‘Summer House’ Recap: Summer Goals

Kyle: The Hamptons are like your mom’s friend who wears pearls. Montauk is like, cool surfer chicks who are promiscuous.

I would disagree with that, but okay sure.

Carl says the crew seems cliquey and [insert correct twin’s name] is like “What? no. We’re not cliquey at all.” Uhhh, you guys are New Yorkers who summer in Montauk and have been for like, generations. OF COURSE you’re cliquey. Side note: I’m probably never going to get the twins’ names right, so just accept it now.

Carl should keep his eyes on the road instead of flirting. At least wait until mid-season to land yourself in the hospital.

So Carl is basically the resident fuckboy. 

That margarita does look questionable af. Why is it radioactive?

“We’re identical twins but we’re not exactly alike” *montage of the twins wearing all matching outfits*

Ugh, who needs a twin to constantly remind you your biological clock is ticking? It would be one thing if she was her older sister but it’s like, bitch, you have the same biological clock.

Hold up, Carl just brushed his teeth with his hairbrush. ABORT.

I’m legit still salty that I got suckered into watching this show. Ugh, there’s a couple on here? Fuck this, I’m out.

I'm out

“We’re like the clownfish and the sea anemone it’s a very good symbiotic relationship” — too much intelligence for the Bravo network.

I’m already sick of the married twin acting like everybody’s mom. Bitch, you are the same age as everybody else.

I feel like Christina looks like Kristen. And she has a similar name. Will she be the ultimate BSCB? Only time will tell.

Omg Lauren got a tick. Is this going to be a Yolanda Foster situation?

Carl: If I was a tick I’d definitely crawl on Lauren. But it would take a long time for me to get there because y’know ticks are small.

Wow, Carl. A gentleman and a scholar. What a catch.

Kyle: If one of us got an STD we’d all be infected within a week.

Does Kyle not understand that STDs don’t magically transmit to all your previous partners?

They’re all sitting in this circle talking about summer goals. What is this, sleepway camp?

Unnamed Gay Guy: I think only first graders have summer goals.


Kyle: I wanna have fun and make friends

Does Kyle also want to learn how to make friendship bracelets and shoot the target in archery? Seriously, dude.

Mom Twin (this is how I will differentiate them now) goes and yells at everyone for being too loud. The twins both need 7 to 8 hours of sleep. I’m sorry, are you 45? Why are you on this show? If this wasn’t obviously filmed over the summer I would demand Bravo replace one of these lame-ass hoes with me.

If my sex moans were captured on national TV I’d probably commit suicide. Somebody better check on Amanda.

Carl thinks there’s a lot of politics involved in hooking up, so he’s a clear fuckboy. “Your place or mine” is not some high-level negotiation tactic.

Everett giving Lindsey a massage in broad fucking daylight while applying sunscreen is the literal most. I can already tell I’m going to hate you two. Luckily hating on couples gives me life, so in a way I thank you.

Jake (is that his name??) and Christina want to play a drinking game every time Lindsey and Everett say “babe.” I’m in.


Oh god, these girls are 32 and single. This is a very sobering look into my future. Fuck. This stopped being fun.

Kyle is the fucking Rain Man of luxury cars over here. Oh, you can tell the type of car by the sound of its engine? Cool story, bro.

“I stare because I care” — I just vomited.

Girl goes up to Carl and steals his hat; classic girl move.

Kyle hooked up with his ex and knows she wants to be in a relationship, so he’s fuckboy #2.

Places not to break up with someone: a private plane. The only thing that would have been worse would have maybe been a cruise ship because you can at least jump out of a plane with a parachute and don’t have like a 50% chance of contracting Norovirus.

Oh god, this shit’s every Monday at 10pm. I’m not gonna be able to do it.

These girls are getting very excited over a basic T-shirt that says “Beach House” like they found the Holy Grail of T-shirts.

Beach House

The twins are really going to sit here and tell us that being around the same person all the time is bad? Really?

Christina tries to talk to Lindsey about her being annoying af and Lindsey’s like “I’m sorry Christina’s so jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I have a boyfriend.”

Gretchen Weiners

“Smoked salmon” … it is lox. Fuck outta here.

It’s “Hotline Bling”, Carl. With a B. Hotline Ring is not a thing. And now it’s gonna be on every white person’s engagement announcement, fuck. What have I done.

Everett: “Dating in New York sucks. For girls.” Please go fuck yourself. Mahalo.

Everett’s like “We wanted to be together ever since we met. We always knew there was a spark.” So then why did it take you two years to start dating? No shade … jk yes, lots of shade.

Carl goes over to talk to this table of girls and Kyle says to Everett “man that’s so weird three months ago you would have been doing that” and Everett is like “I know. Fuck me.” But tell me more how happy you are in your relationship.

Kyle: What’s more American than Mexico?

Somebody call Trump, they are making tacos on the 4th of July. Un-American! Sad!

Did Carl really ask Everett if they swear in the army? You’re asking if a bunch of roided-up, sex-deprived dudes with guns swear?

These dudes are listening to Everett’s war stories and I can see their balls shrinking back into their bodies. Ah shit Everett’s crying now, I feel bad.

The twins’ choker game is on point. However I do feel like they’re a little too old to be wearing chokers. I think the statute of limitations on wearing chokers is like, 25.

Lauren’s flirting with Carl like “oh you got a pedicure? I like that.” Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

Lauren: I like Carl because he’s hot and his name is Carl.


Holy shit, Ashley is so annoying. This guy doesn’t want to fucking hear about you mothering your twin sister, he just wants to do shots and dance! Leave the resident GBFF alone!

Ashley’s method of kicking things up a notch is to drag the guy to take shots at the bar—literally same. Followed by my other to-go move, which is “rap all the words to a current hip-hop song and hope the guy is impressed.”

Honestly if Mom Twin is so worried about Carl breaking Lauren’s heart after he fucks her ONE TIME, she has bigger problems than Carl being a fuckboy.

Lauren: Once I see myself liking someone, I’m 100% in.

Nick Young Confused

Bitch, what? So you’ve already married them in your mind before you actually like them; it starts when you think you are going to like them? Are you fucking insane? Answer: yes.

This is going to be a shit show; I am here for it. My brain cells, however, are probably not. Stay tuned to find out how long I can keep my sanity after two straight hours of trying to make sense of the actions of people on Bravo reality shows.


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