Another week, another shit storm happening with the cast of Vanderpump Rules. It legit never fails. Whether it be someone banging someone they shouldn’t be banging or a shift in friend groups off-season, it really is the gift that keeps on giving. Like, get these kids an Emmy or something because they really know how to put together a quality TV show. The latest news revolves around Stassi and her on-again, off-again boyfriend breaking up again. I know what you’re all thinking… “Lisa Vanderbetch, this is hardly fucking news. Stassi and Patrick break up every other day.” But just keep reading. Shit gets good. If you don’t follow Stassi on Instagram, I highly recommend it because you can see this all play out in real time. But either way I’m about to tell you all about it, so buckle up, betches. Shit’s nuts.
It all started last week when Stassi posted a ‘Gram about her and Patrick’s fourth anniversary. And before you even ask, no I don’t have any fucking screenshots of this because it was deleted before anything exciting was happening, at least to the public’s knowledge. Sorry. But use your imagination. Everything seemed good and happy and very not Vanderpump Rules. Then on Saturday, all hell broke loose when Stassi posted these little gems.
DAYUMMM Patrick. That’s some serious fuckboy shit. Dumping your girlfriend on your anniversary sucks enough, but after she planned a romantic trip? Like, couldn’t you have held out another month, gotten a Mexican vacay out of it and not looked like a total dick? You’re making Jax out to be fucking boyfriend of the year. Also, who tf is this Aimee bitch? Like, you’re not wrong, but chill tf out. And what do you mean “same guy wearing different pants”? That’s not an expression. I’m from the south so I know all that shit and that’s not a thing. How do you know what pants they’re wearing in the first place? Are you banging Patrick? I’M ON TO YOU, AIMEE!
Tbh, I wouldn’t be shocked if Stassi planned this shit just so she could officially, without a doubt, be the Carrie of her group. Like, no one can say she’s the Miranda now. It’s kind of genius. Also, please note the entire supporting female cast of Southern Charm has commented. #BravoFam.
And just when I was starting to think that maybe Stassi would win this breakup and go to Mexico with her bestie and take hot Snaps and show Patrick he done fucked up, she decides to post a story fucking SOBBING about people saying they were rooting for her and Patrick. Like, huh? I get that’s not exactly what you wanna hear but it’s better than fucking Aimee on Twitter. Choose your battles, Stas. And don’t post how sad you are. You’re supposed to look like you DGAF, not like someone murdered your dog. What did you learn in school?
The rest of the weekend was more of the same depressing shit just at different locations, like the airport and now in Mexico. I’m not going to break it down anymore because it’s pretty much just her complaining. You know, standard Stassi stuff. I’ve included screenshots of the highlights so you can bask in the misery of another human being with me. She did manage to post an OOTD so like, all signs are pointing to survival. All I can say is she cannot take his sorry ass back after this… And Bravo better have gotten all of it on camera.