A Note from the Betches: We don't give a shit about sports but our boyfriends do. Here's how to pretend you know what the fuck is going on in order to be that chill girl deserving of jewelry and Yankees box tickets where you can get drunk and see famous people and shit. Now on to the Head Pro.
I know, I know, betches don’t care about sports unless they’re banging a professional athlete, and even then they only pretend. But you know who does care about sports? The bros you love to (not) fuck (sometimes). I’ll keep these short, but here’s what the bros in your life will be bitching about this week.
Think baseball isn’t betchy? How about this: Tickets to game 3 of the NLDS (like the quarterfinals before the World Series) between the Washington Nationals and the St. Louis Cardinals were expensive as shit, the game was virtually inaccessible via public transit (the metro was a zoo), and the only way to watch it on TV was on the MLB Network, which is only available in high-end cable packages. Suck it, poor people.
Washington Nationals vs. St Louis Cardinals: My Nats got their asses kicked for the second game in a row, meaning they have to win game 4 in order to force a game 5. I’ll be attending, but in club-level seats because you know, status.
Baltimore Orioles vs. New York Yankees: The Baltimore Orioles are in the same spot against the New York Yankees. People in my area really want the Orioles to win for the possibility of a “Beltway World Series” against the Nats, which is just like a “Subway Series” between the Yankees and the Mets only with more shitty traffic. People from NY want the Yankees to win so they can be snobby about the pizza in another team’s city.
In the two series that no one cares about, the San Francisco Giants vs. the Cincinnati Reds, and the Detroit Tigers vs. the Oakland A’s are both tied at two games each. Do you know anyone from Detroit, Cincinnati, or Oakland? Me neither. San Francisco doesn’t count because its citizens are probably preoccupied with some fabulous runway shows and/or stoned out of their minds.
Many of the bros on your campus/pros in your office will be talking about their fantasy leagues, which is where you pick certain players and score points based on their performance. You don’t need to worry about that, because you will never understand. Still, here are the games this week worth knowing about.
Detroit Lions vs. Philadelphia Eagles: Teams from two of America’s deepest shitholes will duke it out to see which team has a legitimate shot of going anywhere this year. Michael Vick is the quarterback for the Eagles, so it’s still okay to make dog fighting jokes. Example: “If anyone has a dog in this fight between these two teams, it’s Michael Vick.” See? It’s easy. Also of note is that Matt Stafford, the quarterback for the Lions, was voted as one of the NFL’s frattiest QBs by Buzzfeed. The poofs at Buzzfeed wouldn’t know fratty if it smacked them with a pledge paddle, but still. Game on, brah.
Washington Redskins vs. Minnesota Vikings: DC bros will be un-knotting their ties and kicking off their inappropriate-for-a-suit slipon square-toed shoes to watch in hopes of convincing themselves that their team doesn’t suck. Expect to hear lots of talk about Robert Griffin (or “RG3”), who suffered a concussion last week. That’s important because if he has a bad game, everyone will blame it on that. Minnesota is pretty mediocre in all facets of the game but still somehow managed a record of 4-1. Washington has one of the best offenses in football, but their defense is composed entirely of JV high school football rejects and/or cardboard cutouts of real players.
Green Bay Packers vs. Houston Texans: Green Bay is an annual powerhouse, but sucks this year with a record of 2-3. Still, that doesn’t stop every game announcer from verbally fellating Aaron Rodgers (Green Bay’s quarterback) and treating them like an undefeated team. Houston is, in fact, undefeated, despite usually being terrible and being called the Texans. Fun thing to do that will endear you to bros: Any time the Houston defense sacks (tackles) Aaron Rodgers, shout “hey Aaron, can I get a discount double-check on that?” Solid gold.
New York Giants vs. San Francisco 49ers: Two fratty quarterbacks, two great defenses. Actually I expect this one to be pretty boring, so maybe skip this one. I’ll be watching because this game has some serious playoff implications, but I doubt any of you want to see two teams play boring football between their own 30 yard lines.