Going to the gym sucks. Unfortunately, we have to go to undo the 11 vodka-soda-limes and 2/3 of a large pizza we ate this weekend somehow. Fuck. However, you may be able to get good workout without even leaving the bedroom. Depending on how lazy you and your partner are, sex actually can burn a significant amount of calories. But what positions should you do if you’re trying to skip the gym? We found out the sex positions that burn the most calories using this sex calculator.
In a 30-minute period, an average woman will burn around 122 calories on top with moderate effort. According to The Cut, you can try squatting above your partner to bring the caloric rate up to 172 per half hour. If you’re vigorous enough, a woman can burn up to 220 calories per half hour, putting this at the top of the list of sex positions that burn the most calories, at least for women. Unfortunately, your fatass boyfriend won’t be doing any work and won’t burn any more calories than he already does just existing. Sorry.
2. Reverse Cowgirl
This position can burn slightly less than cowgirl (weird), going to 210 calories in a half hour if you’re REALLY trying at maximum effort. But still, minimal calorie burn for the lazy-ass guy just lying there. But fuck him, we really only care if you’re hot here, so if he’s a rando, and you’re very confident with how your ass looks, this is the position for you.
Standing sex is super hard to navigate and usually kind of awkward and terrible (example: shower sex), but it’s one of the sex positions that burns the most calories, clocking in at up to 165 calories per half hour. Half an hour is a really long time to stay having standing sex (or even to be standing without having sex, if you’re me), so assuming your legs don’t cramp up and you’re not horribly uncomfortable, then go ahead and do this one. Your man will burn 220 calories per half hour, so it’s a great choice if he is particularly gym-averse.
4. Legs Up
If you keep your legs up during sex, a woman can burn 116 calories per half hour. It also works your leg muscles, so there’s that bonus too. Because life is unfair, if your partner is a man in this position, he will burn 127 calories per half hour. This is the most equal high burn position for you both if you’re trying to knock out cardio together.
5. Doggy Style
If you’re into doggy, try engaging your leg muscles and core while fucking (i.e. throwing it back vs. just kneeling there on all fours and enduring it), and you will burn 100 calories (for a woman). A man will burn 150 for a 30 minute period. So if your dude is getting chubby and you don’t want to have The Talk about his lack of sex appeal, this position is totally beneficial. 1) He burns more calories. 2) You don’t have to look at him. If you put it maximum effort, you can burn up to 135 calories per half hour.
Surprisingly, even though spooning seems lazy as shit, this also miraculously makes the list of sex positions that burn the most calories. Blessings. A woman burns 100 calories while a man burns 110 from spooning. By being on your side, you’re engaging your core, so you can skip your ab workout, too. This is perfect for the betch that wants to do the bare minimum and it’s not as bad as missionary, which only burns like 40 calories (that’s what you get for being boring).
The moral of the story here is you have to have sex for at least 30 minutes to make any real significant dent in caloric deficiency, and I’m sorry, I have shit to do. Also, all of these positions burn about the same as walking around the block for a half hour. But since you’re having sex anyway, you might as well maximize it and get a workout, so you can have one more guilt-free vodka soda. (This won’t excuse eating almost an entire fucking pizza, you glutton.)