the surface.
Honestly, I wanted to put Tag as #1, but he has to be demoted for the fact that Rachel can’t remember his last name a year later. For those of you blasphemous enough to forget, Tag is the uber-adorable assistant Rachel hooks up with and proceeds to dump because she’s turning 30 and needs to focus on a long-term plan, which I guess never involved him. Is he a little simple? Sure. But is he also sweet, devoted, and an endless supply of eye candy? YES. Again, a more modern Friends would have let Rachel freeze her eggs, focus on her love of fashion, and live happily ever after with Tag the house husband.
While Ross’s paranoia knows no bounds, he was actually dead-on with his Gavin suspicions and should have been afraid. Gavin was sexy, charming, shared Rachel’s interests, and handled himself with confidence. Even though Rachel’s first impression here was yelling at Gavin for “stealing her job,” he doesn’t let her failure to understand how companies work, or the father of her child standing next to her, prevent him from forming a crush on her and pursuing her—proving he has good taste and the game to back it up. Gavin would have pushed Rachel to become the best version of herself, starting with that job in Paris.
I know. I came in heavy with the Ross hate and I stand by it, but this is a list of Rachel’s best love interests, and Rachel ultimately gets to decide. In her defense, Ross did have almost a solid decade of crushing on Rachel before they ever got together. It’s hard to find that kind of devotion somewhere else. For this reason, he can never be accused of not knowing what he has in Rachel. (Though obviously, he handles every chance with her terribly.) Ultimately, their new parent moments later on are undeniably cute, and they do kind of improve each other. AKA Rachel becomes more responsible and Ross becomes less of a loser. If Rachel’s happy, I’m happy.
That’s it for me—happy birthday again to the incomparable Jennifer Aniston. May we continue reading fictional accounts of your reunion with Brad Pitt for years to come.
Images: Netflix; Giphy (9)
If there’s any television character whose wardrobe can totally stand the rest of time, it’s Rachel Green from Friends. I mean, that’s probably because she’s played by Jennifer Aniston, who is totally the most perfect human in the history of mankind (aside from Beyoncé, don’t kill me, Amen). Betches all over the world have been trying to emulate Jen’s style since 1994, and that’s probably never going to change. Here are five of Rachel’s iconic outfits you can totally steal in 2018.
1. Not-So Slutty School Girl
This Rach look is the perfect inspo for when you desperately need to switch up your winter wardrobe. Pair a simple, thin turtleneck with a plaid skirt, which should be really easy because plaid skirts are totally having a moment right now. ASOS has like, a million variations of plaid skirts, so it’s up to you how 90s-inspired you want to get with this look. If you want to stick with something classic, try something pleated. If you’d rather wear something that screams 2018, try a wrap skirt. And of course, if you’re looking for something risqué but not too obviously thirst-trappy for your next Tinder pic, go for a skirt that screams “I’m def not wearing underwear with this.”
Items to buy: ASOS Tailored Pleated Pink and Black Check Mini Skirt; Missguided Check Frayed Hem Wrap Mini Skirt; PrettyLittleThing Check Skirt with Lace Up Detail; Madewell Inland Turtleneck Sweater
2. 90s Flamenca Girl Emoji
If you’re trying to pull off a red mini dress with a straight neckline and spaghetti straps, make sure to look for one that’s definitely fitted, but not like, a skin tight bodycon dress. We’re going for Rachel Green here, not a pre-sex tape Kim Kardashian. Oh, and here’s a gold choker that’s as close to Rachel’s as you’re going to get without a time machine and her dad’s credit card.
Items to buy: Urban Outfitters Val Straight-Neck Satin Mini Dress; Gorjana Newport Link Choker
Vintage Levi’s are one of the most foolproof ways to channel your inner Rachel Green. However, vintage Levi’s are usually at least twice the price of regular Levi’s, and three times as likely to have been worn by someone who did some questionable shit in the 90s. Plus, these new Levi’s are made with stretchy material, so you can actually sit down and eat Chipotle in them. I know, I know. I’m solving all of the world’s most pressing issues here. You’re so welcome. Pair with a plain top and a matching scrunchie if you want to look cute enough to pull Joey Tribbiani.
