Well, fans, we made it to Summer House episode 8, which probably means we’re nearing the end of this season of Summer House. A lot has happened this season. Lauren’s lied about being over Carl, Kyle and Amanda have fought a little… okay, so you’re right, not a whole lot has happened. But, like boats against the current, we’re still beating on, blindly devoted to a B-list Bravo show nobody really watches or even knows about. And with that, let’s get into the Summer House episode 8 recap.
Carl says in the intro, “Danielle took a DJ for a spin.” Ugh we need to fire whoever’s writing these intro sequences. Save the puns for NEXT.
We left off last week with Everett walking into the party and addressing everyone by their formal titles.
Lindsay starts freaking out and Stephen’s advice is to catch him off-guard and show him who’s boss. My advice would actually to be ignore him and act like he wasn’t even there until he makes a point to come up to her, but okay.
Lindsay and Everett go into a huge hug and then decide to run off into the woods together. Everyone else is literally crawling on the ground to try to eavesdrop. It reminds me of the scene in Friends where everybody is eavesdropping on Rachel and Ross’s reconciliation, but I couldn’t really find a good gif of it, so this will have to do.
Holy shit, Everett says he misses Lindsay and wants to build a life with her. Does he actually miss her, or does he miss the very small amount of reality TV fame he gets from being with her?
Lindsay: This is the same song and dance, so I’m not taking this with a grain of salt, I’m taking this with Salt Lake City.
See, Scheana? THAT’S how you modify an idiom.
Lindsay: I’m gonna need you to prove to me that you’re a different person, and I need you to do that by fucking me.
That was pretty much a direct quote. Shots of the party are punctuated by Lindsay and Everett making cat noises in the woods. I’m calling the authorities. Kyle literally throws tea in the pool. I feel bad for whatever cleaning service has to clean the pool.
Ugh, Everett is like flailing Lindsay around Dirty Dancing style. Lauren is nervous at the prospect of them getting back together, which is fucking saying something. I’m nervous too. The world isn’t ready.
Danielle and Kevin make out while a banner across the screen reads: “Kevin: Danielle’s friend.” Shadeeeee.
Lindsay is storming around the house being like “Danielle! Tell Everett this isn’t a good look for him.” But he’s like… not doing anything? He’s just talking to his friends? Aaaaand psycho Lindsay is back.
Lauren pulls her aside and is like “What did Everett do? What’s wrong?” and Lindsay keeps giving Lauren dirty looks as if she should read her mind. Lindsay is like “He should have walked in this house and not paid any attention to anyone but me!” Yeah that is psychotic considering Everett only came for KYLE’S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
Everett: I thought we had a good conversation.
Lindsay: Oh really? Then you should be bowing at my fucking feet.
Lindsay pretty much says, “You shouldn’t care about your friends. You shouldn’t care about anybody else but me.” Jesus, this is psychotic, and that’s coming from a girl who breadcrumbed my way back into some Hinge guy’s life, only to ghost him at 8am the next morning.
Now Lindsay’s mad at Carl, and calling everyone a motherfucker. I’m gonna guess that she doesn’t remember any of this the text day. Just giving her the benefit of the doubt.
Stephen meets Travis at a bar and comes back on a walk of shame. I SEE YOU. He immediately goes to the kitchen, grabs pizza, and goes up to his room. Vibes.
These guys are coming to clean the pool and they’re like “How did tea get into the pool” and Kyle’s like “Well what had happened was… I intentionally dumped 40 pounds of tea into the pool because I was recreating the Boston Tea Party.”
The next morning Kyle says to Lindsay “*sigh*… how’s Everett.” Lindsay does apologize for being emotional but Kyle isn’t having it. He says “It’s hard to root for you when all it takes is literally nothing to set you off.” Honestly, fair. All Everett did was… talk to someone else other than Lindsay.
Everyone’s missing Lindsay’s birthday next weekend. Danielle’s in Canada, Stephen will be in Alabama. I feel like that is karma for acting like a giant psycho.
