1: “The Quote-stagram”
Listen, we all love some e-cards and, yes, sometimes you do see a quote that is just perfect for your life and necessary to share with your besties. That's just a part of using the internet. However, if your main form of expressing yourself is regramming a bunch of sassy motivational sayings, then we have a problem.
These posts are usually directed at some bro (who almost certainly does NOT give a shit about insta), include a quote about being a strong/smart/sexy/funny/grown-ass woman, and 90% of the time will be attributed to Marilyn Monroe. Nice girls and duds post these things to show all the bros who have wronged them that they're fun, independent women, who “don't need no man” but what they end up doing is looking like psychos who can't come up with their own interesting/idiotic shit to say. Like, come on, if you're going to post passive aggressive instas, at least have them be original.
2: “The Personal Newsletter”
Everyone knows by now that anyone who posts statuses/tweets/whatever about how sad they are are annoying as fuck and def deserved whatever it is that made them so upset in the first place. At this point, that's just like a Facebook etiquette standard and there's no need to talk about it here. A person's depression has no place on social media, but neither does their happiness.
These posts can be about anything, but are usually about the person's family, significant other, God, or some other shit that literally nobody cares about. While they might see this as a way to show everyone how totally-more-than-okay they are, it just makes it obvious to everyone that you in no way have your shit together and are probably a serial killer. Seriously. Nothing is more suspicious than a person who is too happy. If you have to say it, it ain't so.
There are enough first world problems out there to keep us all crippled by anxiety for a lifetime, okay? Just find the one that works for you. Also, if there are any politicians reading this (Hey Hillary!) you should consider that we can all learn a thing or two from Minority Report and make sure that anyone who uses #blessed un-ironically is turned over to the police for future criminal behavior.
3: “The Post-and-Delete”
At any point in the day, at least half of your friends are online, actively refreshing Instagram and checking their notifications. Most people even have that shit sent directly to their phone. That being said, some people still don't understand that the internet is not their personal fucking diary. Even more insane is that those same people also don't understand that once you post something, even if you posted it for just a second, somebody is going to see that shit, and if its crazy enough, they're going to screenshot it.
There is literally nothing that makes somebody look like they're batshit (or having like, a very serious monthly flow situation) than seeing them post a long, emotional status and then ten seconds later seeing that said status is gone. If you're a person who is prone to doing this, maybe you should start posting your bizarre incoherent ramblings in a googledoc or something. Then nobody will know how crazy you are until you die and your kids look at your hard drive and then pretend they were adopted.
4: “The Facebook Resurrection”
Sometimes, and for reasons none of us can possibly understand, people choose to delete their Facebooks and then presumably disappear into the woods where nobody tags any pics of them or invites them to any events. This move usually comes immediately before or immediately after a chick decides she's not into shaving her armpits anymore and usually concurrently with her wearing those shoes with the individual toes even though she's not a runner. Whatever. That's fine. Do you. Nobody needs that shit in their feed anyway (ahem Madonna).
After making the move to delete their facebooks, however, some people can't handle the empty void that Facebook leaves in their life or, (more likely) they are in some serious need for attention and three days later, like a filtered, duck-faced Jesus, they rise again. Sometimes they'll make a little joke about it to try and deflect the fact that they couldn't even be off Facebook for three days, but often times they'll just say nothing and pretend the whole thing never happened at which point everyone should unfriend them immediately because there's a thin line between Facebook Resurrection and you finding out they've been stealing your instas and trying to catfish James Franco.
5: “The Please Hangout With Me”
Though, as betches, none of us can understand why, sometimes people can't find anyone who wants to hang out with them. Sometimes they even go so far as to post statuses asking if anyone wants to hang out and that shit is straight up unacceptable. Nobody wants to see that shit. Why does the world have to be reminded that your life is sad AF when we're just trying to kill time at work by casually stalking our exes? It's like when you're trying to watch TV and an unnecessarily sad infomercial about puppy mills or cleft pallets or whatever comes up and ruins the sanctity of Scandal. It's just rude.
We have Tinder now. You should be able to find somebody to fucking hang out with you without putting the fact that your life is sadder than Precious in all of our faces.