'Riverdale' Recap: All I Want For Christmas Is Some Goddamn Access To Hermione's Black Card

This week on Riverdale, it’s the mid-season finale, and the promo is promising a lot of things—like the discovery of the Black Hood’s identity and also the Christmas from hell. Honestly, I’m not sure how they’re going to top last week’s episode (in which Betty reenacted Ariel Winter’s Instagram story) but I would love to see the writers at The CW at least try. So do we think we’ll really find out who the Black Hood is? Do I actually care? Only time will tell.

Lol, I love guys. Jughead is just like, “So Archie, how are you and Veronica?” And Archie replies with a “we’ve been better.” Um, YOU’RE NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE. Were you not listening to the same breakup speech I was? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

Cut to the girls who are literally like, “yeah, we’re broken up with our boyfriends now.” This is the problem with male/female relationships right here. We say, “no;” they hear, “yes.” Too soon?

This Secret Santa looks like my version of hell. I guess, unlike my grandmother, no one ever told the gingers in this town they shouldn’t wear red? Also, everyone looks festive AF except for Jughead and Veronica who are wearing all black. I approve.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 9

Meanwhile, Betty and Archie are eye-fucking each other over the shittiest looking children’s book I’ve ever seen. If this is some sort of weird foreplay before a Barchie hookup, then I am not here for it.

And really, Archie, you gave Betty something YOU FOUND IN YOUR GARAGE? Like we get it, you’re poor. But spring for a $5 giftcard to Starbucks or something for fuck’s sake. Just because Betty sometimes takes her clothes off at Open Mic night, that doesn’t make her cheap!

Mr. Svenson, the janitor, is missing because Archie outed him to The Black Hood. He’s like, “I think we messed up. I think we got him killed!” And it’s like, yeah, no fucking shit you did. I don’t know why I expect so much from them. It’s like, sometimes I forget that they aren’t members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit and are actually just high school sophomores.

RIVERDALE : *tries to normalize teenagers solving murder cases*


Law & Order SVU

Okay, why are all these no matches girls still giving Christmas presents to their exes? I mean, this is either the most desperate or conniving thing I’ve seen in a long while.

Also, what does it say about their relationships that both Betty and Jughead got gifts for each other, but Archie got Veronica nothing but attitude and angst? You’re better than this, V!

Cheryl being bitter over her mother not getting her any Christmas gifts is the reason why I love her. Like, half your family is dead, but god forbid your mother skimp out on the gifts this year. That’s the real tragedy!

MRS. BLOSSOM: We’re poor. How do you expect me to pay for everything?

CHERYL: You could get a job. You know, other than the one where you’re a terrible mother.

Somehow, when I would bitch to my mother about how she confused “Burberry trench coat” with “Hot Topic sales rack” the conversation never went this way?

Betty gets a Secret Santa gift from the Black Hood, and it’s an actual human finger. Aggressive. I’m not sure the Black Hood understands how Secret Santa works? Perhaps next year they should try a white elephant.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 9

Also, does Betty go to the police with the finger? Or show her mother? Does she even go to the local urgent care center to get a tetanus shot? No. She does none of those things. Instead, the person she trusts with this v important information is fucking Archie. Does no one on this show learn lessons??

Veronica discovers that her family bought Pop’s Diner, and I’m not sure why she’s so surprised. Her dad went to jail for stealing peoples’ money and generally ruining lives, while her mother seduced people for his business deals on the outside. That is, legit, the definition of shady.

Elsewhere, Jughead acts like he’s never seen a Christmas gift in his whole damn life.

JUGHEAD: What are those?

FP: Gifts!

JUGHEAD: …Filled with drugs?

Oh honey, baby, sweetie. How do I explain this? Sometimes the people you love will try to shower you with love and affection. Just embrace it.

Elsewhere, Veronica uses her mother’s black card to pay off Archie’s dad’s hospital bills. Let’s let that sink in for a moment, shall we? She’s 16 and has casual access to 86 grand. Meanwhile, my net worth is $200 and a half used Urban Outfitters gift card, but okay.

