‘Summer House’ Recap: #FreeTheTits

Catch Up On Last Week: ‘Summer House’ Recap: Cash Me Outside, How Bout Dat

And now we’re back at Summer House with our favorite band of degenerates. When we last left off everyone was wasted and Lindsay called Cristina stupid.

Lindsay slapped Everett in the face and Everett said “fuck you.” SO HEALTHY.

Wait, new series idea: Couples’ Counseling with Katie and Tom from Vanderpump Rules and Lindsay and Everett from Summer House. Holy shit, y’all.

Smartest Man Alive

Sayo-fucking-nara is how I plan to end all my relationships.

Stephen: Lindsay and Everett are fighting, Kyle can barely even speak.

Sounds like your average evening.

Kyle trying to smooth over this fight/form coherent sentences is the funniest thing I’ve seen all night.

Cristina and Kyle are going out, good luck with that. Cut to: shirtless Kyle eating Cheetos. I knew that wasn’t happening.

Lindsay and Everett wake up in each other’s arms *vom* and Everett’s first words are, “you hit me in the face.” I love when bae whispers sweet nothings in my ear.

These people are all on a strong dose of denial, acting like nothing happened last night and everything’s peachy keen today. Yeah, let’s throw more alcohol into the mix. This will end well.

Lindsay: Fired, let go, quit, it doesn’t make any difference. You leave a job you leave a job.

Really? That’s like saying “murder, suicide, it’s all the same shit.”

Are You Serious

Cristina is like “Well I was gonna let your interns stay but guess what I’m not allowing them anymore.” So Lindsay tries to ban her from the house. Don’t do that. I like Cristina. Her facial expressions are top notch.

Lindsay calls a renter’s meeting. Look, you do NOT interrupt a man’s cheese plate for some bullshit meeting.

Stephen: I just don’t care about what the fight was about because it doesn’t involve me.

Also Stephen: This meeting is interrupting my wine tasting and my small shaved meats and cheeses.

Stephen is the real fucking MVP of this house. All the rest of you better step.

The rest of the house is like “LOL no.”

I do feel like, given the intensity with which Cristina is denying this firing rumor, that she probably was fired. Any potential employer can verify if you really were fired or nah, this doesn’t seem like a big deal.

“Let’s go frolic in the vineyard” — Kyle is low-key my spirit animal rn.

Lauren accuses Stephen and Carl of having a boy’s club because he and Carl went out last night, and this shit is as transparent as Rihanna’s dress to the CDFA awards.

Rihanna CDFA 2014

YES I’M AWARE OF HOW OLD THAT REFERENCE IS; YOU TRY OF THINKING OF SOMETHING SHEER ON THE FLY. Anyway, Lauren, you’re not mad because you feel excluded; you’re mad because you didn’t get to go out with Carl.

Lauren: I feel like Carl and Stephen are excluding others in the house. And by others I mean me.

Everett: We have outsiders in the midst who are not our blood, sweat and tears friends.

^Sounding like you’re in a post-apocalyptic universe, forming a secret society whose sole purpose is to overthrow the government. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT A HOUSE IN MONTAUK.

Kyle: I’ll admit it, I have an Amanda problem. The problem being that I cannot leave the poor girl the fuck alone.

^Some paraphrasing done by me.

Amanda got overemotional and wine drunk and cut her hair after Kyle dumped her. Rookie mistake, yo.

Kyle: I guess your friends would be really pissed if you didn’t spend the night with them, right? You’re not going to spend the night here, right? Please don’t say you’re sleeping here tonight.

Lauren called Carl “babe.” ABORT, CARL. ABORT.

Amanda takes her top off in the jacuzzi and Kyle is chanting “free the tits.” New Instagram movement.

Stephen: When the tits come out, I’m out.

Lauren called her tits “flamboyant.” I think the word she was looking for was “buoyant.” Close, though.

At Least You Tried

Lauren runs into Carl’s room topless and wakes him up. He’s not amused at all. Not even aroused. What kind of bitch-ass antibiotics is he on?

I can feel the pain of that L through my TV screen.

Ooooo Stephen’s dating some high society European guy. SCANDALOUS!!

Carl doesn’t like Lauren, basically, because she’s too direct and knows what she wants?

I really don’t get why Lindsay acts like she can’t go with her interns to Starbucks, or get a WeWork office. But then again, Cristina can also go to Starbucks.

Does this woman have 6 interns? What is this, the Brady Bunch? How did she start this company a week ago and yet she already found 4 interns?

Kyle’s mom is adorable. Let’s get her a regular spot on the show.

Oh wow I didn’t even realize Ashley was back, I honestly thought Lauren was just talking twice as often. Whoops.

Jaclyn: I didn’t even hold hands with anybody in Greece.

Oh I’m sorry, that must have been so hard for you.

Pity

Holy shit, speaking of the fucking Brady Bunch, the Wirkus family is huge! Has Momma Wirkus ever heard of the pill? Sorry, was that too far?

And their mom is wearing a choker. And the other daughter is wearing pasties to fucking family dinner? Jesus Christ, this family needs their own reality show that’s just them.

Fuck the mom for being like “Ashley is a man magnet” IN FRONT OF LAUREN. That’s gotta fucking hurt, your identical, less fun, already married twin being called the man magnet? Does the L in Lauren just stand for “loss” at this point?

Carl: How do you know if your weiner is burnt?
Jaclyn: It doesn’t look like it’s ready, Carl!

Vom

Also Jaclyn: I would drink Carl up like a tall drink of water

Still Jaclyn: I would climb you like a tree.

Whoa

I would want my family to commit an honor killing on me if I ever fucking talked to a guy like that, let alone if it was captured on video. If anyone from my family is reading this, you all have my permission.

Cristina’s whispering into Carl’s ear in the car and is like “this is supposed to be a private conversation.” In the backseat of a car with everyone in your house 2 feet next to you?

Cristina: You don’t cross a Wirkus lightly.

Carl: LOL

We’ll see how much Carl’s laughing next episode. Just saying, you need to sleep with one eye open. And like, an athletic cup.

Carl’s like, “Bitch STFU you’re cock blocking me rn what is your problem?” Honestly I cannot wait to watch this train wreck happen next week.

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