Items to buy: Levi’s Mile High Super Skinny; Urban Outfitters Velvet Hair Scrunchie
4. 90s Farmer Chic
Overalls are so 90s. In the same way that high school kids are going to wear neon off-the-shoulder tops to 80s day during spirit week for the rest of eternity, people are going to be rocking overalls to 90s themed events. From personal experience, I can tell you that a pair of slightly loose (not baggy or skin tight) overall shorts probably do not exist. I’ve tried on like, a million pairs, and after looking ridiculous in every single one, I’ve come to the conclusion that buying a pair of traditional overalls and cutting them yourself is the best move. That’s probably what Rachel (aka the Friends wardrobe intern) did, anyway. For this look, Rachel chose to throw on some sort of button down shirt-jacket hybrid that could only be pulled off by a TV character played by Jennifer Aniston. I wouldn’t advise buying one of these because it’s actually pretty fugly. Just like, raid your dad’s closet next time you go home, or something.
Item to buy: Cheap Monday 90s Style Overall
5. Central Perk Barista
When Friends hit Netflix a few years ago and people started bingeing it from start to finish instead of having to wait for weekly episodes like fucking cavemen, someone noticed that Rachel is actually wearing a uniform in the early seasons of the show when she’s working at Central Perk. The uniform is a denim top with black bottoms, which is super easy to recreate. Just pair an oversized denim shirt with a white lace bralette and a classic black skirt.
Items to buy: Vintage Oversized Denim Button-Down Shirt; Out From Under Lace Halter Bra; ASOS Denim Original High Waisted Skirt in Washed Black
When in doubt, just remember that Rachel’s style is classic and pretty basic. Stick to brands that were big in the 90s, like Calvin Klein, Tommy Hilfiger, and Ralph Lauren, or brands that basically live to rip off those styles, like Brandy Melville and Urban Outfitters.
If you were a child in 90s, hell if you were ever a child at all, you were fucking obsessed with Disney princesses. They’re beautiful. They’re rich. They’re in love. Some of them are kinda smart. Everything young betches dream of growing up to be. But that was like, 20 years ago. What tf are all these princesses doing now? If I had to guess, they’re probs drunk fighting at a charity auction or dinner party, a lot like the Real Housewives. I feel like Snow White would be a total lush these days.
Instead of you spending hours trying to decipher which princess grew up to be which wife, we’ve done it for you. They even have their own taglines. You’re welcome.
Cinderella aka Nene Leakes
Why: While Cinderella was at her stepmom’s house doing a shit ton of chores, Nene was on the pole, stripping for a dollar. Sure, it started out a little rough but look at them now. Nene’s starred in a handful of TV and Broadway shows, and Cinderella is hands down the most famous of all the princesses. Started from the bottom, now we’re here.
Tagline: Whoever said diamonds were a girl’s best friend never owned a pair of glass Louboutins.
Snow White aka Erika Jayne
Why: A lot like Erika Jayne, Snow White doesn’t go anywhere without her squad. The dwarves may spend their days mining and tidying the house, but by night, they’re a full-on glam team that helps keep Snow looking fierce. If Erika Jayne will fly her posse of stylists and makeup artists to Dubai for a girls trip, you can bet Snow, an heiress to the thrown for Christ’s sake, would do the same.
Tagline: I’ll eat apples, but I prefer Champagne.
Belle aka Heather Dubrow
Why: Heather’s castmates constantly make fun of her for being “fancy pants,” which in OC terms means you have class. Belle goes through the same thing in her hometown, where all the locals think she’s a fucking weirdo because she likes books and wants to build The Belle Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. Both Belle and Heather are also fans of diamonds in the rough when it comes to men. Belle’s bf was a hairy beast when they first met, but after a few weeks with Belle, he turned into a really hot prince. Terry Dubrow, on the other hand, was probs a total nerd, but now he’s like, the world’s richest plastic surgeon. And Belle and Heather look exactly alike. This one was easy af.
Tagline: They say behind every good man there’s a great woman. Behind a great man there’s me.
Jasmine aka Lisa Vanderpump
Why: Out of all the princesses Jasmine seems the richest. Probs because she’s a Middle Eastern princess and that oil money is no fucking joke. Why does this make her like Lisa Vanderpump? Because LVP has more money than God and Donald Trump combined, that’s why. Jasmine also has a pet tiger, and with all of Lisa’s swans and miniature horses and shit, it’s only a matter of time before a deadly, endangered cat is added to the mix.
