For this Bro Breakdown, we’re taking on a bro who’s spent most of his adult life so far in a daze: The Stoner Bro. A betch usually meets him in college after a party starts winding down and he invites you back to his room to do some bong hits. I can hear the bells.
Who: The Stoner Bro
What: The Stoner Bro is the bro who always has his heads in the clouds—but not like the cumulus ones. He’s more likely than not broke, carrying a few extra pounds from all his “cravings,” and hasn’t cut his hair since…well, probably since before the last time you cut yours.
When: Hopefully by the time official adulthood is reached, aka sometime near the thirties? That goes for both of you.
Where: His natural habitat includes his car, his mom’s basement, his dealer’s house, and the nearest Drive-Thru Taco Bell.
Who this guy is: I meannnn, we all know this guy. He’s never “in his right mind,” he’s got the hookup (Cheez-its and otherwise), he’s probably also Jewish with a wacky sense of humor. Oh wait did I just describe Seth Rogen? Well, if the Bob Marley shirt that hasn't been washed in three months fits…
If you’re friends: You’re probably also a Stoner Bro/Betch, otherwise, I literally don’t even know what you two would talk about.
If you’re dating (See below possibilities, it's like one of those Ghostbusters “choose your own ending” books):
If you smoke: Free weed for as long as you’re dating, so don’t fuck that up. Even if he has no ambition and works part time at a gas station, free weed is free weed.
If you don’t smoke: If you managed to get this guy to pledge his allegiance to any other woman but Mary Jane, that’s an accomplishment in and of itself, so that deserves a small pat on the back. Beware, though, because your relationship is going to consist entirely of you sitting around, watching him smoke various substances. Take it from me, your resident non-stoner betch (nothing personal I just get weirdly paranoid), it was not fun. Like imagine a waiting room, except you can smoke there, and maybe have sex afterwards, and that was the relationship in a nutshell. However the upside is that he will be so grateful of how much you’re saving him on weed money, and instead compensate by buying you other shit, like lots of alcohol.
Stoner Bros in pop culture: Seth Rogen, James Franco, Barack Obama circa the late 1970's, just about every rapper who ever lived, Shaggy (the Scooby Doo one but the “It Wasn’t Me” one prob works too).