A Strongly Worded Letter To Girls Who Won’t STFU About Their New Year's Resolutions

Dear Oversharers,

There’s nothing wrong with New Year’s resolutions. We’re all about being motivated, and if you need to set goals like that, go right ahead. But for the love of god, get that shit off our newsfeed. We’re only a few days into 2017, and already our Facebook and Instagram feeds are flooded with posts about new diets, new workout plans, and a bunch of other random shit that we don’t need to know about.

We just love hearing about all the fun dietary restrictions people give themselves. Like, okay Gillian, that’s great that you’ve decided to “leave meat in 2016,” but come President’s Day your drunk ass is going to be craving a burger and you’re going to be sorry that you told everyone you know that “meat just doesn’t make sense.” Same goes for gluten, because Jesus fucking Christ. If you want to eat less carbs, we applaud you. We all want a spring break body, no shame. But when did someone decide that the best way to look good is by just giving things up altogether? Eat gluten, you’re supposed to eat gluten!!

I want a donut

New workout plans are the worst. People get so fucking excited about going to the gym for like, a week, then they have to go back to school or work or whatever and literally forget what an elliptical even is. If you want to go to the gym more, just go to the gym. We don’t need to see a status and an Instagram and a Snapchat when you haven’t even done anything yet.

How about we make a new rule: You’re only allowed to post about your resolution for 2017 in the last two weeks of December, and only if you’ve made it the entire year. Guess what? Literally no one would be able to post, because who the hell keeps a New Year’s resolution past February?

Be Quiet

That rule goes for Facebook. In terms of Instagram, let’s make the new rule that you’re just never allowed to post about it. At this point, Instagram should be for beautifully edited photos of food and landscapes and less beautiful photos of fun nights out. There is no place for mirror selfies in which we’re supposed to be able to see your “gains.” Chill the fuck out, Ronda Rousey, nobody’s forcing you into a UFC ring so just walk on the treadmill like the rest of us.

So basically, good luck with your resolutions this year, but we better not hear about them until December 15. Until then, we’ve got bigger shit to deal with, like our nightmare of a new President and why Kim Kardashian only just returned to social media. Have fun not eating meat, we’ll miss you!

Feelin Myself

New Year, New Nothing