Super Bowl XLIX’s 10 Betchiest Commercials

If you were spooning the porcelain throne by fourth quarter of last nights game then 1) way to go, sports fan 2) great strategy in combatting America’s fattest day and 3) don’t worry, we have a recap of the only important part of the game: the commercials.

Honestly, the commercials this year were pretty fucking weak. Apparently 2015 is the year of the family, because they were using babies and puppies to sell everything from cars to beer. I wonder how many people’s tits went bankrupt on the recent Earth shattering insight that sex doesn’t sell? But lets get real here: pooping machines don’t either. On that note, nor do threats of your children dying…WTF NATIONWIDE that was traumatizing and I haven’t even talked to a child in 3 years.

Regardless, here’s 10 ads from SB XLIX that didn’t give us the spins:

Honorable Mention: Tomorrowland’s Trailer 


Sure, some wouldn’t even consider movie trailers to be in the running, but the fact that Disney decided to make a movie about hallucinogens at the all-important Tomorrowland Festival is pretty ahmazing. I will say the commercial’s music def should’ve been house though and my personal trip was a little less sci-fi-innocent and a little more gropey-Italian-boy-esque.


#10. Bud Light’s “Real life Packman”


Good in the sense that every time you go out to a club too sober you ask yourself: “What if I could be the next person in the Bud Light ad?” Bad in the sense that being drunk in a life-size PacMan video game didn’t end up happening to you, but some unnamed bro with an afro. If only you branched out from vodka sodas a little more…


#9 BMW’s “Newfangled Idea”



The TBT Internet convo is shocking and amazing. Thank God most of us don’t remember 1994 because that sounds awful. Also, got to love original betch mom Katie Couric. The only problem is that the beamer looks more like a science fair project than a car that alerts fellow drivers on the road to your income bracket. But like they said, big ideas take a little getting used to…


#8 T-Mobile’s “#KimsDataStash”

Lol lol lol I wonder if Kim K even knows everyone is making fun of her. Good one, T Mobes. Also, to be honest, everyone really wishes sidekicks were still a thing. Maybe Kendall could bring them back?


#7 Eat 24’s “Hangry”



It was a regional ad but if it aired in your area, Snoop Dog would like to let you know, “you are welcome.” It truly captured exactly how any betch feels when she’s trying to be somewhat skinny but is also really high and wants to order a medium meat lover’s with a side of 24 buffalo wings yet doesn’t even know where her Mac is.


#6 Discover’s “Surprise Scream”



This might have been the worst Super Bowl commercial or it might have been the best, depending on how drunk you were. Personally, I can speak for hammered people everywhere when I say that a screaming goat really resonates when you’re 12 shots deep. I know Sprint did it too but Discover’s aired it first so sorry about that 5 million, Sprint.


#5 Doritos’s “Perfect Middle Seat Companion”


Very relatable because there’s always anxiety about who you’re going to sit next to on a plane. Plus, there’s that pathetic but nonetheless present personal thought of: “Omg this is how my sorority sister Beth met her husband Tom. Anything could happen…” On a real note though lets not forget that if your breath smelt like Doritos on an aircraft, the only thing you’d be hitting it off with is SkyMall (RIP).


#4 Nationwide “Invisible Mindy Kaling”



Basically Mindy goes delusional, thinks she’s invisible because she doesn’t get enough attention, and then tries to kiss Matt Damon. Self-explanatory loss for her. JK love you Mindy xx self-awareness is good.


#3 Esurance “Sorta Your Mom”



So this is how you know Lindsay Lohan really needs some drug money. Nonetheless, so good to see her and kind of ironically reminded us of Freaky Friday when she was still a good girl. Also, the other Esurance one with Walter White was just as good, but it brought back dark memories of watching Netflix on a Saturday night… for four Saturday nights in a row…


#2 Always, “Like a Girl” 


Yes, everyone saw this on their newsfeed 10,000 times before they saw it on TV, but considering it is advertising pads (talk about a #TBT), it’s the most important thing a period commercial could ever say. Also, double high five to Always on Dove Men jumping on their bandwagon. That’s when a sanitary napkin knows that it made it.


#1 Mophie, “All Powerless” 



At first I was annoyed that this was going to be a totes unrealistic commercial about the world ending because someone forgot to turn their lights off. But then, something more chaotic than global warming happened. A phone died. Understandable. Wow. Whoever came up with this idea is a definite betch. Besides, I haven’t wanted something advertised this badly since Nickelodeon’s 1-800 “Only on TV” infomercials.

P.S. Here’s hoping your boss is just as hungover as you are today.

P.P.S. Don’t forget Seahawks player John Ryan said he went to “University of Vagina.” We know you pulled in college John, but holy shit. It’s time to move on. 



P.P.P.S. That fight, LOL.


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