Sorority Letters: Dear Rebecca of DG at UMD

So we got an email this morning from someone at an unnamed school telling us that the email below was posted on their sorority Facebook group and that we should DEF write about it. At first we were like, what is this bullshit!? It's so long! But upon skimming it and noticing the prevalence of caps lock, the words “are you fucking retarded,” and the phrase “cunt punt,” we just had to take a closer look.

Apparently the Greek Week Chair of DG at University of Maryland who we are assuming is named Rebecca got very angry at her chapter for not mixing with their partner Sigma Nu – or rather being so fucking boring while mixing with Sigma Nu – that she sent out this strongly worded letter to her loving sisters. We know Gawker and other sites have already posted about it but it was too good to ignore.

Read it below then read our thoughts after:

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride. For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu.

I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Rebecca, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself. I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM.

This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.

This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said “Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

“But Rebecca!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what's kickball?” is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?

Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

“Ohhh Rebecca, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you: DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT. I'm not fucking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER.

I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober”, then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me. And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck.

Go fuck yourself.

Oh Rebecca, the hardships of being Greek Week chair while ODing on steroids must be taking a toll on your emotions. But… why so serious? I mean what IS kickball really? Is it baseball? Is it dodgeball? What ARE the rules? But we digress…In our college years we have personally written very harshly worded emails to our entire sorority telling them how much they suck but managed to not get our emails published on large online publications. How? By not acting like raging lunatics. “But betches!” you say in your cute little Rebecca-y voice, “Help me! my reputation is dunzo! I will be laughed at for the months and events to follow!” Yes, Rebecca you probably will. But here's the thing, we at Betches Love This didn't join Greek Life to make new friends, we did it so that we could meet new people to drugs with in addition to getting 60+ new girls every year to make fun of. So let us back you up…

1. If the girls in your sorority don't want to get fucked up during pregames and fuck the brothers of Sigma Nu during after hours you have a sisterly right to tell them they can't sit with you.

2. I'm not sure as Greek Chair that one of your responsibilities includes physically assaulting your sisters (therefore you should double check the guidelines) but if it's listed then we say, go for it, beat this girls to the fucking floor. They were sober! HOW DARE THEY NOT DRINK AND JUST STAND THERE TALKING TO THEIR FRIENDS. You better fuck them up. Throw them in the chokey. 

3. And you're right Becks, we don't give a shit about sportsmanship either, but cheering for the other team is COMPLETELY uncalled for. Even if some of your sisters have family members on the opposing team and one of them happens to be in a wheelchair and the opposing team really wanted to let them play in the game and do the best that they could….you were right to yell at your sisters. They should be telling those cripples to GET ROLL THE FUCK OFF THE FIELD! IT'S DG's TURN.

In conclusion, tonight's event will be all sorts of fun for you seeing as your attendance is probably mandatory…so, embrace it. Look hot, give the president of Sigma Nu an amazing blow job, and just get fucked up. If there's one thing we've learned from your letter it's that you are definitely a chill laid back girl who loves to have a good time.

The Betches


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