Well, we did it fam. We made it to season two of Riverdale, and I’ve only been counting down the minutes since last April. Nbd. On a completely unrelated note, I’ve also spent that much time trying to live stream The CW without having to forfeit my entire paycheck for a cable subscription. Spoiler alert: I still don’t have cable, but I did willingly download viruses to my computer in the name of watching this shit live (in a v illegal manner I might add) so you betches can get your recap relatively on time. You’re welcome. Anyways, back to the recap. If you’ll recall, last season was fucking insane: Mr. Blossom murdered Jason, resident DILF FP Jones is in prison, Cheryl burned her literal life to the ground, and there was a shooting at Pop’s Diner where not one, but TWO
adult snacks main characters were present. I’m still high off fumes from Cheryl setting everything she loves aflame, so I’m really fucking ready for this season to start. Let’s get started, shall we?
The episode starts right where we left off last season: with the diner shooting. The whole scene is v chaotic. Archie
is in a state of utter panic looks like me after a night of binge drinking, waking up to realize I texted, “miss you,” to some random dude I met on Bumble. Then we’ve got Jughead over here, narrating the whole thing and being the cunt-iest backseat driver I’ve ever seen in my whole damn life.
JUGHEAD: Archie was careening down the streets of Riverdale! And he doesn’t even have a license!!!
The amount of shade Jughead manages to throw at Archie while he drives his dying father to the hospital is honestly inspiring.
Elsewhere, the Coopers are about to sit down to a nice pancake breakfast, when Betty decides to tell her mom all about how she dry-humped Jughead last night on his kitchen counter. She’s being way too fucking honest about her sex life rn, and it’s concerning.
MRS. COOPER: How was your night, sweetie?
BETTY: Well I almost lost my virginity in Jughead’s trailer, but then the Southside Serpents interrupted us by offering my boyfriend a spot in their gang. Can you pass the syrup?
MRS. COOPER: *Sighs* Well at least he’s not related to you.
Gotta love this town.
The gang gathers to meet Archie at the hospital. Veronica apparently drank an entire bottle of Cristal before visiting her boyfriend’s dad in the hospital, which feels more appropriate than Betty’s morning, tbh. Also, respect for being 16 and drinking better champagne than I have tasted in my entire adult life.
Okay, Archie is acting sketchy AF about the shooting. Like, he’s hiding something, or he’s trying very hard to act. It’s really 50/50 at this point.
Lol, I love how Veronica is trying to win the Best Girlfriend of the Year award while sloshed. *slow claps* Never change, Veronica, never change.
They convince Archie to go home and change his clothes, because he’s freaking everyone out with his bloody shirt and yet suspiciously clean varsity letterman jacket. Hmm. First signs that Archie is lying his fine ginger ass off about what really went down at Pop’s?
Okay, since when does Archie have a dog? Like, where was this thing when he hosted a frat party in his living room and dry-humped Veronica on the pull-out couch? And, wait, it has a name? Its name is Vegas?? I have so many questions about this damn dog. Like, why I’ve never seen him before in my entire life and why his sole purpose on this show seems to be cock blocking the audience from witnessing another Varchie sex scene. You’re on my list, Vegas. You. Are. On. My. List.
Oh Jesus. Is he going to walk that thing looking like a walking crime scene? I mean, how hard would it have been to take your bloody shirt off before strolling through the neighborhood, Archie? Hmm? You take it off every other episode, so why is this any different?
Praise. Archie is finally earning his paycheck by being wet and broody, wiping the blood off his naked body, and I might pass out.
Meanwhile, Veronica thinks now is the appropriate time for a quickie. Archie is like, having an existential crisis, dealing with the potential death of his father, and Veronica is emotionally masturbating about their relationship. Wait. I am Veronica. Veronica is me.
This. Shower. Scene. Though. I don’t know whether I should be turned on or disgusted, because I’m pretty sure the entire cast was born the year I was learning to how to read.
Back at the hospital, everyone is blowing up Betty’s shit about still being a virgin, but like, do they not see that crew neck GAP sweater she’s wearing rn, right? That should have been a dead giveaway that her hymen is 100 percent still intact.
Cheryl walks in right at that moment looking like a fucking queen and treating her burn victim mother like this season’s must-have accessory. And YES you read that correctly. Her mother, who last we saw was losing her damn mind on the front lawn, while Cheryl gleefully watched her childhood home burn to the ground, is covered in burns from head to toe. This is suspicious AF. I mean, last we left off, Cheryl hadn’t set fire to any humans in her life (yet), and her mom was safely outside the fire… so does that mean Cheryl went back for round two?? I NEED ANSWERS, RIVERDALE WRITERS.
Archie and Veronica have finally disentangled themselves from each other, because maybe they should, like, check on Archie’s dying father? Maybe?
