A Strongly Worded Letter To Theme Weddings

To Anyone Who Aspires To Have a Wedding,

Pretty much every girl dreams about her wedding day, and everyone’s dream wedding looks different.  That being said, there’s one important rule that needs to be stated. There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON your wedding should have a theme. Even if a wedding looks stunning, a cheesy theme is the fastest way to turn the best day of your life into a fucking joke. This sounds harsh, so let me explain further:

I can’t imagine anything more disappointing than seeing a bride in her beautiful gown, then finding out that the dress was “inspired by Cinderella’s ball gown.”  Excuse me, are you a child?  If this sounds like something you would do, you are taking the concept of a fairytale wedding WAY too seriously.  Like, I’m pretty sure you don’t want a ton of mice and birds at your reception, so you can suck it up and leave the Disney magic at home for a day.

There are really only a few occasions in a betch’s life that warrant an elaborate theme, and a wedding just isn’t one of them. Honestly, your parents probably already dropped 20 grand on a tacky theme for your Bat Mitzvah, so the least you can do is make them pay for something a little more subtle than a giant fucking banner that says “Sarah’s Sweet Shoppe” this time around.

In a classic example of tragic wedding themes, Snooki had a Great Gatsby themed reception. Let that sink in. TBH, Snooki probably hadn’t even heard of Gatsby until the Leo DiCaprio movie, but obvi no one told her that this literally isn’t okay. I start to cry a little when I think of how many times they must have played that fucking Fergie song from the movie, and I wasn’t even there. Ugh.

To make the point clearer, here are some other wedding themes that need to not exist: Elvis. Country (fringe at a wedding is NEVER okay). Pixar. Sports. 60s, 50s, etc. Paris. Italy. New York. Hollywood. Downton Abbey. Portlandia. Mad Men. Frozen. Frozen.  SERIOUSLY FUCKING FROZEN.

Just please, for the love of God, don’t do it.


The Betches

Tired of cheesy bachelorette shit? Plan a betchelorette with Shop Betches. We will customize apparel for you and your squad! Tees, tanks, hats, robes, vintage denim jackets, swimwear — literally almost anything. We will create and submit your Snapchat filters. We will come up with creative and hysterical wedding and betchelorette hashtags. You can’t google how to be funny but you can ask us to be funny for you. I know, we’re like, such a good friend. For absolutely everything you need to know, click here!