How To Master The Strategic Drunken Vomit

Sometimes a betch will find herself at a pregame and just know she’s gotten a little bit ahead of herself. One minute everything is normal and tipsy and good, and the next the room is spinning and she’s seriously considering if it’s too early to call it a night. Her intentions were fair enough: to take 8 shots in the next 30 minutes so she didn’t need to buy any drinks at the bar. “Yeah I’m going to try to only get drinks from randos tonight because I don’t want my dad to see on his credit card that I’m going out on a Wednesday, again.”

Pregaming too hard can be an absolute game killer, a problem well known by the underage betch yet still a common occurrence for any betch that has under 10 years of drinking experience. So like, 24 year olds too. But luckily, betches throughout time have learned that there is hope: the strategic vomit.

No, the strategic vomit is not about bulimia, and it has nothing to do with staying skinny because its actual purpose is to expel from your body a little bit of alcohol so that you can consume a shit ton more later in the night and then most likely order pizza. It’s a worst-case scenario measure; the type of tactic that you only use when you know 4 glasses of water isn’t going to save you (and you wore a really cute outfit that you have already been photographed in, so you can’t just like, waste the outfit and go home).

Conducting a strategic vomit can be awkward, and sometimes, impossible. At an all betch pregame going into the bathroom and making loud coughing noises can really start some gossip, even if you already announced to everyone there that you have to do a strategic vom, “lol.” You would think that when you are amongst bros that it would be even harder to pull off, but they actually have a lot of respect for it. Apparently, men call it the puke and rally and every time they do it their penis grows.

Once you’ve executed a strategic vomit and you sense that you were getting shit talked while in the bathroom for being “an alcoholic,” “letting yourself go,” or worst of all, “not knowing how to hold your alcohol,” prove to everyone at the pregame that you’re still lucid and hilarious by asking fellow guests if they want to make out.