Dear sender of the dreaded “Hey beautiful” text,
Thank you so much for pointing out the obvious. Did you also wake up this morning and thank the sun for rising?
In all seriousness, can you just like, not call me “beautiful”—like, ever? I’m not talking about my dad telling me I looked beautiful in my prom dress or like, my friend telling me I’m looking particularly beautiful on a certain day. I’m talking about the guys who I don’t really know who address me as “beautiful” as if it were the name my parents gave me. Sorry, try again, I’m not a stripper. Yet.
Here’s the deal. If I just met you (but like, probably not even if I know you), you cannot hit me with a “Hey beautiful” or “How’s your day, beautiful.” You just can’t. I’m repressing my gag reflex just writing that shit out. You know who says shit like “Good morning beautiful”? The construction workers I pass on the way to my office. The perps in Law & Order: SVU. In other words, fucking creeps. This might come as a shock, but I am not attracted to creeps. Sending me an unsolicited “hey beautiful” text is one of the quickest ways to earn yourself a coveted spot on my “Ignore Forever” list. Seriously, just try it. See how well it works out for you. Go ahead.
There are plenty of other ways you can compliment a woman that don’t involve making her want to vom. Like, try something specific to her and not just a blanket statement? Actually, no, never mind, I don’t want some bullshit “you have beautiful eyes” text from the guy I mistakenly gave my number to from Tinder. Better yet, how about we just resist the urge to start conversations with unnecessary comments about someone’s physical appearance, unless it makes sense in context? Like, you can say hi to someone or tell them good morning without having to add in “BTW I think you’re physically attractive and would like to have sex with you.” Would you want to wake up to that? No? Then neither do I. I can promise you, no woman wants this text from a guy she met out once at a bar. Just don’t do it. Unless you enjoy cock blocking yourself.
While we’re at it, if you have a penis, you should probably refrain from ending any sentence with “beautiful”—you know, just to be safe.
Obviously, none of this applies to Ryan Gosling or like, your boyfriend of 6+ months. All you other scrubs, cut it tf out. It’s creepy and gross.