You Had To Drink To Get Through It: State Of The Union Recap

Wait, did the State of the Union end last night or not? I’m not totally sure, because it seemed like it was set to last for an eternity. Clocking in at about an hour and a half, this marks the longest one since… well, Trump’s last one. So, let’s unpack wtf went down. Because I love drama, I immediately realized that this one was notable for two reasons. The first, this was the first State of the Union since the Democrats won the House during the 2018 Midterm Elections (Thank Effing God). But what’s even better, this SOTU for Trump was kind of like seeing all of your frenemies at the same party who you know want to date your boyfriend, and also have a lot more in common with your boyfriend. That’s because he’s staring down 2020 hopefuls like Cory Booker, Kristen Gillibrand and Kamala Harris.

There was a lot of bullsh*t and insanity mentioned in this feature length equivalent of a phone call that could of been an e-mail. Weird how an hour and a half is my dream length for a film, but my nightmare length for watching our president speak. Because you probably had to use the bathroom, make a wine run, or you know, just chose to watch YouTube clips of Stacey Abrams in preparation for her amazing rebuttal to the State of the Union instead of watching this — here’s what you missed, broken down by how much wine I had to get through all of it.

First Pour

Like I said, this basically was just the pregame for the main event: AKA the Democratic response starring Stacey Abrams. It’s sort of like the party you have to go to, because you promised your friends but also figured eh it’s closer to the more exciting party so you’ll be able to take a cheaper Lyft anyway.

The major move made was that all of the women arrived in matching white pant suits. Since this is the first time ever that there are this many women in Congress, this color move honors the legacy of women’s suffrage in the United States. I feel so bad for the one senator who probably didn’t get the text and had to run to a nearby J.Crew Factory and find something on sale. Side Note: Tiffany Trump notably also wore white, raising the question if she did this intentionally to support the women in Congress or if she just thought a picture in that dress would look good on her Instagram feed.

Also, does anyone else get major Raquel-from-Vanderpump-Rules-vibes from Melania? Should DJ James Kennedy run with Kanye in 2020? Dear lord no.

And with a Hunger Games style shout, POTUS enters and takes his place, looking exactly like a boy about to flub through the Torah at his Bar Mitzvah. I already regret not drinking more before this.

Drink One

Off the bat, he’s talking about “unlimited potential” between the two parties coming together as one nation.

IMHO unlimited potential = he’s basically the ex begging to take you back. Literally, he is like the guy who cheats on you and then says, wait, we can just have a threesome with the girl she’s actually super cool and also listens to Best Coast. You then realize you just want to be friends with that girl and get rid of him.

This speech is truly the last paragraph of any essay you wrote in high school: just repeating the same three points over and over again in different ways in an attempt to sound smart and like he did the assignment. And to think Stephen Miller actually worked hard on this.

Drink Two

Trump clearly took notes from Taylor Swift: when people are kinda pissed at you, just bring HAIM out on stage and hope for the best. And for Trump, HAIM is Buzz Aldrin.

He then shifts his attention to talk about the D-Day survivors there who were all half asleep, which, same. One of them shook his hand out at him and I immediately wondered: WHAT DID THAT HAND SHAKE MEAN? WHAT DO U MEAN? – JUSTIN BIEBER.

Back to Buzz Aldrin: what’s worse — sitting through this speech of the movie First Man? At least with the film, you have Claire Foy and a large fountain Diet Coke to keep you sane.

Trump truly shifts around more than me that time I did Adderall at my friend’s 21st birthday party and tried to tell myself, “I won’t die if I keep dancing, right?” While I didn’t die, I probably did talk in circles to someone for 1.5 hours non-stop.

He keeps bringing up the phrase ‘21st century,’ because he truly thinks it’s impressive to know what century it is. Kind of like how he said he wants to focus on helping the middle class, which I can only imagine will go as well as Lucille Bluth buying a banana.

Drink Three/Major Moment of Appreciation For AOC’s Hoops and Zero F*cks

Oh wait, so NOW he’s against pointless destruction? So does that mean he’s finally over trying to destroy the land his wall would go, and also stop destroying families? Hmm.

He literally called the economy “hot” and all I can think is “Economy, so hot right now. Economy.” Of course the “hot” economy only applies you’re a billionaire. Oh, I’m sorry Howard Schultz, I mean if you’re a “person of means.” He says the economy is doing so well because unemployment has reached an all time low. A statistic Trump had as much to do with as the band All Time Low.

And because it wouldn’t be a night for Republicans if they don’t sh*t on Obamacare in some capacity, we got that name checked. This was also the part of the speech where we really got to see our girl AOC shine in full hoops, a blazer that is also a cape (!!!) and an expression that says, “I literally hate you so much.”

Switching To Tequila

There reached a certain point that his speech really became an improv show. “America is winning each and every day” = that’s not a policy, that’s just a quote from Tumblr. Just switch out “America is” for “You are”’ and it’ll make its way on to a TJ Maxx frame in no time.

