Sexts and Subtext is back! Get ready for more gripping analysis of the bros in your life and the retarded things they dare to immortalize in cyberspace.
Dear Head Pro,
I met this ridiculously hot bro through my sorority sister, who is seeing his roommate. I was told he was single, just got his Master's and was hanging out in Miami until he found a job. We hung out a couple times over the past few weeks and had sex, SOBER, this morning. When I checked my Newsfeed this afternoon, this bro decides to put himself in a relationship on FB– 12 hours after we fucked. Head Pro, if you could please call this asshole out, since I have no idea who's dating him, you'd spare the betch who's “with” him and make me feel less like a total slore.
Please, Thanks and Kisses,
Chivalry's Dead and So Is This Fucking Bro
Ouch, even I have to admit that this is a pretty sick burn. You’re rightfully angry, but I think it’s misdirected. He’s not off the hook either, because if you’re going to cut your sack off and label them as belonging to one chick, at least have the guts to stand by your decision. Let’s look at it from another angle:
Say you’re in a bar with a friend and the two of you see a handsome looking bro ordering a drink. Your friend gets a closer look and relays to you that she’s “pretty sure that guy is The Betches’ Head Pro”. You strike up a conversation with him, and overcome by both the aura of celebrity and vodka, you make your way to his place for some serious pipe-laying. The next morning, you ask him something off-hand and innocuous, like “Is it hard keeping up the charade that you work for The Betches when it’s obviously the other way around?” He stares at you blankly, at first not understanding because he’s still slightly drunk from the night before. That’s when your butthole puckers and your heart sinks – “What the fuck are ‘betches’”, he slurs. You’ve been duped.
Who’s to blame here? Not him, because no self-respecting bro is going to turn it down when a girl is obviously ready to go. And not you, because how were you supposed to know that the real Head Pro is a level of handsome that you can’t comprehend without first experiencing it (thought I thought that would be obvious by now)?. So who does that leave? That’s right, your fucking friend.
George W. (you) took a lot of shit for invading Iraq (the bro) with bad intel saying they had WMDs (the lack of a girlfriend, in this case), but everyone knows the real culprit was the bad intel (your sorority sister) to begin with. Yes, this bro is a scumbag, but let his new girlfriend sort that out. Your quarrel is with your sorority sister, who through dating his roommate should have known that he wasn’t really single. Think twice before taking her word for who is and who isn’t available.
Dear Head Pro,
I'm a sophomore in college and a few months back, I met this grad student at a party. We stalked talking and eventually starting doing the dirty. Now the sex was great and everything seemed like it was going well. Until one weekend, he kept trying to pick me up for a quickie. I told him I was busy (which I really was) but he didn't seem to get the picture. He was so insistent to try to have sex. After his failed attempts, he told me that maybe we should try not having sex because “its different when you hang out with someone and don't have sex.” I found this a little strange because what guy doesn't want to have sex? Anyways, this whole no sex thing blew up in my face. I confronted him figuring there was a real reason behind this. He ended up telling me that I should hang out with people my own age (he's 4 years older than me) and that he was just going to move away after finishing his school, therefore saying we shouldn't continue seeing each other. He told me he still wanted to be friends that we had a good connection blah blah blah. I had started to grow feelings for him so when he told me this, I told him I would talk to him when I was ready to be friends…I never once contacted him.
Now its 3 months later and he texts me out of the blue. It was clear that our previous “relationship” involved a lot of sex, so is he just trying to get into my pants or does he actually care how I'm doing (it was my 20th birthday a couple weeks back)? If he's just trying to get into my pants, I want him to know I'm not gonna be that girl again.
Super “fucked” over betch
Dear Super “Fucked” Over Betch (no idea why “fucked” is in quotes),
Really, really short answer – he found something else to poke on. He wanted you for the one thing your relationship seemed to be based on, and then when you weren’t available he found someone who was. He either liked this person better or just wasn’t all that into you to begin with, so in order to (in his eyes) soften the rejection he started making up nonsense about your “connection” and how it would somehow be better for two people who used to have great sex to still hang out but not do that anymore. Betches, if you remember one thing, it’s this: When a guy ends the relationship, it’s either because he found someone he liked better or because he couldn’t stand you anymore. Anything he says otherwise is a selfish attempt on his part to assuage the guilt he feels for making you sad.
As for how to handle this recent unexpected message, don’t. Life is not like a movie where the brash, asshole protagonist sees the error of his ways and runs back into the arms of the nice girl who loved him all along. In real life, a bro doesn’t want to let a good thoroughbred wander but so far from the stable, so he’ll check in from time to time. That goes double for girls he feels things ended with on a positive note, which this guy does thanks to his self-stroking bullshit breakup speech.
Barring that, he could have just gotten a reminder on facebook that it was your birthday and felt a text would be more personal. Either way, he’s not selling anything you’re in the market to buy.
It’s not you, it’s me kisses,
Send your sextual convos to email@example.com