Tagline: Pet tigers and magic carpet rides might seem extravagant, but that’s just me living my truth.
Ariel aka Tamra Judge
Why: In the past couple seasons, Tamra has gotten annoying AF about health and exercise. She opened a gym, won’t shut up about working out and even competes in fitness contests. Lol, k. While Ariel hasn’t hit the competition circuit quite yet, she does insist on wearing a bathing suit all fucking day to show off her perfect bod. She’s the princess you don’t wanna eat pizza around.
Tagline: If you think my life is easy, try swimming a mile in my shell bikini.
Pocahontas aka Bethenny Frankel
Why: Both Pocahontas and Bethenny are boss-ass bitches who know how to get what they want. If Bethenny thinks you’re being a hoe and wants to let you know about it in the Berkshires, she’ll do it. If Pocahontas wants to hook up with a English dude even though his friends are trying to kill her family and her dad said not to, she’ll do it. Plus, they both have huge boobs for how skinny they are. Lucky betches.
Tagline: Paint me in whatever light you want. I’ll just keep painting with all the colors of the wind.
Aurora aka Melissa Gorga
Why: This season, Melissa decided she wanted to open a clothing boutique despite the fact that she has no design and/or business experience whatsoever. #HousewivesProbs. Aurora tried to do the same thing once but ended up pricking her finger on a spindle because she didn’t know how to use it. She was so embarrassed, she blamed the whole thing on Maleficent and played the damsel card so her fuckboy would finally commit. Speaking of fuckboys. Sounds a lot like Melissa’s husband, Joe.
Tagline: I used to sleep through life. Now I’m living the dream.
Mulan aka Teresa Giudice
Why: Back in the day, it was illegal for women in China to fight for their country. Seems archaic and stupid, but it was the law. A law Mulan broke and got caught for. Same shit happened to Teresa. The big difference is Mulan ended up getting pardoned because she saved the entire country from Shan Yu and the Huns, while Teresa ended up doing hard time. Either way, they both brought dishonor to the family.
Tagline: If an avalanche can’t take me down, what makes you think you can?
Rapunzel aka Kyle Richards
Why: The hair. There is no other reason because no other reason is needed.
Tagline: If you’re jealous of my castle, just wait till you see my hair.
Tiana aka Kandi Burruss
Why: In a world of housewives who think they have vocal talent, Kandi is actually a really amazing singer and songwriter. All the princesses are pretty good. It’s part of the job. But Tiana wipes the floor with all of them when it comes to carrying a tune. Sorry, Cinderella. Kandi and Tiana also seem to be in semi-healthy relationships. Unlike some of her fellow princesses, Tiana took the time to get to know and fall in love with Naveen before, ya know, committing her whole fucking life to him. Kandi and her bae, Todd, seem pretty normal by Bravo standards.
Tagline: I was a girl then I was a frog and now I’m a princess. What I’ll be next is anybody’s guess.
Elsa aka Carole Radziwill
Why: We call them all Disney princesses, but that’s not 100% true because Elsa isn’t a princess. She’s a fucking snow queen. Carole can relate because she’s not just rich and successful like her fellow wives. Her late husband was a Polish prince and nephew to JFK and Jackie, so like, kind of a BFD. Carole is the closest thing to monarchy New York has (sorry, Anna Wintour. You’re not royalty) and Manhattan is cold af.
Tagline: Some people will tell you I’m a cold-hearted bitch. You should listen.
When it comes to Friends, I was definitely a late bloomer. I only just watched the entire series this past year on Netflix. IDK, my parents repressed me as a kid, what can I say? So I’m not going to be one of those people who pretends to know everything there is to know about Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel. But like, I know things. Or at least, I thought I did until I read about this Friends fan theory about Monica and Joey. This fan theory comes from us courtesy of, where else, Reddit. It was posted like, a year ago to the r/fantheories subreddit (of course there is a fan theories subreddit), but in my defense I only saw Brobible post about it yesterday. No, I cannot in good conscience answer what I was doing on Brobible, but I can tell you I immediately took 12 consecutive showers afterwards.