The chanting of USA after him saying that “The State of Our Union is strong” immediately transported me to Turtle Bay, and I’m expecting the government to pay for my emotional Uber home.

At this point he literally starts rhyming with the line “if thre’s going to be peace and legislation, there cannot war and investigation!” Excuse me did he just start rapping? Did he fire Stephen Miller and hire Nicki Minaj instead? Honestly not a bad idea actually…

Interesting that he brings up both criminal justice and big pharma, two of the hot ticket issues for the Democratic tickets on Kamala Harris and Cory Booker, respectively. I guess we’re letting the subtle debates begin.

And then we get to the best/only good part of the speech where he LOW-KEY REFERENCES KIM KARDASHIAN as ‘the friend’ who brought Alice Johnson to his attention. I’m 100% sure Kris Jenner is storming Washington as we speak to rectify her not family not being mentioned by name. Also, did you catch Jared Kushner looking at Johnson like “just show an emotion… show an emotion” but I guess his software didn’t automatically update overnight so he was just stuck with ‘stares blankly.’ Cool move!

These laws harmed the African American community. Yeah, that’s kind of your parties thing.

More Tequila While Stalking My Ex On Instagram

And we’re at the wall. Trump: There’s ten days left to pass a bill that would fund government, protect homeland and secure dangerous border. He then goes on to mention coyotes, because why not. Something tells me he’s one day away from hiring 525,600 troops to just stand at the border. Tinashe, please stop this.

Also, idea: if Trump wants everyone to come in legally, can he please broadcast himself taking the American Citizen’s test? If he can answer even one question properly I’ll deport myself.

He then goes on to say people that aren’t for the wall don’t care about the country because they’re living their lives BEHIND WALLS! EFF EVERY DEMOCRAT NOT LIVING IN A TENT!

Smashed My Glass of Tequila On the Floor

How dare he bring up sexual assault victims and try to use them to promote his agenda. Like truly, keep sexual assault victims’ names out your mouth unless you’re apologizing to your own, k?

Trump: One in three women are sexually assaulted on the long journey north — uhm, pretty sure one in three people on your staff have sexually assaulted women before. At least.

His other fear with the wall is that people are going to keep streaming in — I guess he also watched the Fyre Festival docs too.

Oh, he feels that his proper wall never got built, just like how my last order from ASOS never arrived. Glad neither of us are over either.

Walls Work: coming to HGTV this fall.

Realized It’s Only Tuesday So Switched To Drunk Snacks

Obsessed with the women raising the roof for themselves, and mad at any person trying to take credit for it besides them. Also, glad Ivanka took clapping lessons from Nicole Kidman.

His main goals are about cars and walls, which really makes me think he’d rather be playing with LEGOs than be here right now, which we’d also rather have him do. I guess after seeing Lindsay Lohan on Lohan’s Beach Club he decided we need another Herbie Fully Loaded with the four words he loves (but took 10 seconds to remember): Made in the USA.

He then mentioned how he wants hospitals and pharmaceutical companies to list real prices to foster competition and bring costs down. Okay, so now you text your weed guy and I’ll text my guy and we’ll start a group chat.

Melania looks awkward as hell next to the child cancer survivors, but Grace is amazing and doing better than the President already.

Poured Another Drink Just to Throw It

Now he’s talking about abortion, because there’s nothing Republicans love to do more than tell a woman what they can’t do. He rips into a New York legislation that he said will “allow a baby to be ripped from the mother’s womb before birth.” I guess the majority of those fifteen executive hours per day are spent watching Game of Thrones, cause no law passed in this year would let that happen. The law he’s referring to allows healthcare practitioner’s to perform abortions on patients who may be at risk or have other factors that could lead to an abortion being the best-case solution.

Trump talking about Russia is very much Carrie talking about Mr. Big — and it seems like right now she’s moving onto Aiden and forgetting Putin, but we all know how that series ends.

Trump: There hasn’t been a missile launch in fifteen months which I feel is the political equivalent of those signs that say “three days accident free.” Cool… but I’m terrified.

Trump: If I wasn’t president we’d be in a war with other countries

This is actually a line from the new remix for Halsey’s Without Me. Also he could have ended the sentence at “if I wasn’t president” and just let us all live in that reality for a little while.

“Great nations do not fight endless wars…” can someone please give Trump a history textbook about uh, any of our wars?

Poppin’ 2 Advils & Doing A Face Mask

Basically, this was kind of like the Golden Globes but instead of people getting more drunk as the night progresses, everyone just gets angrier by how many times he contradicts himself.

He started to spiral, there was a loud, disorganized happy birthday sing-a-long happening and he feels its time to reignite the American imagination, so I guess I’ll see you all in class for our MFAs?

TL;DR we can sum up our reaction to the whole thing with this GIF:


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I don’t buy it

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Danny Murphy
Danny Murphy
Danny Murphy is a comedian and writer who lives, laughs, and gets his credit card declined in New York. His writing appears in Glamour, Marie Claire & Cosmopolitan and he performs standup wherever people will let him shout at them.