Scarlett Johansson Didn't Audition To Date Tom Cruise

Sometimes you’ve got to take a break from the fiery wreckage of American politics to gossip about religious cults. And praise Xenu, we’ve got ourselves a Scientology story! On Wednesday, Scarlett Johansson denied auditioning to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend back in the pre-Katie Holmes days, when the “church” allegedly conducted a top-secret version of The Bachelor to find a Scientology-approved lady for Cruise to love. 

Johansson’s denial comes after a former Scientology security guard named Brendon Tighe went on “Megyn Kelly Today” to spill all sorts of tea about the super problematic church. Tighe claimed that he saw Johansson’s name on a list of women auditioning to date the Mission Impossible 27: These Movies Are Still Happening star. According to Tighe, Johansson’s audition went about as well as my recent Hinge dates (aka v. poorly). 

But Johansson made it very clear that she never wanted Cruise to jump on a couch for her. “The very idea of any person auditioning to be in a relationship is so demeaning,” Johansson told The Hollywood Reporter in a statement. “I refuse for anyone to spread the idea that I lack the integrity to choose my own relationship. Only a man aka Brendan Tighe would come up with a crazy story like that.” You go, ScarJo!

Even though the Black Widow herself evidently wasn’t a part of any auditions, a 2012 Vanity Fair story did report on the church’s efforts to find a new girlfriend for Cruise after Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz got sick of his dianetics bullshit. And if you need a distraction from the news, you should absolutely read the whole thing, because it is bonkers. Apparently, before Katie Holmes won the dubious distinction of Cruise Wife #3, Scientology higher-ups selected a British-Iranian actress named Nazanin Boniadi to be Cruise’s girlfriend. When their relationship didn’t work out, the church made Boniadi “scrub toilets with a toothbrush on her hands and knees, clean bathroom tiles with acid, and dig ditches in the middle of the night.” Uh, and I thought my break-ups were rough.

In conclusion, Scientology is garbage, ScarJo is awesome, and maybe no one should date Tom Cruise ever again.