If you’ve ever wondered WTF Joey does all day and how he manages to be an adult who doesn’t live under the care of his parents or a legally appointed guardian when he acts borderline mentally handicapped, or why Monica acts so crazy all the time and why she doesn’t let Chandler into the closet by the big windows, buckle the fuck up because this theory might explain everything. Straight from Reddit user lolalodge, here we go.
“Alright, so Monica is a restaurant chef, usually a Sous Chef or even head chef most of the time in some rather high end restaurants in NYC. First, most people that work in the restaurant industry tend to gravitate towards some sort of substance since the job is very high stress. But that’s not even my reasoning. See, head chefs and sous chefs in high end restaurants in NYC tend to get paid a lot, like $50-$100 dollars an hour a lot. Monica also lives in a rent controlled apartment that she illegally sublets from her dead grandmother, she even has a roommate to share the bills with. She doesn’t own an obscene amount of clothes or anything, doesn’t go out to bars regularly, so where exactly does her money go?”
Well, first of all, if restaurants and sous chefs today make $50-100 an hour, you’d have to adjust for what they would have been making back in the 90s. But that’s a good point; I never thought about it. On the one hand, Monica seems like the kind of obsessive saver who could retire by age 30 because she’s been putting money into her 401k since she was 11. On the other hand, she probably also spends a lot of cleaning products. But those explanations don’t come close to the theory, which is, wait for it:
“Cocaine, which she stashes in the closet by the big windows, which is why when Chandler opens it in the last season, she flips out because she doesn’t want him to find her cocaine stash. It also explains why Monica is so high energy and high strung. Monica doing cocaine also explains her rapid weight loss back when she was a teenager.”
Wow. Game, set, and that’s match. I can definitely see this. This explains so much. Maybe that’s why Monica likes everything so clean—she doesn’t want anyone to know about her habit. And it’s why she’s always yelling. Wow, everything makes sense. I am shooketh.
But that’s not all. The theory continues, “As for Joey, Joey pretty much smokes weed all day. That’s why he’s always hungry, can eat a ton of food and is constantly napping and is kind of spaced out and a lot of what other people say goes ‘whoosh’ right over his head.”
Okay, I mean, this is less shocking because this is obvious and I feel like Joey was purposefully written this way to kind of allude to this possibility. But also, to quote the Queen Mona Lisa Vito, this theory does not hold water. Number one, eating a ton of food, constantly napping, and being kind of spaced out are literally my M.O. and I don’t even like weed. Show me someone who fits those criteria and I’ll show you your average millennial. Also, and more importantly, Joey like, doesn’t work. Sure, he had that Dr. Drake Ramoray money, but is he really living off that money if he can’t even afford to pay for half of a new fridge? Or like, his share of rent for a significant portion of the show? If there’s a weed man in NYC who’s handing out free weed to the poor, even if he’s fictional, kindly let me know his name and contact information. I know I said I don’t like weed, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have friends.
In conclusion, Monica was definitely a coke fiend, and Joey is just the OG millennial. Honestly, Rachel probably did coke too, working in fashion. And Ross too, now that I think about it—it would explain why he became so erratic towards the end and always blew up other nothing. Fuck it, they were all probably on coke; this show was set in Manhattan in the 90s. Except Phoebe—she was definitely on some harder shit.
Since betches are always in high demand, over time the world has gradually created new portals through which we can be reached. Whether your computer-generated choice of communication is Ichat, Gchat, Facebook chat, or screaming through your hallway, the days of AOL instant messenger will always have a place in our hearts. This week we’re taking a few minutes to reflect on the days of screen names, profiles, away messages, and most of all, the premiere method of cyber shit talking of the 21st century.
As a tween choosing the perfect screen name was the hardest decision you had to make next to picking the venue of your your 12th birthday party and contemplating if it was normal that the boy with whom you shared your first kiss had a gigantic boner. This task was a delicate one, and as a betch-in-training you weren’t about to associate yourself with something infantile like jenna412 or kimberly89. Amateurs. This was your SCREEN NAME, your online nameplate. This wasn’t the time to fuck around. You already had a host of monogrammed jewelry so this was an opportunity to get creative. Had curly hair? Curlgurl97. Loved tennis? SGtennis810. Thought you were too good for everyone? AP2good4u.
