Starbucks' New Cold Brew Flavor Is So Disgusting

When you think “fun additions to your morning Starbucks order,” what comes to mind? Whipped cream? Peppermint flakes? Some form of caramel? Sure. All of that sounds like a good and reasonable option. You know what doesn’t sound as good? Beef jerky. But the fact that “beef jerky coffee” sounds literally stomach-churning to most normal humans is not stopping the innovative minds at Starbucks, who announced this week that they’ll be rolling out a new Pepper Nitro With a Jerky Twist at their flagship Seattle Roastery. Um…hard pass. Hard pass on beef jerky in your coffee. Hard pass on calling a Starbucks a “roastery.” Hard pass on every man, woman, and child involved in this decision-making. Go home, kids. Party’s over.

According to The Starbucks Newsroom—which we’ll also be adding to things we’re passing on today—the Pepper Nitro with a Jerky Twist is exactly what your coffee was missing:

“Pepper Nitro with a jerky Twist takes freshly ground Congo coffee, slow-steeped as cold brew and served onto a draft through a nitro tap, then infused with a sweet and savory malted fennel black pepper syrup. The beverage is topped with a layer of honey cold foam and finished with a sprinkling of cracked pink peppercorn and a bamboo skewer of natural beef jerky made with grass-fed beef.”

So that’s all interesting info, Starbucks, but it answers literally 0 of the 200+ questions I had when I first heard about beef jerky in coffee, the first of which was “but y tho?”

In Starbucks’ defense, they did attempt to answer the very pressing “Why, God, why?!” that would pop into anyone’s mind when hearing about a coffee with beef jerky in it. Their answer?

“We want to celebrate our passion for coffee, but also create the unexpected with flavors we know Roastery customers will love.”

Will they though, Starbucks?!? WILL THEY?!?! Who are the people who want to drink beef jerky? WHO?!? And once you’re beyond the fact that this “beverage” comes with a literal piece of meat inside it, then you can move onto the other disturbing elements of the Pepper Nitro, namely, the pepper. Who wants pepper in their coffee? This isn’t some fancy Brooklyn hipster bar. I don’t need your specialty cocktails!

Anyway, no word yet on when this monstrosity will be available outside Seattle, but I’ll be sticking to unsweetened iced coffee. Thanks. 

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.