It’s that time of year again. The leaves are changing, the air is cold(ish), and the basics among as are taking pumpkin patch pics. Basically, it’s fall, and that means every betch’s
sluttiest favorite holiday is upon us: Halloween. As we all know from The Bible Mean Girls, Halloween is the one day a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. I would actually amend that quote to include festival season, your birthday, and your first outing after a breakup, but far be it for me to edit Mean Girls. Anyway, unless you’re one of those Pinterest freaks who starts figuring out their Halloween costume on November 1st of the previous year, you probably have no fucking clue what you’re going to be this year, and will most likely leave it up to the last minute, or whenever you get an invitation to a party that is actually worth your cleavage time. If you’re unsure what to be this Halloween, might I suggest consulting the stars? Your zodiac tells you everything you need to know about how you should dishonor your family dress up this Halloween, so use this helpful guide and get to putting all the necessary items in your Amazon cart.
Aries – Slutty Miranda Priestly
Aries are known for their determination and leadership skills. They love to take charge and are
bossy af natural born leaders. Basically they are the HBIC, and there is no better HBIC for you to represent then Miranda Priestly, Editor-in-Chief of Runway and Devil-who-wears-Prada.
What you need: A short silver wig, sunglasses, Prada heels (obvs), and maybe like, a magazine as a prop? Something you don’t mind losing during the night because it’s Halloween and not even your phone is safe.
How to slut it up: Make your little black dress…littler? A plunging neckline? Honestly there are a lot of options here.
Taurus – Slutty Matador
As a Taurus, I feel right in saying we bulls have kind of a boring sign. We’re earthy. We’re stubborn. We get shit done. It works well in life but not so much in the mythical realm of Halloween sluttiness. So what do we have to work with? Bulls. And who tames bulls? Matadors? Perf. Not only is a slutty matador costume fun, but you can bet that nobody else will be rocking this look. Also, you get to wear a lot of black. Love it.
What you need: Okay so this costume will require a little bit of prep, but you’re a Taurus so I have no doubt you can make it happen. You’re obviously going to need a cape—definitely red, and preferably bedazzled. Some kind of a black/gold outfit, and a hat.
How to slut it up: Black and gold crop top, knee high boots, black skirt, hat, and cape. Voilà!
Gemini – Slutty Hannah Montana
As a Gemini, we know that you’re not going to want to stick to just one costume. That’s where slutty Hannah Montana comes in. Start the night as Miley, and then whenever you get bored, transform into Hannah. If you get bored again, go back to Miley. Fuck, you could even switch between being Hannah Montana and different versions of Miley throughout the years. That’s like 15 costumes in one. Perfect for Geminis!
What you need: A fuckton of wigs. A microphone. Some heinous pink bedazzled bullshit. Maybe a fedora? Dear God, the early 2000s were terrible.
How to slut it up: Google “Miley Cyrus VMAs 2013.” She will show you the way.
Cancer – Slutty Mermaid
This one was easy. Cancers are water signs, and their symbol is a crab. Who lives in the water and has a pet crab? Ariel. What is Ariel? A mermaid. Easy af. Sure, this costume is kind of basic and there will def be other mermaids at your party, but honestly, who cares? All that matters about Halloween are the pics, and mermaids look great in pics.
What you need: A shell bra, flower/seashell accessories for your hair, and something to approximate a tail, and 20+ hours of makeup tutorials so you can create a fishy look.
How to slut it up: Honestly, if your mermaid costume isn’t automatically slutty, you’re fucking doing it wrong.
Leo – Slutty Cersei Lannister
Leos fucking love attention and are repped by a lion, and there’s no bigger attention-grabbing lion lover than Cersei Lannister. This costume is fun because people will definitely offer you shitloads of wine, and you get to be a total bitch to everyone and blame it on your “character.” Honestly, I’m not a Leo, but I might steal this idea for myself. Sounds fun.
What you need: A short blonde wig, black medieval looking dress (Amazon is your friend), and a full af goblet of wine.
How to slut it up: Same way Game Of Thrones does it: cleavage, cleavage, cleavage.
