Lord Save Us All, Spencer Pratt And Heidi Montag Are Reproducing

On the list of couples who should absolutely not be producing offspring, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are at least in the top five, right after Sami and Ronnie and Justin Bieber and anyone. But sadly for all of us, the day we all knew would eventually happen has finally come to pass: Speidi is pregnant. I guess they’ve come a long way from appearing on Marriage Boot Camp season 4, or at least, let’s hope so for the child’s sake. According to Spencer (who is about 9 months away from getting his very own World’s Most Reviled Dad T-shirt), he was “half asleep” when Heidi broke the big news. According to Pratt, Heidi was “literally glowing. I thought she was about to say she made muffins or banana bread.”

Okay so pause. You thought your newly pregnant wife of eight years looked so happy because she had just made you muffins? I guess in a way a baby is kind of like the greatest baked good of all, but still, ain’t nobody ever heard of a “banana bread glow.” Sounds like you were just hungry, Spenc.

Heidi, who is now 30 years old and has an entirely new face, told Us Weekly that she is currently 12 weeks along and due October 12th—which I’m pretty sure is the day the Mayans predicted the world would end, so it looks like we’re right on track. Heidi also told Us that she was “overwhelmed” in the moment, though she did not mention bread, banana or otherwise.

To the question “Are you pampering Heidi?” Spencer responded “I’m doing dishes!” which is an obvious lie considering that Spencer and Heidi have never done their own dishes a day in their lives. But maybe he meant to say, “I’m making sure the help does all the extra dishes we’re going to have now that Heidi is eating for two”? Also, is that really your response to a reporter asking how well you’re taking care of your pregnant wife? Like, you couldn’t even make up a lie about giving her a foot rub or something? Good Lord, Spencer, can you not even pretend to be an acceptable mate? 

So what does this mean for Speidi’s future—apart from the fact that Heidi will probably go immediately from the birthing room to the liposuction table in order to get her pre-baby body back while Spencer gets fatter by the second? Well, according to Spencer, Heidi has “wanted to be a mom since the day I met her” and “she has planned for and thought about this”—so, like anything that has ever been important to Heidi in her life, her husband will inevitably destroy it. Cue Spencer getting jealous of the baby one week out and making Heidi choose between them.

So if Heidi has wanted a baby for so long, why did the couple wait? Well, as Heidi explained to US, up until now the couple had “work obligations” such as Celebrity Big Brother in the U.K., which she “did not want to be pregnant for.” What a sweet birth story. Can’t wait for their baby to eventually ask how it was born and for Heidi to explain that “When two people love each other very much, and don’t need to be skinny for any television engagements, then a little miracle is born!”

While of course we all wish the new family the best of luck (do we, though?), this news is probably more than a little alarming to The Hills fans who have not yet forgotten the multiple baby related freakouts Spencer had on the show, or the time he called Heidi’s mom “just a vagina!” Anybody want to take me up on a bet that Spencer brings Audrina into the birthing room as a pre-baby power play? Either way, I think we can all smell a new Baby Pratt-based reality show in the making, which is great because we all need a new show to hate-watch right now. 

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.