Until recently, Pete Davidson was inescapable. You’d walk in a room, his “big dick energy” would somehow materialize and waft through the vents, and suddenly, you’re overcome with an itch to bone the nearest skinny, white “comedian” with tattoos and mommy issues. You’re not alone; it happened to Kim Kardashian and Emily Ratajkowski, too. But it didn’t last.
The problem with Pete Davidson’s big dick energy or fellow internet boyfriend Pedro Pascal’s cool, slutty daddy energy (his words, not mine) isn’t their appeal — it’s their lack of staying power. BDE is great, but it’s not going to help you put a down payment on a house. Making love to cool, slutty daddy on the kitchen table is thrilling until you throw your back out before you can even finish. Part of growing up is recognizing you need something more substantial, predictable even — with more roots and fewer unresolved childhood traumas. It’s realizing you need someone like Bill Hader.
Haders, Rise
William Thomas Hader Jr. — yes, Brent in Knocked Up, Officer Slater in Superbad, that fucking man — is having a moment. À la Pete, he’s dating the hottest women in Hollywood, most recently making headlines for his reconciled relationship with Ali Wong. His ex Rachel Bilson even endorsed him for having a huge penis and said their breakup was “harder than childbirth.”
If you’ve ever wondered, or posted in an anonymous subreddit, “Why do I want to fuck Bill Hader?” don’t worry, it’s actually not that weird that you get ~feelings down there~ watching him play Stefon on SNL or manhandle a gun on Barry.
Let’s compare him to Pete for a second. Both are, of course, two unconventionally attractive, goofy guys from SNL with the most random dating histories. They’ve both positively mastered playing quirky, offbeat, awkward guys and look kind of like the same person in different stages of life. But what makes Pete a “right now” and Bill Hader a “forever”? Well, Pete has big dick energy, but Bill has a big dick… minus the energy?
Out: Big Dick Energy. In: Big Dick Surprise.
Big dick energy, as defined by The Cut, is “a quiet confidence and ease with oneself that comes from knowing you have an enormous penis and you know what to do with it.” Where Pete is the president of the BDE club, David Beckham is probably the secretary. Chris Evans, the treasurer. Jon Hamm, Jamie Foxx, and Liam Neeson speak at every meeting. In other words, no one is all that shocked to find out any of these men are packing; they make sure you know it before you have the chance to find out.
But then we have Bill. Sweet, big dick Bill. He’s the kind of guy who has a gigantic penis but is totally unaware of its size. “Wait, this is big?” he’d earnestly ask you as his eyebrows raise with curiosity and excitement. He’d make you come instantly but isn’t quite sure how he did it. He’d let you finish first and then end the night with a cup of herbal tea and forehead kisses. He wouldn’t even need to throw you a towel — there’d be one folded next to your side of the bed within arm’s reach.
Bill is the kind of guy who wins you over with his part-awkward, part-endearing charm, his nerdiness, his heart of gold. His giant penis is just the icing on the cake. A big dick surprise.
Unpacking (Sorry) BDS
A big dick surprise (BDS) is not Pete Davidson. It’s a Jason Segel, a Randall Park, a Josh Groban or a Jason Sudeikis. Justin Long, for example, probably has a huge dick (can we talk about his dating history and his last name?), but he doesn’t use it (or even know he has it) in the same way Pete or Pedro would.
Much like their geeky movie collection, the litany of qualifications for the BDS club is extensive. Read on below to find out if your crush, partner, fiancé, ex, spouse or random guy you met on Hinge can hang with the Haders of the world.
- Loves a good puzzle or board game (Scrabble, preferably) and has an entire cabinet of them
- Makes sure your car has gas in it and is always cautious about the tire pressure
- Knows which terminal/gate/baggage carousel you’re going to before you even think to look it up
- Asks if you got home safely
- Reads before bed (something like historical fiction)
- Owns an electric toothbrush (bonus points for also owning a Waterpik)
- Diligently wears his Invisalign retainers 23 hours a day and wraps them cutely in a little napkin while he’s eating
- Drives with two hands on the steering wheel
- Drinks a cosmopolitan because he likes the taste
- Has a fully stocked medical cabinet, with multiple Band-Aid sizes and an ointment for everything
- Always schedules his annual eye exam
- Spells out “you” when texting
- Has different vacuum attachments and uses them all
- Knows when his clothes are too wrinkled to wear (bonus points if he can iron)
- Always has a pen on the plane when you’re filling out international travel forms
- Knows the difference between laundry detergent and fabric softener
- Uses Nivea body wash in the shower
- Has a different bottle for shampoo and conditioner (no 2-in-1 shit)
- Arrives for a dinner reservation at least five minutes early
- Sleeps in a bed with a headboard, a top sheet, and more than two pillows
- Clips his nails regularly
- Is actually good at folding clothes
- Has a high yield savings account
- Shows up for his flight more than two hours early and brings his own snacks
- Either joined a robotics club or an improv troupe
- Always uses his turn signal
- Fixes all your electronics
- Owns a PC with two monitors
- Takes your car to get oil changed so they don’t overcharge you
- Genuinely likes bowling
- Unties his shoes before taking them off
- Always has a matching pair of socks
- Cradles a pet like a baby every time he holds them
- Never forgets to take his Lactaid pill before every meal
- Votes
- Loves a good restaurant special
- Uses an ergonomic keyboard
- Wore New Balance shoes before they were trendy
- Doesn’t pluck his own eyebrows but will let you do it for him
- Zips his jacket all the way up
- Gets seasonal allergies but always has a Kleenex on hand
- Doesn’t need to have sex on the sofa or the floor — the bed is just fine (in fact, it’s preferred)
Is it a big dick surprise? If so, you’ve won long-lasting love, a respectful and honest relationship, a couple of awkward moments and a lot of shockingly hot sex. Congrats!
Images courtesy of Getty Images (4) and NBC.
