Dear Annoying AF Coworkers.
We all have that one coworker that everyone in the office hates.
The try-hard who jumps out of his/her chair when the boss asks for helps. The do-gooder who brings weekly baked goods to the office. The brown-noser who laughs too loud at any executive's jokes.
We fucking hate them.
This is an ode to all of you horrible individuals, and a strongly worded letter to tell you to just stop.
No one cares about your adorable niece or nephew that you hang proudly on your four-foot cubicle wall. We certainly don't care about your framed diploma from that liberal arts college in the middle of nowhere that you attended on a full ride. Definitely don't want to see any pictures from that mission trip to Nepal that you just won't shut the fuck up about.
And we definitely don't want to fucking hear you speak. Those daily lunch phone calls to your long-term boyfriend? Go and hang outside with the creepy old smokers of the office, and chat in their anguish-filled smoke. Because if I hear you say “I love you, more” just one more time while I'm enjoying my lukewarm tupperware lunch, I swear to God this stapler will be inches from you and your pretentious ego.
And don't come knocking on my equally small cubicle wall, either. Just because I accept all of your baked goods does not make us friends. I see the way you judge my occasionally low-cut shirt.
Yes, I have breasts. And I will let you wonder if they are or are not indeed fake because we will never be friends and you will never give me enough tequila to tell you otherwise.
We especially will never be friends if you keep ratting out all of us lowly plebeians of the office for being on Facebook and Instagram during work hours. Most days, or all days, I literally cannot look at another Excel spreadsheet without putting a Louboutin into my eyeball. I get on Facebook to remind myself how miserable everyone from my hometown is to make myself feel better, okay?
Stop volunteering to go participate on the company's 5K team on the weekends. I am too hungover for that shit. I cannot compete.
Stop remembering the birthdays of all of our coworkers and bosses. I am too poor for that shit.
Stop offering to stay late to finish your work. I am too sober for that shit.
And finally, just stop being you and your relentless ball of positive energy. I am exhausted just writing this.