Virgo – Slutty Burn Book
This is the most abstract costume on the list, but I’ll leave it open to artsy Virgo’s interpretation. Given that Virgos are one of the judgiest signs in the zodiac, transforming yourself from a figurative burn book into a literal burn book should be no problem. You can fill your pages with Mean Girls quotes (always a great option) or actual mean things about people you know. Depends on whether or not you want to have friends on November 1st.
What you need: Some kind of pink attire is a must. Print and cut out letters from a magazine and tape/glue/whatever them to your pink shirt and or dress. Then just like, write mean shit about people on it. If you’re really crafty, you could build an actual wearable book, but that is not sexy and would honestly probably earn you a space in a couple legit burn books yourself.
How to slut it up: Just pick a slutty pink dress to create your burn book on. It’s not hard.
Libra – Slutty Lady Liberty
Libras are the fair and balanced members of the zodiac and are represented by scales, so like, Lady Liberty is a pretty obvious direction to go. This costume is super recognizable, and honestly very easy to put together, so you won’t have to waste a ton of valuable time trying to figure out how to make it. Just make a toga, paint your face green, and get one of those foam crowns off Amazon. Then commence getting fucked up and screaming about America.
What you need: See above. Literally so simple. Just remember: nowhere on the Statue Of Liberty does it ever say the words “RSVP.”
How to slut it up: Lady Liberty is often depicted with one breast exposed. You could go this route, and if anyone dares say anything to you, just say they’re being unpatriotic.
Scorpio – Slutty Taylor Swift From “Blank Space”
Scorpios are truly the most psycho of the zodiac signs (some would argue Gemini, but it’s Scorpio all the way), and nobody knows this more than someone who is unfortunate enough to be exes with them. And who is the most memorable psycho ex in the game? That’s Taylor Swift. Well, the old Taylor Swift. RIP.
What you need: A knife, smeared makeup, crazy hair, either an all black nighty or a cheetah print skirt suit. You could also add an apple or a golf club. Depends on which video look you’re going for.
How to slut it up: The sluttiest version of this look is definitely the black negligee/knife/cake combo. As an added bonus, this outfit will transition seamlessly into the bedroom for whatever hookup you manage to lockdown. Just make sure you bring something else for your walk of shame later.
Sagittarius – Slutty Unicorn
Sagittarii (yes, that’s the plural now) are represented by the centaur, but that is a hard costume and it is neither sexy nor slutty. So what other horse-based mythical creature can you be this Halloween? A unicorn. Duh. Sure, much like the mermaid, this costume is fairly basic, but again, it looks good in pictures and that’s all that matters. Just please, for the love of god, no onesies or masks.
What you need: A horn, a tail, and a shitload of glitter. All available on Amazon.
How to slut it up: One word, betch: bodysuit.
Capricorn – Wonder Woman
Capricorns are known for being able to achieve literally anything they set their minds to. Essentially, they’re superheroes, and there is no superhero hotter than Wonder Woman right now. Not only will your costume be timely, but if anyone accuses you of sluttiness (against the rules of Halloween, but whatever it can happen), kindly pull an Elle Woods and tell them that Wonder Woman is actually a deeply feminist character and are they really calling the first female superhero a skank? That’ll shut them up.
What you need: A Wonder Woman costume. Google it.
How to slut it up: Honestly a better question would be how to not slut up a Wonder Woman costume.
Aquarius – Slutty Hippie/Flower Child
Some people would tell you to be a Native American, but you know that’s cultural appropriation. Why? Because Aquarians are the wokest of the zodiac signs. In fact, there’s a whole hippie musical about how woke Aquarians are called “Hair,” and people are fully naked in it. Embrace that.
What you need: Peasant skirt, flowers for your hair, round sunglasses, maybe some suede, and a big bag of weed.
How to slut it up: Literally be one of the people from Hair.
Pisces – Witch
We’re going classic for you, Pisces. Being a witch will totally compliment your artsy, mysterious vibe. Let’s be real, you’ve definitely tried an IRL spell or two, and you definitely have a couple crystals lying around your apartment. A classic witch costume is easy, but there are so many options. Are you gonna go Hocus Pocus, or The Craft? Maybe you’re a Hogwarts student. Up to you. Your creative mind will figure it out.
What you need: A broomstick, a hat, and lots and lots of black.
How to slut it up: Fishnets, corset, and some high-ass heels.