If you follow me on Twitter (which I’m pretty sure is a mandate they snuck into Obamacare), you know that baseball season turns me gayer than the entire cast of “Jersey Boys.” I love it, and I love it because baseball as an institution is so batshit crazy. The sport has been around basically since the birth of Christ, and yet they haven’t made a major rule change or update since fucking Nixon was in office. For an example, that little pommel on the end of the bat actually causes a lot of wrist injuries when players swing. Since a baseball bat is essentially just a fucking club and, like everything else in baseball, hasn’t been updated since the repeal of prohibition, it took someone approximately 30 seconds to develop a model that dramatically reduced injuries. Is every player now using it? FUCK no, because baseball is magic and ballplayers are the most superstitious people on earth. It’s utterly insane, and I love it.
I know most betches don’t share my passion for baseball, and that’s a shame. They say it’s boring, but what’s better than a sport that you don’t actually have to pay attention to? Plus, have you ever watched from a corporate box or suite? You get unlimited food and drink. UNFUCKINGLIMITED! I think last time I did that I ate about 3 hotdogs, a hundred chicken wings, and at least a dozen Studweisers. Someone could have been gangraping my entire family in front of me, and I wouldn’t have cared. Barring that, there’s something very boho-chic about sitting in the cheap seats and sucking down domestic light beers while you pretend to watch the game. It’s kind of grounding, and makes you feel like people for a few hours.
Anyway, this season is drawing to a close, and now there are only four teams left in the playoffs. Here’s a quick rundown of who they are, what players to know, and why they fucking suck (hint: it’s because none of them are the Washington Nationals).
St. Louis Cardinals: I fucking hate St. Louis, but more than anything I hate their fans. Yes, your baseball team is consistently good lately, we get it. This Deadspin article says everything I could ever want to say about them, and then some. They’re the fucking high and mightiest people in the world, despite living in that shit-stained, murder-loving sinkhole that is “the gateway to the west.” Blow me. I’d rather live in the post-apocalyptic wasteland from Mad Max than St. Louis. For those of you who don’t know, Mad Max was Mel Gibson’s breakout role before he became an anti-semite. Just kidding, he’s always been an anti-semite, just like everyone who roots for the Cardinals.
Players to watch:
Yadier Molina (catcher)
Carlos Beltran (outfield) – Carlos Beltran, is known as “Mr. October” due to his exceptional post-season play. Actually, he’s only known as that in St. Louis. There are small-town corn festival queens who hold more auspicious honors than that.
L.A Dodgers: LA is known for having the second-highest payroll in baseball, not having won a world series since 1988 and, presumably, not shutting the fuck up about the nice weather in LA, as though it was something they had the good sense to invent. I’m rooting for LA because they’re the lesser of the four evils, but also because they knocked off the Atlanta Braves, baseball’s perennial bridesmaid. LA has a constant revolving door of big-ticket players, because they have a lot of money to spend and the players’ wives would rather they take a job somewhere like NY or LA instead of some shithole (like St. Louis).
Players to watch:
Clayton Kershaw (pitcher) – Kershaw is among the best pitchers in baseball, despite looking like a “Lord of the Rings” character.
Brian Wilson (pitcher) – Wilson is known as being a crazy person, both for his appearance and his ability to lock-up games. He’s also known as the chief songwriter for the Beach Boys .
Yasiel Puig (outfield) – Puig is a ridiculous human being. He defected from Cuba just last year, and is a fan of hitting home runs and making absurd, ill-advised 400-ft throws.
Juan Uribe (infield) – He is fat but hits the ball hard.
Detroit Tigers: You can’t really say anything about Detroit that hasn’t already been said without sounding like an asshole. That’s because talking about the city of Detroit is like talking about one gigantic, prolapsed human asshole. But, their baseball team is very good, and I suppose the city needs something to rally around besides riots and trashcan fires. Their coach was also the American League coach in the All-Star game, and he took that shit WAY too seriously. Like, I get that you wanted to win (whichever league wins gets home field advantage in the world series), but dude, it’s a little presumptuous to make it into some kind of personal quest. Get over yourself. You live in Detroit. St. Louis denizens don’t even envy you.
Players to watch:
Miguel Cabrera (infield) – Cabrera is inarguably the best hitter in baseball, and a damn fine third baseman. He also looks like the human embodiment of a very racist caricature of a hispanic person.
Prince Fielder (infield) – Proving that having a well-connected daddy is valuable in any career, Prince is the son of prolific hitter Cecil Fielder, who also played for Detroit. Prince Fielder is a competent first baseman, has won two home run derbies, and will bet you $50 million that he can eat more hotdogs than you in a single sitting. He will win that bet every time.
Max Scherzer (pitcher) – Justin Verlander is maybe the more marquee pitcher for Detroit, but I like Scherzer’s name better. It sounds like something you’d say when you’re 20 beers deep and are trying to hook up with a girl.
Boston Red Sox: Up until 2004, Everyone had love for Boston. They hadn’t won a world series since 1918, and were generally awful due to what fans called “the curse of the Bambino” (look it up). Anyway, after their win in 2004, they’ve been pretty good since, but fucking Boston fans still act like they’re the underdog, and I hate that. I went to a game at Fenway park once, and it was awful. Riding back on Boston’s terrible, surely pre-Roman era public transportation system, I witnessed a shitfaced Boston firefighter (because I’m convinced everyone in Boston is either a firefighter, a cop, or a plumber) shout the following:
“KEVIN MILLAHHHD’S A PIECE OF SHIT. HE CAN’T EVEN HIT A FACKING CUHHHVE BAWL”
That, right there, pretty much sums up Boston.
Players to watch:
David Ortiz (designated hitter) – Yes, that is a real position that exists. All he does is hit in place of the pitcher, a rule which is unique to the American League. This angers a lot of people. He gets paid many millions of dollars to sit around and occasionally swing a bat, because he’s very good at it.
Dustin Pedroia (infield) – I think he may actually be a hobbit.
Ok, that’s all for now. Enjoy America’s pastime.