Everyone knew that you were only as cool as the number of buddies on your buddy list. Ew, you have 55 total? I have more than 100 JUST on my BFFAE group list. Organizing your friends into categories and arranging them in the order of most liked to least was the only way betches knew how to use AIM. You have your camp besties, then your school besties, then the randos you met in Mexico. Place them in the wrong group and risk confusion as to why this boy whose SN was in group camp bffles was asking you to send him the picture of you two sharing a piña colada while getting your hair braided.
Let’s talk about AIM linguistics. When your bestie shot you one too many “ct”s you knew the bitch was pissed. WHY ARE YOU ONLINE IF YOU CAN’T TALK?! The abbrev LOL being used to actually mean something was funny brings us back to a time when the world was a simple place and an ‘nm u‘ was all you needed to catch up with your crew.
But more often than not, you pretty much knew everyone who was on your BL, not because you guys were so close, but because over time you became very familiar with their AIM profiles. Yes, we’re bringing back the profile. Remember how important it was to update this weekly if not daily? Your substitute teacher just sang “Who Let the Dogs Out” in the middle of class? OMG that has to go in my profile. English class period 6 LOLZ. Your BFF Sam tried to ask your science teacher when the test and the practical were but instead asked “Mrs. Gordon, when is the testicle?” Now that’s going in my profile. LOLZ Sammyy <3.
Of course after the 15-20 bulleted point list of HILARIOUS inside jokes, it was absolutely necessary to insert a very lighthearted and age-appropriate lyrical quote about love. Common ones included, “My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. So won’t you kill me, so I die happy” and of course, “And will you tell all your friends you’ve got your gun to my head. This all was only wishful thinking, this all was only wishful thinking. ” If you did not have a boyfriend at the time, it was still socially acceptable and most of the time encouraged to choose quotes that showed you are vulnerable and had the slightest clue what the fuck these songs were about and yet had only a slightly suicidal vibe.
However, if you did have a boyfriend or were with a guy who you wanted to date, there was nothing you looked forward to more—besides next spring’s collection of SoLow—than putting your boyfriend‘s name, in pink, with a heart, your anniversary date, and a few tildes, at the bottom of your profile. ~~ Bryan <3 2/14/03 ~~ Sure, after seeing this at the bottom of your Info someone could potentially confuse this sign of affection for a declaration of death, but who gives a shit? You’re the one with a boy’s name on your profile. Omg BRYAN’S DEAD!? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?
And of course we can’t forget to mention Picture Trails. Before Facebook, betches needed a place to upload their pictures so that all their friends’ friends could see how much of an amazing time we always had at camp, school, and vaca. We also can’t forget to take this last second to delve into the most amazing thing since Twitter, the away message.
Whether you were stepping away from your computer just to go downstairs, pretending like you had other things to do than sit at your computer, or were trying to ignore someone, you would always put up an away message. Because you spent your days after school on AIM checking and rechecking the away message of every single one of your buddies, drafting the perfect away message was a high-skilled craft at which the only smartest of betches excelled. Feeling melancholy? Throw in any quote from Simple Plan and/or the Titanic. Only stepping away for a second and don’t want your crush to think you left? Brb. Have to shit really bad? Out to lunch!
But remember betches, technology always changes but the game stays the same. Just like with texting or friending, true betches were never the IMers, they were always the IMed. And everyone knows MSN was for fatties and foreigners.
In case you haven’t noticed, Hollywood isn’t that good at coming up with new ideas. Right now, we’re deep in a trend of rebooting all the best shows from the ‘90s, which we have mixed feelings about. Like, yeah it’s fun to relive our childhood, but it’s a little much. But the newest reboot is one we can definitely get behind: Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
First, and most importantly, there will be no Melissa Joan Hart. As sad as it makes us, Sabrina will still be a teenage witch, and Melissa is in her 40s. Sorry sweetie, maybe next time. In fact, it sounds like the new show will be taken in a much darker direction, focusing on Sabrina’s struggles against the evil that threatens her and everyone around her. Does this mean no talking cat? Because we’re very emotionally attached to Salem.
The show is being produced by the same team as the new Riverdale, which makes sense because Sabrina was originally a character in the same comic world as Archie (who knew?). Also, that means there are totally going to be crossover episodes between the two shows. It’s no Grey’s Anatomy/Private Practice, but we’ll take what we can get around here.
