Alright, y’all. I’m back from a Summer House hiatus. I heard your cries and I have returned. Really this was a test to see how much you guys cared, and you passed. Congrats.
God damn it, I missed Carl meeting the Wirkus parents? Jesus Christ, you go to bed early ONE TIME.
OK not gonna lie though, I missed this band of misfits. And by “band of misfits” I mean Stephen.
I MISSED LINDSAY AND EVERETT’S BREAKUP??? Dis is tew much.
Everett takes the same subway line as me, what up N/R train.
Why does this bartender where Kyle and Carl are look like Gunther? Ok so he’s just a bald white guy. Does that make me racist?
Carl: Lauren likes me more than I like her.
Also Carl: Lauren’s more than just a hookup. She’s the real deal.
Things I can look forward to at age 30, according to Summer House: still being a hot mess. Stress pimples.
The stylist asks if any of them have boyfriends and Lindsey is like “nope.” Welp.
Actual footage of Stephen saying “I’m really upset about their breakup”:
Kyle’s like “I feel bad but not that bad since they’re ruining my vibe.”
Ugh these girls are all so skinny and I just ate a piece of garlic bread.
Lauren is bitching about Carl and Stephen’s literally sipping tea as he runs the fuck away.
Sweetwater 420 shouts out! #Atlanta #NotASponsoredPost but I will accept compensation in the form of unlimited Sweetwater Blue.
Some girl at Lindsey’s party: What are you, like 12?
OH SHIT EVERETT IS IN THE BUILDING. This is a code blue, people! I repeat, code blue!
“You look good” —shit everyone says to their ex, even if they broke up 2 days ago
Everett: I couldn’t breathe today when I found out I lost you
Welp, I just lost my garlic bread. Thanks, E!
Lindsey: I put on this tough girl front like “IDGAF if he comes” but I’m happy he’s here.
Literally nobody thought that.
Cristina walking in and noticing Everett is literally all of us.
One more time for the people in back:
Everybody’s like “I don’t wanna do this anymore, you can’t put me through this.”
Kyle is really taking this white trash theme to heart.
“Carl and his guests are putting the hoes in hoe-down” – Quote of the night.
“Who are these hookers?” IDK who said that but I’m living for it.
Kyle: Is it wack not to tell anyone you’re bringing two random bitches? Yes. Do I give a shit? No because see aforementioned “random bitches.”
Did I just hear “wack wack city bitch”? Somewhere Tyga just earned $300.
Kyle: Do you girls have any questions? Like my favorite sexual position?
Stephen listening to Lauren and Ashley go off about Carl is me.
Ok so I just realized Stephen is totally the Jim of Summer House.
Lauren confronts Carl and is like “IDK if you were trying to get a rise out of me by bringing two random girls” and Carl’s basically like “Well in order to do that I’d have to give a shit about your feelings. So.” Dude literally can’t even keep a straight face throughout this entire convo. You can all join me in the Over Carl Party.
Carl: Go F U in the G
Fuck you in the … ?? Pls send help. I cannot for the life of me figure this out.
So Everett broke up with Lindsey for all of like, three hours and he had a foursome?
Lauren is off to have some revenge sex. YAS GIRL. Am I sexist for criticizing Everett for having a foursome and then telling Lauren to go fuck some rando? Maybe. Probably. Don’t care.
Kyle: So are you actively looking for a guy? *sucks girl’s face*
Wow, what a line.
Honestly the next time my dad asks why I’m not dating anyone I’m just gonna put on an episode of this show for him.
Not gonna lie, I thought Cletus McGee was a joke until this second. Also let’s take a minute to appreciate this facial expression from Stephen when he’s telling us how he has an uncle named Elmo:
I wonder how Stephen got wrapped up with these crazies. Eh, every comedy needs a straight man I guess.
Oops, NOT WHAT I MEANT.
Love that these two girls are calling each other from inside the house. …it’s coming from inside the house! *cue horror movie music*
Lauren: Mr. Mixed Signals Carl wants to know where I’ve been?
No. No he doesn’t. Carl did not ask. Carl doesn’t GAF where you’ve been. Even though you want him to want to know where you’ve been.
Everett and Carl are talking about Lindsey over golf. The gist of the convo is as follows:
Everett: Carl’s a mystery. One minute he’s a lover and the next he’s not even around.
Dad, is that you?
Lindsey’s asking for advice on what to say to her sister and Everett’s like, “Idk. Just keep it breezy.”
Keri aka Random Thing #1: Are you glad we’re here?
Cristina: Uhhh yeah, totally, we’re BFFs.
Haha Random Thing #2 heard that she called them hookers. Cristina’s like “I was just sticking up for Lauren” and Lauren’s like “I never would want you to say that” even though 10 seconds ago we saw the playback of her cackling at that comment. These hoes…well, you already know WTF I’m about to say.
Honestly the guys on this show say “I’m single, I can do what I want” so often that I wonder if they’re trying to convince us or themselves.
Carl’s like “I don’t care that Lauren’s getting a ride from some other guy. Watch how much I don’t care.”
Lauren and Ashley are talking about Carl…again….and Ashley is like “I tried to tell you! I tried to warn you!”
And now they’re both crying like, give me a fucking break. Ashley’s like “I want so badly for you to have what I have!”
Raise your hand if you don’t think Ashley and Brad are nearly as happy as she makes their relationship out to be.
After Lindsey’s done talking about how great her relationship is, Stephen’s like “Wellllll Everett slept in a bed with four people last weekend so don’t ring the wedding bells just yet.”