1. A humble-braggy snapchat that is actually just braggy AF
Yes, I’m looking at you, specific unnamed friend of mine who keeps sending me snapchats of your piles of cash like “lol what do I do with all this?” As Bane said, “Ah, you think the money is your ally? You merely adopted the money. I was born in it; raised by it.” Plus if and when the feds bust you for drug dealing or whatever illegal shit you’re running I’m sorry but they’re probably going to have to tap my Snapchat account seeing as I have tons of unsolicited evidence.
2. A dick pic – For the last and final time, NO!
3. A shaky ass vid of you at a concert with the caption saying “omg our song!” or asking me to “guess what they’re playing right now!”
The thing about phone mics are that they are not actually ears, meaning that even though you’re able to distinguish between the actual music and the drunk bitches screaming incoherent nonsense, there’s no way I’m able to tell over all the “AHHHHHHH OMGGGGG DAFECDKLSOAIERFAL” that they’re playing an acoustic cover of A Milli. Nor do I really care that much. And now I just turned on my phone volume for this shit. And it sucks. So me and everyone in this class thank you for that.
4. A blank snapchat that just says, “What you doing tonight?”
Like you’ve got to be kidding me with this one. I turned on my mobile data for this shit?
5. Literally the exact same selfie just transported to various locations
Don’t get me wrong, your duckface was cute “in class” and “fresh out the shower, so fresh and so clean clean.” But like maybe switch it up given now you’re “in da club” and “casually walking the Great Wall of China.” Ferrari, Magnum, Blue Steele, they’re all the same! At least change the lighting and/or angle if you’re so insistent on sending me the same facial expression…like c’mon I know you know how to turn left.
6. A play-by-play of your entire day
“Getting ready for class.” “In class.” “My notes.” “TG class is over.” … Jesus Christ. At least record one of those “Snap stories” or whatever the fuck they're called so I don't actually have to individually open all the pieces of your photo montage depicting each bite of your grilled cheese sandwich.
The basic rule of thumb for Snapchat etiquette is “Snap others like you want to be snapped.” Ask yourself, “How would I feel upon receiving a pic of a bowl of Ramen with the caption ‘cooked this myself #moveoverrachaelray”? If the answer is, “like stabbing a bunch of kittens,” then def think twice before you take away 10 precious seconds of my life I can never get back.