A ‘Riverdale’ Star And Courtney Love Are Being Accused Of Attempted Murder

Gather round, children, and let me tell you the twisted tale of how Courtney Love (#TBT) may have conspired with a Riverdale star and Britney Spears’ ex manager to have her daughter’s ex-husband murdered. Yeah. Just sit with that for a sec. You ready? Let’s dive in…

Our story begins back in May, when Frances Bean Cobain’s ex-husband (side note: Frances Bean is old enough to be married and divorced??) Isaiah Silva filed a lawsuit against Courtney Love, Love’s manager Sam Lufti (who also used to be Britney Spears’ manager), and several other men. While suing Courtney Love is nothing out of the ordinary, the crime the lawsuit alleges she committed 100% is. According to the suit, Love conspired with these men to break into his house and steal back the acoustic guitar Kurt Cobain played during Nirvana’s iconic 1993 MTV Unplugged performance. (Secondary sidenote: don’t give your dead dad’s important sh*t to anyone, even if you’re married to them. You never know what might happen. Pete Davidson, I’m looking at you, boo.)

But they didn’t just want the guitar, grunge fans—oh no. They wanted blood. According to Silva’s lawsuit, part of the plan was not only to steal the guitar, but also to kill him. And that’s not all. This lawsuit also names Riverdale and 13 Reasons Why star Ross Butler as one of the murderous accomplices. It’s hard to believe someone with a major role in two of the biggest teen dramas of the year would even have the time to commit a murder but, then again, who knows what Ross was up to in 2016. We were all different then. I didn’t even have bangs.

Butler is asking the courts dismiss the suit and is denying that he ever tried to murder anyone—acting releases endorphins, endorphins make you happy, and happy people don’t kill rock legends’ daughter’s ex-husbands. They just don’t! But this story is too juicy not to at least entertain it for a little while.

So What Does Each Side Say?

According to Silva, Sam Lufti, Ross Butler, and some other randos showed up at his house in June of 2016, burglarized him, “sexually battered” him, tried to kill him, and attempted to steal back Kurt’s guitar. He says they got into the house by pretending to be cops, beat him up, and dragged him to an Escalade and drove away. Luckily for Silva, a friend who was visiting ran out of the house and called 911, then used his own car to block their exit, effectively ending the attempted kidnapping. When the LAPD showed up, Silva says Lufti told him he and Courtney “own the judicial system,” and pressured Silva into saying it was a “prank gone wrong.” He also says someone hacked his phone to plant false suicidal messages so that they could make his death look like a suicide. And all this for a guitar that they didn’t even get.

In Butler’s version of the story, on the night in question he and Lufti drove to Silva’s house because they were concerned over some “troubling text messages” and wanted to make sure Frances and Isaiah were okay. When they arrived, Butler says they noticed sheets covering the windows and knocked on the front door, which set off an alarm. Butler says eventually someone came to the door and he was greeted “calmly and amicably by Silva.” He also describes Silva as “frail, emaciated, and had a terrible odor.” Damn. So his defense is basically, “I never tried to murder anyone and also you smell like sh*t.”

Apparently after that, Butler claims that “another man” called the police, who arrived, spoke to everyone, and left. He says he was “shocked” to learn Silva had sued him. Butler is now demanding the claims be dismissed.

Soooo What Do We Think?

Umm…this seems…far fetched? I’m not one to shy away from murder conspiracies involving Courtney Love, but what does Ross Butler have to gain here? On the other hand, both Silva and Frances Bean have been embroiled in a battle over her father’s guitar for years, and it was eventually awarded to Silva in the divorce settlement, (I REPEAT: DO NOT GIVE YOUR DEAD DAD’S STUFF TO YOUR SPOUSE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THEM!!!) so I could see this getting ugly. Also Sam Lufti is shady as f*ck, and Britney had to get a restraining order against him back in the day. And if Britney doesn’t trust you, then I don’t trust you. That’s just the rule.

On the other other hand, if someone broke into your house, beat you up, and tried to steal your one of a kind guitar, wouldn’t you like…pursue a criminal case and not just sue them? Also, if they did all that sh*t, why didn’t they get the guitar? If you were going to fake a suicide, why would you take the person out of the house? Also, why did his friend only run out of the house at the end and not doing anything during the burglary/assault/attempted murder? And if he had been beaten up so badly wouldn’t the LAPD have like, noticed that when the arrived? Also, why does Silva smell so bad? These are questions I have.

So do I think that Courtney Love, Britney Spears’ ex manager, and Ross Butler conspired to kill someone and steal his guitar? Probs not. Do I think it would make an amazing plotline on Riverdale? Hell yeah.

TBT: Sisqo Released A New Version Of ‘The Thong Song’ And It’s Terrible

The late 90s was a weird time. Nobody really had a cell phone. We were all legitimately worried that the world would explode or whatever the fuck when the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2000. Mean Girls didn’t exist yet. Weirdest of all was the music at the time, and none of it was weirder than 1999’s “The Thong Song” by Sisqo. The music video is, unequivocally, the most 1999 thing to ever exist—the quaint idea that guys secretly talk about underwear, the hotdog-as-a-dick visual metaphor, the vaguely Asian iconography, the censoring of the word “breasts,” etc.—and it was all delivered by a strange little man with platinum hair and Air Force Ones doing gymnastics at the beach. And it worked! It was a legitimate, nation-wide phenomenon. Your mom probably hummed it while she folded laundry. I knew every fucking move in that dance break (I was, and remain, almost cripplingly cool).

It’s the kind of thing that doesn’t age well, and isn’t really something you can explain to subsequent generations—it’s you, sitting in the backseat while your dad belts out Billy Joel classics, and saying “ew dad, people actually liked this when you were young?” I don’t hate it even 18 years later, but it’s not a “good” song. It’s a relic best left in its era, only to be dusted off for get togethers with my old-ass friends and 90s/2000s-themed frat parties.

That’s why it’s weird as all hell that, for whatever reason, someone named JCY decided now was the time to “bring back” “The Thong Song,” only with a KEWL NEW VIBE for the MILLENNIULZ:

This, objectively, is a piece of shit. It rips out everything that gave the original what modicum of charm it had (the strings, Sisqo’s vocals) and kept everything that made it stupid (the verses are still identical, Sisqo is old and can’t sing or dance anymore). The women in the video don’t even have good thong butts!

As far as the new track, Buzzfeed (because they are and will forever be the most stupid goddamn destination on the internet) says it “feels VERY 2017,” which almost made me spit out my cold brew. This is terrible EDM, so bad it makes the Chainsmokers sound like fucking Bob Dylan by comparison. On top of that, I can think of, oh, a dozen songs right now that better exemplify today’s sound than this transistor radio recording of wet fart sounds. The only thing that’s “VERY 2017” about it is that, versus the 1999 version, everyone in the video is whiter.

Don’t let people do this shit. We all have things from our childhoods we remember, probably a little more fondly than they merit—and it’s best to keep it that way. I’m gonna go watch those kids dance to “Despacito” for half an hour and pretend this never happened.