In general, I think us normal people assume that a lot of celebrities aren’t used to doing things for themselves. From drivers, to household staff, to stylists, there are a lot of people you can pay to make your life easier. On the most recent episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, the main drama was whether they should have chefs at the house on Christmas morning. But even knowing everything I know, I’ve always operated under the assumption that even the most out-of-touch celebs have like, the bare minimum of life skills needed to make it on their own.
But that assumption was put to the test on Tuesday, when I read GQ’s new profile of Robert Pattinson. From the title, “Robert Pattinson: A Dispatch From Isolation”, you’d think R-Patz is quarantining on the moon or something, but he’s actually chillin with his girlfriend in London. Specifically, he’s staying in an apartment paid for by production on The Batman, which he was in the middle of filming when the whole world shut down. He’s also still eating food provided by production, though Zach Baron writes, “the other day he got nervous, that they might just stop or forget” to deliver the food.
Wait, what? The apartment makes sense, but does Robert Pattinson not know how to go to a grocery store? Or how to work the Postmates app? We’ve been doing this whole quarantine sh*t for two months now, so I’m a little concerned if Robert Pattinson really hasn’t gotten his own food even once.
But given what he says about food later in the profile, maybe this isn’t far from the truth. In the interview, Pattinson tells Baron, “Yesterday I was just googling, I was going on YouTube to see how to microwave pasta.” Reader, when I tell you this stopped me dead in my tracks. I just… Thankfully, Baron said what we were all thinking: “That’s not a thing.”
You’d think that’s exactly what R-Patz would’ve found upon a quick Google search, but apparently he was determined to try instant spaghetti. “Put it in a bowl and microwave it. That is how to microwave pasta.” Who knew! He continued, “And also it really, really isn’t a thing. It’s really actually quite revolting. But I mean, who would have thought that it actually makes it taste disgusting?”
Me. I would have thought that. And you know who else? All of us. I’m no star chef—the only thing that gets me interested in cooking is Twitter drama—but even I know damn well that you cannot make pasta in the microwave. (If you could, I would have been doing this for years now.) Personally, I’m upset that the GQ profile doesn’t include a photo of Robert’s microwaved monstrosity, because I’m not even sure what that would look like. Did he just microwave dry pasta? Was there sauce? Obviously, it would be bad no matter what, but I really need more details. Maybe Robert should hang out with Charli from Vanderpump Rules, who insists she had never tried pasta until a recent trip to Olive Garden. *shudders*
But if you thought all that was strange, then buckle the f*ck up, because the microwaved pasta comes up again later in the profile. Pattinson tells Baron about a business idea he has: a fast-food restaurant that serves a handheld version of pasta. If you’re having a hard time picturing that, same. But R-Patz has it all figured out. He even had a meeting about it last year with a major LA restauranteur, but things didn’t pan out. He calls his food creation “Piccolini Cuscino” or “Little Pillow,” and he attempted to cook one for Baron over Zoom, as a way of hopefully sparking interest in his business. Yeah… sh*t is about to get weird.
First, it’s important to note that R-Patz went to the store for the ingredients. So he *does* know how to buy groceries for himself. Glad we cleared that up. So, how do you make this “little pillow”? As Pattinson says, “Obviously, first things first, you gotta microwave the pasta.” Obviously. Yup, we’re still doing that. After putting dry penne and water in the microwave for eight minutes, he makes a bed of foil, and covers it with sugar and then sliced cheese. (Don’t ask about the sugar, I don’t know either.) Oh, and he forgets that there were supposed to be breadcrumbs under there, so he substitutes the bread crumbs for Corn Flakes. Then he adds some sauce (“Like a tomato sauce?” Baron asks. “Just any sauce,” Pattinson replies), and after that, the microwaved pasta goes on top. Then, it gets topped off with the top half of a bun, which Pattinson burns the initials PC into with a lighter, melting part of his latex glove in the process. From there, you wrap up the foil and put it all in the oven.
Honestly, I have no idea what I just described, and neither does Robert Pattinson, clearly. Aside from forgetting or messing up multiple steps, he asks Baron if you can put foil in an oven. Baron tells him yes, but NOT the microwave, but Pattinson doesn’t seem to know the difference. Of course, his nice rental kitchen has multiple appliances to choose from, and he doesn’t know what any of them do. He ends up choosing something that he claims is an oven, but Baron really thinks is a microwave, and here’s what happens:
“Proudly he is walking back toward the counter that his phone is on when, behind him, a lightning bolt erupts from the oven/microwave, and Pattinson ducks like someone outside has opened fire. He’s giggling and crouching as the oven throws off stray flickers of light and sound.” He is one weird dude.
That whole pasta debacle left me speechless, and I really hope he doesn’t try to make any more culinary creations, for his own safety. But I’m not sure his regular quarantine meal schedule sounds much better. He tells GQ that he’s on a meal plan for The Batman right now, so what he eats is pretty limited. “I’ll have oatmeal with, like, vanilla protein powder on it. And I will barely even mix it up. It’s extraordinarily easy. Like, I eat out of cans and stuff. I’ll literally put Tabasco inside a tuna can and just eat it out of the can.”
Lord, give me the strength not to throw up right now. First of all, not mixing the protein powder into the oatmeal is psychotic. Like, you already have a spoon right there, just stir it around! But the Tabasco-in-a-tuna-can situation is f*cking revolting. I’m not a canned tuna person in the first place (it always makes me think of Jessica Simpson), and this just put me over the edge. I’m not saying my quarantine meal situation has been ideal, but at least I haven’t been eating out of a can.
I know we’re all doing our best to make it through this quarantine in one piece, but please, for the love of god, take the time to boil water if you’re eating pasta. I’m not going to judge anyone for not learning a second language or becoming a yoga expert during this time, but not trying microwaved pasta is an extremely low bar for self-care. Oh, and I hope this goes without saying, but DON’T put foil in the microwave.
Images: Denis Makarenko / Shutterstock.com