We really hope the producers get this one right, so basically just don’t cast Bella Thorne as Sabrina. That’s all we ask. It sounds like the show is still in the preliminary phases, so it could be a while before you’re bingeing it in bed, but it’s coming down the pipeline sooner or later.
The late 90s was a weird time. Nobody really had a cell phone. We were all legitimately worried that the world would explode or whatever the fuck when the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2000. Mean Girls didn’t exist yet. Weirdest of all was the music at the time, and none of it was weirder than 1999’s “The Thong Song” by Sisqo. The music video is, unequivocally, the most 1999 thing to ever exist—the quaint idea that guys secretly talk about underwear, the hotdog-as-a-dick visual metaphor, the vaguely Asian iconography, the censoring of the word “breasts,” etc.—and it was all delivered by a strange little man with platinum hair and Air Force Ones doing gymnastics at the beach. And it worked! It was a legitimate, nation-wide phenomenon. Your mom probably hummed it while she folded laundry. I knew every fucking move in that dance break (I was, and remain, almost cripplingly cool).
It’s the kind of thing that doesn’t age well, and isn’t really something you can explain to subsequent generations—it’s you, sitting in the backseat while your dad belts out Billy Joel classics, and saying “ew dad, people actually liked this when you were young?” I don’t hate it even 18 years later, but it’s not a “good” song. It’s a relic best left in its era, only to be dusted off for get togethers with my old-ass friends and 90s/2000s-themed frat parties.
That’s why it’s weird as all hell that, for whatever reason, someone named JCY decided now was the time to “bring back” “The Thong Song,” only with a KEWL NEW VIBE for the MILLENNIULZ:
This, objectively, is a piece of shit. It rips out everything that gave the original what modicum of charm it had (the strings, Sisqo’s vocals) and kept everything that made it stupid (the verses are still identical, Sisqo is old and can’t sing or dance anymore). The women in the video don’t even have good thong butts!
As far as the new track, Buzzfeed (because they are and will forever be the most stupid goddamn destination on the internet) says it “feels VERY 2017,” which almost made me spit out my cold brew. This is terrible EDM, so bad it makes the Chainsmokers sound like fucking Bob Dylan by comparison. On top of that, I can think of, oh, a dozen songs right now that better exemplify today’s sound than this transistor radio recording of wet fart sounds. The only thing that’s “VERY 2017” about it is that, versus the 1999 version, everyone in the video is whiter.
Don’t let people do this shit. We all have things from our childhoods we remember, probably a little more fondly than they merit—and it’s best to keep it that way. I’m gonna go watch those kids dance to “Despacito” for half an hour and pretend this never happened.
When thinking about toys from the ’90s, Beanie Babies are probably one of the first things that come to mind, after Gak and Cabbage Patch dolls that got recalled for eating a little girl’s hair. Beanie Babies were so popular that adults even got in on the game, convincing themselves for some reason that these Korean children’s toys that cost like five cents to make could be worth millions of dollars someday. (Side note: if you haven’t seen the photo of the world’s saddest couple dividing up their Beanie Babies in a divorce, stop what you’re doing and look at it right now.) I’d make fun of people for this, but I have like five Kylie Lip Kits so I can’t really say shit. As a child, the Beanie Baby was the perfect accessory to your Lisa Frank folder/Beauty And The Beast Lunchbox/Pocahontas backpack lifestyle, and were basically a requirement for any playdate that you were hoping would go well. Kind of like bringing a condom on dates today. If things really take off, you’re definitely going to want to have at least one Beanie Baby in your bag for a potential trade situation. But which Beanie Babies were the best? Well, there are a fuckload of them, but here is a ranking of the top 10, from back in the days when your biggest concern was how you could fit as many butterfly clips in your hair as the popular sixth grade girl on your bus.
10. Pinchers The Lobster
This lobster loves to pinch,
Eating his food inch by inch,
Balancing carefully with his tail,
Moving forward slow as a snail.