In typical fuckboy fashion, Archie tries to kick Veronica out of his house 2.5 seconds after pulling off the condom. *takes deep, calming breaths* And this is why I have trust issues. I know his dad is like, dying and all, but he’s lucky that a dime piece like Veronica Lodge is even giving him the time of fucking day. BYE.
God. Jughead on a motorcycle is literally all of my sexual fantasies come to life. If there’s ever a Suite Life reboot, they should incorporate this motorcycle somehow. Disney Channel, I’ll be waiting.
Wait… V thinks her mother placed a hit on her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Andrews?? Honestly, not that far-fetched…
HERMIONE LODGE: You really think I would kill my ex-boyfriend just because your father is coming home and I made out with Fred that one time?
VERONICA: If the Manolo Blahnik fits…
If only I’d had this comeback when I accused my mother of purposely shrinking my favorite pair of 7 jeans.
I love how Betty and Jughead can just walk into a crime scene and look for evidence. I forgot that they work for
the press their high school newspaper and therefore have access to such things. Like, I’m sorry, but I’ve watched every episode of Law & Order: SVU ever made at least 30 times, so I like to think of myself as something of an amateur detective, and there is no way in hell that Olivia Benson would let a kid with a beanie fuck with her crime scene.
^^Actual footage of me restraining myself from calling the Riverdale writers out on Twitter for their bullshit.
Also, it seems incredibly unlikely that mere hours after a shooting took place, the police are just done with the crime scene. What, did they just peek in and say, “That’s enough for us, we’re all cool here”? I mean, this is like Rosewood PD levels of bad police work. I can’t.
Lol, I love how Betty is just like, “Let’s look for his wallet while we’re at it!” OH BETS. YOU THINK THEY’D LEAVE A PIECE OF EVIDENCE LYING AROUND? Did you think the criminals were just like, “Yes, best leave it here in case some teens come by to get it for him.” Did you?? Smdh.
Poor Pop is mopping up pools of blood and meanwhile Betty and Jughead are just like, “Have you started serving lunch yet or…?” Watching them eat an entire lunch spread and argue about their relationship status whilst sitting next to a pool of blood is something I have not seen
since I last dined in Brooklyn in my damn life.
Okay, Cheryl threatening her burn victim mother is literally everything I’ve ever wanted to say to an ex-boyfriend ever.
MRS. BLOSSOM: *makes brief eye contact with Cheryl*
CHERYL: You breathe because I allow you air. Got it, bitch?
Archie finally lets us know wtf happened at Pop’s. It’s cool. I’ve only been waiting all fucking night, but take your time.
So apparently after the masked gunman shot Fred Andrews, he held a gun to Archie’s head
to test his acting abilities, and Archie just like, blacked out? It’s unclear. In a surprise to no one, Archie knows nothing and remembers nothing. You don’t make it easy to love you, do you Arch?
Archie walks in on Cheryl making out with his indisposed father, and it’s actually not the creepiest thing I’ve seen on this show tbh.
ARCHIE: Wtf are you doing?
CHERYL: I’m giving him the kiss of life.
I swear to fucking god, if Cheryl becoming a dementor is a plot twist this season, I’ll still be totally on board, because she is a queen, and I’ll follower her anywhere.
So this entire episode, Archie’s dad has been having dream sequence flashbacks in what I can only assume is The CW’s attempt to waste my time and get my hopes up that Archie won’t dump Veronica the second another hot new girl rolls up in town. Nice try, but it
won’t work is definitely working on me, please don’t crush me and my fragile feelings.
Also, his dad is imagining Archie and Veronica’s wedding, and all I can focus on is why Archie is in a kilt? Is it because he has red hair? Because that’s racist, CW.
I love watching Betty try to explain to Jughead that she’s low-key into bad boys. Like, Betty, you can stop with the whole good girl act. We all know that you would willingly leave your virginity on the floor of that trailer if Cole Sprouse shrugged into his jacket one more time.
Veronica, who has clearly watched the “Look What You Made Me Do” music video way too many times, causally threatens her parents (P.S. her dad is back! And it’s Kelly Ripa’s husband!) for maybe trying to murder her boyfriend’s dad, when they yell at her for drinking all of the Cristal and showing up late to dinner. Honestly, she’s bringing up some amazing points.
The episode ends with Archie sitting on his ass vowing to protect his family from intruders. Maybe it’s the baseball bat that he’s tapping in time to the background music or maybe it’s the milk crate he stole from an Urban Outfitters ad, but I just cannot take him seriously when he’s like this. Archie, you’re a dumbass, go to bed.
WAIT WTF THE MASKED MAN KILLS MRS. GRUNDY?? What. The. Fuck. I mean, she is seducing underage high school boys, so she totally got what she deserves, but like, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
I’m just having a lot of feelings rn, so if y’all need me I’ll just be Olivia Benson-ing the shit out of these case facts to see if I can figure out who masked man is by next week. Byeee.