Welcome to the new edition of the Stoner Series, the Stoner News Roundup. A lot is happening in the world of marijuana legalization these days, and who better to keep you informed than the stoner betches?
Genius Girl Scout Sells Cookies to Potheads
We all know that the future of betchdom rests with America’s Girl Scouts. They practice everything we value most: exclusivity, matching outfits, forcing our parents to spend money on ridiculous projects that we only care about because all of our friends are doing it. Last week, one ingenious California girl set up shop outside of a weed dispensary to sell her sisterhood’s prized treasure—the Girl Scout Cookie. Let’s be clear, eating Girl Scout Cookies is disgusting and should definitely be avoided by any betch who doesn’t want to look like the Biggest Loser. When betches get the munchies they should stick to eating kale, arugula, or maybe Pinkberry if it’s after 8. But using keen entrepreneurial skills to sell Thin Mints to dumb stoners after they buy their “medicine”? Now that is smart business. Mad props little betch. Read article>>
Miley Cyrus Wants Us to Get High Like a Princess
Our girl Miley is not resting on her quest to make grimy look cool. News is that the merch table on her Bangerz tour is now selling 24-karat gold rolling papers for what the package calls “legal smoking herbs.” You know Billy-Ray made them put that on the box. Remember that episode of Hannah Montana when Miley got caught getting high with her 30-year-old redneck brother? Neither do we, but let’s agree that that would be the most hilarious episode ever. If only Miley weren’t too busy having sex with a life-size hotdog on stage, she could go back and make it happen. Until then, we’ll just be in the corner smoking an “herbal cigarette” out of this sheet of solid gold. Read article>>
Awesome Parents Treat Infant with Medicinal Marijuana
A couple in New York has decided to move to Phoenix so that their baby son can reap the benefits of medicinal marijuana. Why? Who the fuck cares? What a betchy way to respond to your baby’s medical issues than to say “fuck it, let’s get high at the Grand Canyon.” Apparently the little guy has severe epilepsy which his stoner parents think can be cured with some good old-fashioned blazing. We wish our parents responded this way when we were baby betches instead of force-feeding us shit-flavored Penicillin. So many calories. Read article>>