Okay I’m sorry but what child would choose a lobster Beanie Baby? I feel like on the list of kid-friendly animals, lobster ranks somewhere between an electric eel and one of those fish that has a light on its head. Maybe Ty saw The Little Mermaid and wanted to capitalize on the success of Sebastian, but I think we all know that Sebastian is the exception and not the rule. And also, isn’t he a crab? Just read Pinchers’ poem. None of the activities listed sound appealing to a child. Oh cool, a toy that is fat, lazy, and pinches people. Sign me the fuck up. Pinchers would only reasonably come into your Beanie Baby collection if you were one of those freaks who was like, actually trying to collect Beanie Babies, or when your one uncle who doesn’t have kids made an attempt at bringing you a present.
9. Patti The Platypus
Ran into Patti one day while walking,
Believe me she wouldn’t stop talking,
Listened and listened to her speak,
That would explain her extra large beak!
Okay calm the fuck down, Patti. I don’t have time to listen to you blabber on about bullshit all day. This was a stop and chat, but now you’re all up in my grill telling me about how platypuses are the only mammals who lay eggs and I’m like girl, you’ve told me this. You’ve told me this several times. I’m late for work now because of you and your ridiculous beak. Get your shit together. Kids who had this Beanie Baby were the ones who were desperate to “stand out” so instead of doing something cool like developing a skill, they just started saying weird shit like “my favorite animal is the platypus!” Please.
8. Humphrey The Camel
Humphrey’s resting here amid,
A desert near a pyramid,
He thinks that it would be just grand,
To live somewhere that has less sand!
Wow. Okay, Humphrey. Maybe take some responsibility for yourself? If you don’t want to live somewhere with so much sand, go on google, type in “apartments NYC” and get yourself a sublet. It’s not my responsibility to get you out of your situation. You have to do that for yourself. Also, you’re standing next to one of the literal wonders of the ancient world, so maybe try and count your blessings a little bit. As an animal, camels are cooler than platypuses (I looked it up, it’s “platypuses” not “platypi”) but only barely. They’re kind of like gross misshapen horses that spit on you and don’t look good on folders or pencil boxes or any of the other stuff you’d put a horse on so like…what’s the point?
7. Cubbie The Bear
Cubbie used to eat crackers and honey,
And then what happened to him was funny,
He was stung by fourteen bees,
Now Cubbie eats broccoli and cheese!
Umm excuse me? Wtf is this poem describing? What happened to Cubbie is not funny, it’s a very serious medical emergency. Fourteen bees?!? Cubbie is lucky he didn’t go into anaphylactic shock. Apart from his brush with death, Cubbie is just meh. He’s a bear, but like not one of the cool special edition bears that sit up straight and have a little patch over their heart. He’s just like…a regular old bear who lays on his stomach. (Though now that I’ve read his horrific poem, I’m thinking that maybe Cubbie doesn’t sit up because his heart was weakened after the bee attack, which is kind of sad.) Cubbie isn’t even a cool color, he’s just brown. A regular old brown bear that was stung by fourteen bees and has an extremely limited food palate. Not exactly the stuff dreams are made of. Also, I fail to see how getting stung by a swarm of bees correlates with eating broccoli and cheese—which is not a part of a bear’s healthy diet, BTW. Cubbie, you’re gonna get sick, bro.
6. Spot The Dog
See Spot sprint, see Spot run,
You and Spot can have lots of fun,
Watch out now, because he’s not slow,
Just stand back and watch him go!
Spot is a dog. He likes to run. It’s kind of his thing. As far as dogs go, being named Spot and liking to run is as basic as it gets. Like, if Spot was a person his name would be Emily and his interests would include unicorn frappuccinos, Smartwater, and Michael Kors watches. He’d definitely be wearing Lululemon leggings, a Northface, and Adidas Superstars right now, and his hair would be ombré. When you try to talk to Spot, he’d say things like “Oh Em Gee!!!” and is perpetually on a juice cleanse. We all know Spot. We all have a Spot in our friend groups. Some days, when the temptation to start a wedding Pinterest grows too strong, we are Spot. Spot is like, fine, and a necessary addition to any Beanie Baby friend group, but like, he’s never going to be anybody’s fave. The other Beanie Babies mostly just keep him around so they don’t have to feel bad when they low-key want to see the next Katherine Heigl movie that comes out (Unforgettable looks really good, ya’ll…).
