Southern Charm Recap: Can They Get Any More White?

I have emerged from my two-day hangover solely to write this week’s recap. Guess killing brain cells is one of my hobbies now.

When we left off I wasn’t sure if I was Team Kathryn or Team Whitney, and I don’t think that’s ever going to get resolved tbh. However, I did just notice Kathryn’s facial expression in the opening sequence more or less sums up her entire personality.

Thomas and JD, back at it again with the polo. Cause that ended really well the last time. Can they get any more white?

Whitney has some fruit salad and is making coffee and Larissa’s like, “men who cook are very sexy.” If that’s cooking, I’m about to be the next winner of Top Chef.

Whitney trying to explain what “going steady” means to Larissa is pretty hilarious tho.

Kathryn and—Kody? Corey? Fuck, I forget—are getting a seaweed facial or some shit, AKA Bravo is pampering them so they can talk shit in style. Nice.

Kathryn is bummed that once she has her baby she has to go home alone with her two children.

Kathryn: I’m a 24-year-old soon-to-be mother of two. If you don’t think I’m overwhelmed and nervous then you don’t think.

Wow that was like, unnecessarily aggressive Kath.

Cooper? Cooper! Calls Thomas a 50-year-old playboy and is like, “You better check yoself before you wreck yoself, girl.”

Cooper: Instead of letting it frustrating you I just say let it strengthen you.

Cooper is the moral compass this show needs.

Meanwhile Thomas is sipping bourbon with JD on his porch because Kathryn really needs him.

JD: How’s the baby?
Thomas: The doctor said fine…
JD looks skeptical, because I’m sure he knows better than a trained doctor.

JD: Kathryn moving up the due date seems awfully peculiar…seems suspect.

JD is a regular Hardy Boy over here.

JD: I think women don’t like being asked for paternity tests.


JD is like, “if it were me I’d want a paternity test” and Thomas is like, “yeah, it couldn’t hurt to double-check real casually.” It’s clear he’s forgotten who he’s about to have a kid with because Kathryn is NOT going to be down with Thomas basically accusing her of slutting it up and then trying to trap him into fatherhood. JUST SAYING.

It’s date night with Craig and Naomie. Craig chooses going to L.A. over the biggest event for his company, because he’s never been to L.A. before. And Craig wonders why he’s not allowed to head a bourbon division. I don’t foresee this ending well AT ALL. Craig, you’re a fucking idiot and for once Naomie is in the right to tell you you’re fucking up.

Craig: Do you see how hard I’m trying to justify this?

Yeah, because you KNOW YOU’RE IN THE WRONG. That’s literally what justification is.

Cameran and Landon meet up for a candle-making class and I am kind of jealous because that low-key sounds fun. Landon’s explaining her travel guide to Cam, so I’m going to take a quick nap.

Cameran: I think it’s hard for Landon bc she was a typical Southern stereotype of the woman who got married young and was taken care of and she doesn’t have that anymore.

Wait, how is this the first I’m hearing of this failed first marriage? How has this NEVER come up before this season??

Cameran: So any man prospects?
Landon: IDK not really it’s kind of sad and pathetic.

Landon is like “I just go on one or two dates and I’m like, nah.” Same tho.

Cameran: Do you think the reason you’re not meeting anyone is because you want something to work out with Shep?
Landon: …Yeah

Cameran and I are both like, FINALLY!

*Cue a montage of them looking really couple-y* I’m rooting for you guys!

Landon brings up every middle schooler’s dilemma which is that if she dates Shep, then she’ll lose him as a friend. Can we get like, a violin quartet to score some melodramatic music or something?

Craig and Shep make it to L.A. and Whitney’s bachelor pad is sick. I guess this is what that Bravo money gets you. On an unrelated note, I have a very compelling idea for a new reality show, if you wanna get on board Bravo, I’ll get you in at the ground level.

Craig: I would’ve had FOMO if I hadn’t gotten to come out here…so…thanks.

Whitney: Meh whatevs

Whitney: #NewCraig has taken on this persona that’s like, not chill dude.

Whitney basically lets it go with the caveat that he may never fully trust Craig again. Eh, I’m sure they’ll be fine.

Shep: You know when you’re perfectly drunk and you’re really good at pool?
Is that like when I’m really drunk and I think I’m really good at dancing?

Classic Shmosby.

Larissa crashes the boys’ weekend which is not at all chill. Larissa is, I guess, the WGG of the group.

Shep: Should I change? I don’t want to look all fratty and Southern.

Well that ship sailed like, approximately 36 years ago. Whitney makes a joke about waking up in the morning covered in blood and vomit. Was he secretly with me and my friends this weekend? Unclear. V. possible.

These two slutty-looking blondes show up and Shep is in fucking heaven. Craig low-key wants to kill himself.

Whitney: The goofy, disarming thing works in Charleston but not so much in L.A.

I’m sorry, Whitney, but who you callin goofy? You’re not exactly a chiseled Greek god over there. Whitney takes a casual shot at Craig’s bourbon knowledge, or lack thereof, and now that he’s gotten that off his chest this friendship is back on track.

The aftermath of Whitney’s party looks a lot like the scene I dealt with Sunday morning. So, like, maybe they really were there.

Whitney: The marker of a good boys’ weekend is a pool of vomit with a partially digested meatball in the middle.

Whitney talks about how Shep didn’t get any last night and Whitney said he “had a meeting with Hand Solo” which made me LOL.

