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So Crazy, We Just Found King Charles’ New Return Conditions For Prince Harry

Prince Harry, the Kendall Roy of the Royal Family, wants to weasel his way back into the firm, following the removal of his His Royal Highness title earlier this month. 

Peace talks between the double-crossing spare and his father, King Charles, are said to be underway, though the King has a demanding list of conditions for Harry to meet.  

From strict dress code adherence to taking on the family’s lowest-ranking admin duties, we imagined what Harry can expect to see from King Charles’ lofty and ultra-petty demands. 

King Charles’ Rules For Harry To Rejoin Our Club 

I. Divorce Meghan. This is a no brainer, lol. We hate her, England hates her, Wendy Williams hates her. 

II. Serve as the official Royal ambassador for any and all Red Nose Day activities. Will had to do it last year and he was pissed. I don’t care if it’s for a good cause, wearing a red clown nose as a celebrity is utterly degrading. This one’s all you, buddy. 

III. Be on call to swing by the palace and fix the DVR at a moment’s notice. If Camilla misses an episode of Love After Lockup, it’s me who’s in prison. 

IV. You can’t wear tank tops two days in a row. 

V. I’m gonna need you to locate a deserted island and convince prospective villagers to move there. You’ll be solely responsible for all town planning and infrastructure efforts, but will not be compensated as a municipal employee. Instead, you’ll receive funds via loans from me, which you can work off as an indentured laborer. 

VI. Offer private pickleball lessons to Kate. She’s an abomination, and thanks to the rise of pickeball’s popularity among rich people, we can no longer take her anywhere. 

VII. Release a second memoir called Doofus where you recant everything you wrote in Spare and admit to being an attention-seeking dolt with daddy issues. 

VIII. No false idols are permitted on the palace grounds. AKA, change your lock screen to a photo other than Oprah.

IX. Coordinate everyone’s UberEats orders for dinner. We like to do a group order, because it’s more economical, but getting everyone to agree on a restaurant and place their orders on time is a massive pain in the arse. 

X. No surfing with men or having friendships with unstable women (beyond a respectful lunch or coffee). 

Emma Sharpe
Emma Sharpe
Emma Sharpe is a New York based writer and marketer. She's a Kardashian apologist and finds a Survivor metaphor for every life situation. You can find more of her pop culture ramblings at