Back down in Alabama, we learn Stephen lives in a huge-ass house. I guess his family keeps bees or something? IDK, there was something about honey but I couldn’t really focus without subtitles, so.
Okay I’m happy for Kyle and Amanda and all but does she honestly have to grab his face and kiss him like it’s the closing scene in a rom-com every time she sees him? I’d hate to see these two on the subway.
We learn Kyle met up with Everett and sent flowers to the house and gave Kyle a love letter to Lindsay. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. WHY.
Amit is back, and I didn’t even know he was gone. Raise your hand if you didn’t notice, either. I kind of admire his ability to land a gig on reality TV as a mute. It’s inspirational tbh.
Lindsay says “I’m officially into my 30s,” but bitch, you are turning 31. You were into your 30s the moment you turned 30 last year. I will say though that I’m into the Hubbana nights theme. Too bad my name doesn’t lend itself to puns.
Wowww Amit just made out with Lauren and Lindsay on the bus to the Hamptons, and that’s the most personality we’ve seen out of him all season.
Stephen’s beekeeping in shorts, which seems ill-advised. I learned within the first week of summer camp that anytime you’re going to be around bugs or tall grass, you wear longs and longs.
Kyle just peed into a wine bottle on the bus… hold on, did he actually fill up the ENTIRE bottle with his urine or did he just take a joke out of Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s play book?
I’m honestly tired though of Amanda complaining about Kyle being immature. Yes, Kyle is extremely immature. You knew who he was when you started dating him, though. You can’t just expect someone’s personality to flip a switch the moment they turn a certain age. She literally says, “I thought turning 35 would bring out a different side of you.” But why though? Does anyone ever feel different after their birthday? Or do you forget your age and still tell people you’re 24 even though you were born in 1991? Exactly.
Kyle is wasted and barely coherent, so I wonder if we’re about to have a birthday ruining role reversal.
Kyle goes downstairs to bring Lindsay her flowers and he can barely walk. He trips literally at the top of the steps. I’m so glad Everett didn’t send a glass vase. Naturally Amanda immediately goes into “Kyle you’re embarrassing me” mode. I can see her getting along with Naomie from Southern Charm—they act the exact same in relationships.
Holy shit, ok so Lindsay might actually be onto something. Lindsay is like “these flowers mean nothing, Everett sent me flowers 4 hours before he went and hooked up with someone else.” Kyle slurs, “So what, the guy is single?” Lmfao everyone is slurring at each other. I don’t think Amit is even tipsy. This is fucking hilarious. Amit is the only one who can hang. And for the record, Kyle is wrong. Lindsay is right. I’ll be going into enough gender-based rants in my upcoming Vanderpump Rules recap, so I don’t really have the time. I’ll just say that sure, you *CAN* hook up with whoever you want when you’re single, but if you’re actively trying to win someone back, it’s not a good look.
Down home in Alabama, Stephen is going through his baby pictures with his parents, a real thing all people do organically. Stephen’s parents say they’re proud of him. I’m cringing in preparation for this conversation about Stephen’s sexuality, which we all know is happening.
Stephen: I don’t choose to be gay, that’s just how I am, I want to tell you about my life and who I’m dating because I want you to feel like a part of my life.
(I’m paraphrasing a bit.)
Stephen’s mom says that she never wants him to feel alone or lesser than and she never made him feel that way. But then Stephen’s dad is like “you know how we feel about the Bible and God.” So then, you have made Stephen feel alone or lesser than. You can’t have it both ways. I feel like Stephen’s parents are the type of people who’d say “I’m not homophobic, but… *proceeds to say something that’s the textbook definition of homophobic*”.
Stephen’s Mom: Don’t let one choice in your life, choosing to be gay, define who you are.
But he just said… ugh. I hate this. This really sucks for Stephen. Again, I don’t have the bandwidth to go into a huge rant, but this is shitty, and I hope Stephen figures it out. I mean really, I hope his parents decide to step into the year 2018, but that seems unlikely given that they felt fine expressing their less-than-progressive opinions on national TV.
Annnddd that’s where Summer House episode 8 ends. It’s like Bravo doesn’t want me to feel any joy?