Shep’s like, “even hall-of-famers have slumps, what can I say” and I’m getting soooo mf sick of this trope. I am convinced Shep just acts this way because y’all expect him to be a fuckboy and nobody challenges him or holds him to a higher standard. Also, there’s just no way his dick game’s that good. THERE IS NO WAY.

JD is on the phone with Paula and SURPRISE, Craig basically didn’t do shit for this festival yet still wants to be head of the bourbon division. The entitlement is strong with this one. Craig’s phone is dead, party casualty, so JD is calling around to all Craig’s friends like the angry dad he is. Did I mention this was dumb af, Craig?

Also, LMAO at how hungover they all look. Their hangovers are giving me life.

Craig: I just feel like I’m being used to do all the bitchwork and it’s annoying.
I lied, THIS is the whitest thing to happen on this show.

Shep: People take work too seriously. What happened to just drinking beer and laughing your balls off?

Yeah Shep, I think this may be why your restaurant is struggling to pay the rent.

Thomas and Kathryn are discussing the ins and outs of labor, which I will file away for future knowledge. Thomas calls Kathryn an expert at giving birth which is like, kind of rude lol. But I guess also accurate?

Kathryn’s opening up to Thomas about being alone this time around, looking up at him with big doe eyes, and Thomas is like, “Hold on it’s my decorator I’ve gotta take this.” SHUT DOWN.

Thomas: The timing is really bad for me, could you just like, not give birth rn?

Kathryn: That’s why I like having you around, you’re like a calming presence IDK why.

Kathryn, do you know what calming means? I’m starting to think not.

Back at Whitney’s, some massage therapist named Megan shows up, and Shep clearly has a boner.

Shep: So you’re gonna give us all massages now?

Megan: It’s like holding space to really connect more with yourself.

Shep is blatantly sexually harassing this poor girl. JFC. This is so creepy. Tone it the fuck down.

JD & Co. is launching his bourbon line at Charleston Cup, this horse race in Charleston. Craig is nowhere to be found, shockingly.

JD: Work isn’t all roses and cherries. Sometimes it’s dirt and trenches.

I’m putting that on a needlepoint for my office.

Shep’s not going because his grandpa died. OK that’s actually like, very sad. My condolences.

We will now resume with our regularly scheduled program of shit-talking.

Craig is taking forever to get ready—Craig and Chad from The Bachelorette are both the secret Betches interns.

Craig is hungover with an upset stomach and a sinus infection, which is literally what happens to me every time I drink. AKA right now. We’ll get through this, Craig. Emergen-c and green tea all mf day.

Cam’s like, “I don’t normally start drinking this early but I’m cold, sooo…”

Craig apparently slept in and didn’t do anything to help JD set up. Which, I’m not surprised by, but again, is a really bad move for when you’re trying to show initiative.

Cameran: #NewCraig is starting to run its course because at this point he’s becoming #OldCraig

Danni’s dropping some random whiskey fun facts and Craig is like, “I literally do not care at all.” Fuck the bourbon division, I’m not sure Craig is qualified to have any job at Gentry HQ, PERIOD. How the fuck is he going to be a lawyer if he never wants to do work? He’s gonna have a rude awakening if he ever makes it to first-year associate (I have heard).

Craig is there for all of two minutes and is already like, “fuck this I’m leaving.”

Oh JK Craig didn’t actually leave. JD gives a speech and what do you wanna bet Craig is gonna get shafted in this thank-you speech?

Wait for it…..

BOOM. SHAFTED. I called it.

Cameran is so into this race it’s scary. How much money did she put down on that horse? Judging by her reaction to losing, I’d say a lot.

Once again JD is dressed like a 1920’s fat cat. Live your truth, JD.

JD’s like, “Craig you disappointed me” and Craig is like, “I mean I TEXTED you that I’m dying, IDK what you want me to say.”

JD: Do you think you should have gone out of town?
Craig: I mean I’ve never had to give up a trip for a job so…

Oh boy, Craig. I fear for you in the real world. I really do.

At Kathryn’s, she and Thomas are eating dinner. Kathryn’s going into labor tomorrow morning. I hope they don’t actually film her birth. That would be kind of fucked.

Thomas: I want to have a traditional family, hear the shnookums running around, hear the house fill with laughter.

Lol, “shnookums” only makes me think of one thing:

Thomas: I still love Kathryn, I care about her but I’m afraid a day of reckoning is forthcoming.


Kathryn asks Thomas how he feels and he says he’s apprehensive and she’s like, BRUH, YOU FEEL APPREHENSIVE?!

Kathryn: If I say anything mean to you tomorrow just give me a free pass.

OK that’s fair, she is giving birth and all.

Kathryn gets up and eats some generic brand Lucky Charms before giving birth. I take it all back, she really is struggling with money.

OK low blow. Sorry. Kind of.

Seeing the sheer amount of diapers in Kathryn’s house is enough to make me never forget to take my birth control. 

Thomas: For some reason, maybe through divine intervention we were brought together. Steven Spielberg I believe said, “I’ve made a lot of movies, but my greatest creation of all was a child.”

So I wonder at what point Thomas is gonna be like “So yeah I know you just gave birth and all, but can I just do a paternity test?” Who am I kidding, they’re gonna drag that out at least over the course of another epsiode.

OK enough shit-talking from me. That baby is cute. What did they name him?? How they gonna leave us hanging like that?


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