After all we’ve been through together, 2019 wouldn’t truly be complete without one more Tana Mongeau update, would it? When the year started, Tana was best known to us as Bella Thorne’s girlfriend, and then things got confusing when she started flirting with Miley Cyrus on social media. But of course, the highlight of Tana’s thirsty 2019 was her abrupt engagement and
fake marriage to fellow YouTube star Jake Paul. Over the summer, we watched in horror as they shoved their alleged love in our faces all over the internet, all the while wondering when this nightmare of a PR stunt would come to an end.
Well, after six months of
waiting patiently forgetting that these people exist, Tana put out a video on Sunday talking all about how she’s—wait for it—not that happy! If you can’t see the look of shock on my face through the computer screen, that’s because there is no look of shock on my face. Literally no one thought this relationship would work out, but it’s still interesting to hear Tana open up about some of the specifics. Her video, which has the appropriately dramatic title “the truth about everything,” is 40 minutes long, so I really don’t expect you to watch it, but I’ll go over some of the biggest points.
To start, Tana filmed this video after taking a two-day “break” from social media. She acknowledges that this is a short break, but I would probably classify it as “not a break at all.” Like, I was just home for the holidays, and I practically went two days without going on social media without really trying. Anyway, Tana spends the entire video lying in bed, facing the camera sideways. I was going to make fun of her for this, but then I realized that this is literally what I look like when I’m working from home. That’s right guys, I’m currently horizontal. Props to Tana for not sitting up.
Tana opens the video by talking a little about her f*cked up past, which I don’t know the details of, because she covered that in another way-too-long video that I’m not going to watch. Then, she gets into how she started talking to Jake Paul, which sounds like the plot of a twisted rom-com where the main woman just kind of sucks. Basically, she was super in love with one guy, and then she started dating a different guy so she could “fall out of love with” the first guy, and then while she was dating the second guy, she was texting Jake the whole time. If that means nothing to you, Jake was pretty much the side-piece during a rebound. Sounds healthy!
Tana says that lots of people warned her about Jake’s problematic reputation, but explains that she was actually more attracted to that, probably because she’s also problematic AF. She says that she and Jake “have gone through so much of the same sh*t that I wanted to be the one to like, save him.” Oh honey, rule number one of dating f*cked-up guys is that you can never save them. It’s a waste of time. In the video, she literally says “Jake could kill my whole family and I’d still love him,” which is exactly the energy we’re NOT taking into 2020.
After Tana and Brad broke up “over weekend two of Coachella” (yikes), she and Jake started hooking up, but kept it on the down-low until people recognized Jake’s bed in one of her photos. For like two seconds, she makes it seem like she was sad people found out, but then she starts talking about how much she loved being swept up in the world of Jake Paul. She claims that she never actually cared about clout, which I feel like is a blatant lie, because why else would their wedding or literally any of this right now be happening.
As for the wedding, Tana says that “the wedding sh*t literally started as a joke,” but then they both just kept going with it. Okay, this is the first believable thing Tana has said yet. She says that she ignored any and all red flags, and that the wedding night was “hell” for her, because her dad had a stroke. She also says that she was angry about the infamous wedding livestream, but she went along with it because Jake wanted it.
Obviously Jake and Tana were doomed from the beginning, but it sounds like the biggest single problem was their lack of communication about what their open relationship meant. Tana says she was envisioning a chill arrangement where the both might hook up with someone else occasionally, but Jake took it as “him still being able to have sex with a new bitch every night.” And I OOP. Open relationships can be great, but those are two very different ideas, and in general, if you go into an open relationship just assuming sh*t and don’t clearly define your boundaries, you are setting yourself up to fail. So, again, not surprised about this. It didn’t help matters that Jake was seen hanging out with his ex, Erika Costell, which Tana apparently found out about on Twitter. Anddddd it just keeps getting worse.
Tana rambles on about some other topics in the video, but we never really get clarity on what’s happening between her and Jake right now. She doesn’t say that they’re broken up, but she does talk about a lot of this stuff in the past tense, and also says that they don’t “ever want to hate each other.” Yeah, that doesn’t make it sound like things are in an especially good place. We’ll have to wait for an official announcement to call a time of death on this relationship, but six months feels like pretty much what we expected.
Images: Tana Mongeau / YouTube; tanamongeau / Instagram