5. Chocolate The Moose
Licorice, gum and peppermint candy,
This moose always has these handy,
But there is one more thing he likes to eat,
Can you guess his favorite treat?
Chocolate. His favorite treat is chocolate. That’s the answer to the riddle. Takes a pretty high level of self-centeredness to have your favorite food also be your name, and I respect that. While moose (again, I looked it up—the plural of moose is moose) are not necessarily the betchiest animal on the surface, upon further investigation they have some hidden betchy tendencies, like getting wasted off fermented apples and running through town with Christmas lights on their head. Chocolate is also one of the OG beanie babies, which makes him a much hotter commodity among Beanie Baby collectors—which is apparently a group of people who still exist—so like, he’s one of the wealthier members of the Beanie Baby friend group. Still, as far as I recall, “moose” was definitely not at the top of any little girl’s animal companion wish list, so I doubt a lot of kids were going straight for Chocolate in the toy aisle. He’s more of a “I already have all the cute Beanie Babies and now I want to branch out into smellier animals” type of purchase.
4. Splash The Orca
Splash loves to jump and dive,
He’s the fastest whale alive,
He always wins the 100-yard dash,
With a victory jump he’ll make a splash.
Poor Splash. Sure, he had the distinction of coming out in post-Free Willy America, meaning he was a necessary part of any respectable Beanie Baby collection, but now that we’ve all see Blackfish, we know that Splash was suffering. Like, sure he can do the 100-yard dash, but does he want to? Is that a victory jump he’s doing, or an attempt to escape to the sea and search for his mother, who he was stolen from at birth? Splash belongs in the ocean with the other orcas, not at the bottom of your toy chest trying to make smalltalk with a giraffe. And with all that we now know about the horrible conditions in which Orcas are kept, this photo is extremely disturbing:
Still cute, tho.
3. Flash The Dolphin
You know dolphins are a smart breed,
Our friend Flash knows how to read,
Splash the whale is the one who taught her,
Although reading is difficult under water!
I honestly can’t imagine a better time in the little girl-dolphin relationship than the early ’90s. We’ve got Lisa Frank to thank for that. As a 6-year-old, there were like two acceptable favorite animals, and dolphin was definitely one of them. Dolphins had an amazing PR campaign to market themselves as cute, friendly animals, when in reality they’re just really horny. Dolphins are some of the only animals besides humans and bonobos that have sex for pleasure, which raises some serious questions about how this dolphin got the name “Flash.” Like, I have a feeling it’s not related to speed. Still, no true child of the ’90s would not have made Flash a top priority for their collection, and her ability to be considered respectable while being a closet freak is something we should all admire.
2. Mystic The Unicorn
Once upon a time in a land far away,
A baby unicorn was born one day in May,
Keep Mystic with you she’s a prize,
You’ll see the magic in her blue eyes.
Mystic the unicorn was the central figure in most little girls’ Beanie Baby collections. Like, if you did not have Mystic, you def can’t sit with us. Mystic is also one of the only OG Beanie Babies that is not a real animal (later they’d add like, ghosts and shit, but much like the Pokémon beyond 150, we do not recognize them as legitimate). There’s really not much else to say about Mystic except that she’s a unicorn, she’s gorgeous, and after about two weeks of hanging out in the bottom of your backpack her white coat would turn a sort of smudge-y grey and your mom would have to run her through the wash, at which point her horn would kind of never be the same. Bummer.
1. Princess Diana
Like an angel she came from heaven above,
She shared her compassion, her pain, her love,
She only stayed with us long enough to teach,
The world to share, to give, to reach.
There is no question in anyone’s mind that the Princess Diana Beanie Baby was basically the Lumee case of Beanie Babies. She was luxury, special edition, and only your friend with rich parents and serious Beanie Baby collections had her. She was so special that, despite being a children’s toy, she was not to be played with. Nope. As soon as you bought this priceless heirloom, your parents would stick her in one of those clear plastic Beanie Baby boxes and put her on a high shelf so no one dare fuck with her. And unlike literally every other member of the Beanie Baby family, she was actually a good investment. A couple in the UK sold their mint condition Diana for $100,000, meaning that a purple bear your parents probably sold at a yard sale in 2001 could have actually paid for your college. I guess I finally understand what that Beanie Baby divorce couple was actually talking about.