I’m back from my Governors Ball hangover (review coming soon for anyone who cares) to write this godforsaken Southern Charm recap. And does anybody appreciate me? No. Well ok that’s a lie. Some of you do. Keep inflating my ego with your comments. I promise, they don’t go unnoticed.
Thomas is having a birthday party in the park for Saint.
At Craig and Naomie’s, Naomie is painting Craig’s toes, which I think is a metaphor for their relationship. Landon won’t be at the party. Looks like Kathryn was invited after all and I totally missed that last episode. Do I care? No.
Kathryn says “This is the new me.” So I will now start taking bets to see how long before she starts screaming and cursing and throwing things. An episode? Two? You may now place your wagers in the comments section.
Patricia and Cameran are riding together. Patricia’s talking shit like “it must be embarrassing to have to come to your own son’s birthday party as a guest.” I mean, yeah. It must be. But still that’s kinda rude.
Kathryn and Thomas hug, so far so good. They do the “Hey stranger! You look great” thing all exes do.
Kenzie is drinking sweet tea? Isn’t this child like, 3 years old at most? Getting major Honey Boo Boo flashbacks.
Thomas: Thank you for your letter.
Kathryn: Thank you for your letter.
Thomas: You’re welcome. Thank you for thanking me.
Kathryn: I appreciate that.
JD rolls up and immediately asked Thomas if he and Kathryn are talking and he’s basically like “Well we just talked 2 minutes ago so ya I guess you could say that.”
Damn Patricia is shady af walking in the opposite direction of Kathryn. This park isn’t that big. It is very obvious what she’s doing.
Naomie and Craig roll through. Chelsea and Austen. Shep is alone, as usual.
Andddd the awkward silence stretches out so long that I go to the bathroom and come back. Kathryn being like “where’s Kenzie?” anytime things get awkward is me at parties when there’s a dog.
Patricia: I have no intention of having a conversation with Kathryn. There are people that are hurricane and tornado trackers, but I’m not one of them.
Patricia leaves as they are singing happy birthday. She doesn’t even say hi or bye to Kathryn, which is pretty fucking rude. I’m sorry Patricia. I love you, but come on. It is the child’s mother! You could just say hi. It probably wouldn’t kill you.
Everyone is talking about how wonderful Thomas and Kathryn are being. I wish the bar for my life was set that low.
Later on, Landon is seeing Jennifer for lunch (god, do these people have jobs?) who says the party was “really awkward.”
Landon: Patricia thinks I should date Thomas.
Jennifer: Well maybe someone LIKE Thomas.
Landon: Well Thomas and I went to dinner and the whole reason I went to dinner was to tell him I didn’t want a relationship.
Hm, then I guess we watched different dinners. Jennifer is like “well it couldn’t hurt to try.” Um, have you met Kathryn? It could hurt to try. Like physically hurt in the form of bodily harm.
Jennifer: It’s something to think about. Or don’t think about it and just do it.
Landon: That’s the best advice I’ve ever heard!
Jennifer’s face is like “this dumb bitch.”
Thomas goes over to Patricia’s. Patricia’s like “Thomas, do you think Saint had fun?” Thomas is like “Bitch he’s one year old he didn’t know WTF was going on.”
I love how Patricia pretends to act surprised when Thomas tells her about his date with Landon. As if it wasn’t her idea in the first place.
Patricia’s telling Thomas to “call on” Landon and buy her flowers. Her big suggestion? “Why don’t you take Landon for a walk?” Who said chivalry is dead, amirite? This is like, almost as bad as being asked to hang out on a guy’s stoop.
Cameran goes to her therapist because she wants to have kids now. She’s like “I feel like I’m too self-involved. I don’t want to be that self-involved because it’s gross.” The therapist is like “What changed your mind?”
Cameran: Well I went to a party and there was this psychic and she said I’m gonna have a kid, so.
Therapist: Bitch are you fucking kidding.
Austen and Chelsea are going crabbing. It’s fucking weird because literally everyone else on this show goes to lunch for 99% of their interactions and then you have these two whose idea of a good time is to act out challenges from Survivor.
Austen: The difference between mine and Shep’s love life is I have class and he doesn’t.
If someone took me to catch crabs on a date I’d be like:
Landon’s at her house thinking of a new name for her website (because her current name is already taken) and I SHIT YOU NOT one of her ideas is “Wayfarer.” Hmm sounds like a nice name! A really nice name for maybe like, an online furniture company or something. You know, just spitballing here.
Landon’s intern has been up since 2am and Thomas rolls up so Landon’s like “K bye I’m gonna go on a walk with Thomas!” Give this intern a raise.
Thomas and Landon go on a walk with the dog. OH I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.
Landon: I couldn’t believe the lady the other night!
Yeah me either it’s almost like she was an obvious plant by the producers.
Thomas is like “well why not just give it a shot?”
Landon: Well what do we do from here?
What do you mean? You didn’t decide anything except to go get wine.
Craig takes Naomie out for a surprise and she’s like “OK but can we get food first?” Me af.
Craig is taking Naomie to his new house that he’s buying and her first words are “Yeah I didn’t think Craig was gonna do it.” Tell me again how much therapy is helping you guys.
Naomie: I’m very proud of you for not blowing it.
Cameran’s going to have a birthday party and will invite Kathryn, so keep that on your radar BTW.
Shep shows up to Chelsea’s. He’s moving out of his house apparently and is like “I’m changing.”
Chelsea: What’s changing other than your zip code?
Shep be like:
Chelsea is saying that things with her and Austen are good.
Shep: Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.
Shep: I snoozed and I lost. What was I thinking.
Chelsea is like “idk what to tell you man.” Same. It’s a little pathetic… like you don’t tell the girl to her face that you regret not shooting your shot sooner.
Cam is at a house and Shep is supposed to meet her there, I guess. He’s nowhere to be found.
Cam: My intuition tells me Shep is either in jail or still in bed.
Is it intuition or is it basic logic?
Cam calls Chelsea to ask where Shep is, trying to make it sound like he spent the night there. Spoiler alert: He didn’t. He went out drinking with his cousins. WHAT A SURPRISE.
Cam walks into Shep’s house and there’s still a drink on the table, which is a good sign. As is like, an entire frat party’s worth of booze. She goes to open his bedroom door.. big mistake… he’s in bed. Alone. Hungover af.
Cam tells Shep he needs to “have self-control” and “just say no.” She’ll be such a good mom.
Cam’s like “I wanted to make sure you’re not dead.” Shep’s like “I’m not not dead.” Same, honestly.
That’s it for this week. Catch you all next time.