Wow, Jughead is still super salty over this whole Penny Peabody thing. I get that she’s blackmailing you, Jughead, but also she makes her living by practicing law out of the back room in a bar. I think she needs this win more than you do.

Wait, so Jughead’s big plan of attack is to kill Penny Peabody? That’s his go-to solution for this mess? And everyone is just going to go along with this one? Really??

SWEET P: How should we handle this?



Jughead cuts the Serpent tattoo off of Penny Peabody’s arm, and the whole scene is so extra. Does he really think that’s going to solve all his problems? Unless she gets a face transplant, I’m pretty sure The Serpents are still going to think she’s in the gang. Idiots.

Betty goes over to the Blossoms to interrogate the grandmother. And it’s like, Betty, it’s Christmas, have you no shame?! They find out that the Blossoms/Coopers were the ones to bury the sinner-who-wasn’t-really-a-sinner, and they did it to him while HE WAS STILL ALIVE. Somehow I’m not surprised at all. This is the same lineage that murdered their only son and burned their family home to the ground, so…

GRANDMA BLOSSOM: You should have drowned them at birth like a basket of kittens.



Betty starts freaking out in the car about her connection to the Black Hood and how her grandfather buried an innocent man alive. And because nothing puts this girl more in the mood than talking about murder, she kisses Archie. *slips into rage induced blackout*

Veronica finally learns about all the conniving shit her parents have been up to, and she handles the information with a bottle of scotch and a lot of thinly veiled threats. So basically how I handle any minor disruption to my life. If this is the start of a dark Veronica phase, then 2018 is about to be a good fucking year.


Meanwhile, Betty and Archie go looking for the spot where Betty’s family killed a man. She’s like, “Well, there was that picture where my grandfather was planting trees with some friends?” I love how in Riverdale 99.9 percent of the time the childhood stories their parents told them growing up are actually coverups for illegal activities.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 9

^^Definitely thought “planting trees” was only a euphemism for weed but I guess murder too

They find the spot and uncover an empty coffin, which, of course, is a set-up. The Black Hood wants Betty to bury Archie alive, and honestly, I’m not mad about it.

In a shocking twist of fate, Betty somehow manages to overpower the Black Hood, and Sheriff Keller shoots him down at the last second. And the identity of the Black Hood is….. Mr. Stenson, the janitor. THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR FOR NINE FUCKING EPISODES? I’ve not been this disappointed in a season finale since Pretty Little Liars decided to fill plot holes with long-lost twins.

I’m not gonna lie, watching these broken up couples open thoughtful gifts from their exes on Christmas morning is the gift that keeps on giving. Thanks, CW!

Veronica realizes Archie did get her something for Christmas and is immediately not dead inside anymore.

ARCHIE: *buys her something mildly expensive*

VERONICA: I’m ready to say it: I love you too!

Honestly, they deserve each other.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 9

The episode ends with Betty burning her Black Hood box. This whole scene is eerily similar to how I handle burning my ex’s shit after a break-up my problems—will reflect on this later.

She ends up keeping that creepy AF ski mask the Black Hood gave her, which is a clear sign that they got the wrong guy. AGAIN. Ugh. Just when I thought I’d accomplished something this year, The CW has to take it away from me. Whatever. Can’t wait for 2018! I’m sure we’ll continue to be dicked around by the writers of Riverdale. Can’t wait!

Ryanne Probst
Ryanne Probst
Ryanne wants you to know that her name is pronounced “Ryan” and that this is her childhood trauma. Formerly published as “It’s Britney, Betch” she’s the resident recapper for all things ‘Bachelor.' When she’s not talking sh*t, she’s drinking $8 wine and contemplating ways to burn ABC studios down to the ground. Catch her on Instagram (@ryprobst) where she’s either posting pictures of her dog or sliding into the DMs of former reality TV dating stars (you know who you are).