While casually perusing the internet this week, I had the misfortune of stumbling upon an article from the New York Post entitled, “Hamptons Bachelors Are Getting Vasectomies So Gold Diggers Can’t Trap Them“. I pause. I look around. Is it April Fools? Is this a fucking joke? Surely this is some kind of satirical statement about what the world would be like if the Trump agenda continues to pass? Right? RIGHT?!? I click. No. Sadly, this article is real. Too real. And there actually are multiple grown adult men who think that women who vacay in the Hamptons (aka us) are doing so in order to get pregnant and have their shitty rich guy babies. Vom.
From the very first sentence, this article lets you know exactly what type of bro would get a preemptive anti-gold digger vasectomy:
“When Scott, a male model who says he’s in his 30s, kicks off the Hamptons high season this weekend at his Sag Harbor waterfront house, the unattached hunk won’t have any reservations about hooking up with women he hardly knows.”
Okay so like, as far as I can tell there are upwards of 100 things wrong with just this sentence alone. First and foremost, can someone confirm to me that this “male model who says he’s in his thirties” and got dick surgery to avoid condoms named Scott is not actually Scott Disick? This could 100% be Scott Disick.
Secondly, “says he’s in his 30s” is a very strange way to describe someone’s age. Does the author have reason to believe that Scott is not, in fact, in his 30s? I’m picturing a 60-year-old in a flat brim hat screaming about how he keeps meeting gold diggers on “The Tinder,” and considering that Scott does not provide a photo of himself here (probably for the best), I’m going to go ahead and say that I am 100% correct.
Other problems with this sentence include, but are not limited to: the use of the words “unattached hunk,” which made me want to gouge out my eyes, and the fact that potential future child support payments are the only reservation this 30- (read: 60-) year-old man has with having unprotected sex with women he barely knows.
Scott, if you’re reading this, you have HPV. I don’t know this, but I know this.
Now, while truly every part of this article is a nightmare freakshow from fuckboy hell, I’ve chosen a few key parts to highlight the many, many problems presented here by at least five men, all of whom should be deported and sent to live on that island made of trash in the Pacific.
First, there’s this sentence, which will haunt me until the day I die:
“Scott — who describes himself as “Tarzan with light eyes” — typically beds up to 10 different women per summer and estimates that 20 percent of the single ladies he encounters are looking to trap a rich guy with a baby.”
Okay so this definitely is Scott Disick. Tarzan with light eyes? What the fuck is that? In no universe is it okay for a man to describe himself this way (unless he’s giving his Bachelorette contestant bio, in which case, anything goes…)
So let’s break down this math. White Tarzan hooks up with 10 women per summer, and of those ten at least two of them (20%—I know math) are attempting to trap him with their ovaries. Interesting hypothesis, Scott. I would like to now provide a counter-hypothesis: you’re a fucking dumbass.
Here’s what I imagine a conversation with Scott would be like:
WOMAN: Hey, are you in line for the bathroom?
SCOTT: Wow. Okay. Um. I’m actually not interested in a relationship right now, but thank you. *touches small of woman’s back as he walks away*
The article then introduces us to Matt, a 41-year-old divorced Park Slope resident who “works in media and drives a Jaguar convertible.” Please excuse me while I grab my vibrator. Can’t imagine anything sexier than a 41-year-old divorcé who lives in Brooklyn and has a car. Where would I ever find such a prize?
Matt got his preemptive vasectomy in four years ago in May, to ensure that his penis was thoroughly useless by the time summer came around. What poor Matt doesn’t realize is that his penis was useless all along. The call is coming from inside the house, Matty.
According to Dr. David Shusterman, the only man so sad and pathetic that he actually put his real name in this trash, these men “don’t want to be in the situation of being accused of fathering an unwanted baby.”
This doctor knows that pregnancy takes the work of two people to occur, right? Like it’s not something women do to men out of anger. In this scenario, you’re not “being accused of fathering an unwanted baby.” You just actually fathered an unwanted baby because you stuck your big money diamond dick unwrapped into a woman you’ve barely met. That’s why it happened. It’s not a trap. It’s science. How are you a doctor?
Dr. Shusterman adds that these men are also doing an “analysis of cost” because the price of a vasectomy is ultimately less than what they’d have to pay if they got someone pregnant. Um, okay…y’all know what else is pretty cheap? Condoms. Real cheap. You can buy a shitload of them on Amazon and fuck as many girls as you want. It’s kind of magical, really.
Then Dr. Shusterman adds, “rich guys are a population that’s abused a lot.”
And for that reason, Dr. Shusterman is now cancelled. Sorry Dr. Shusterman. It’s time for you to go back to the house, pack your things, and go home.
34-year-old bachelor John (who asked to have his name changed for reasons that will become clear in a moment) says that last summer a woman “pulled a fast one” on him when he caught her trying to artificially inseminate herself in his bathroom with the remnants of their used condom.
What the fuck kind of women is John hooking up with? The average twenty-something Hamptons goer (aka me) is not usually in a place where “getting pregnant” is even in the top 10 of your to do list. If a woman is at the Hamptons hooking up with rando rich guys, she’s probably looking for access to his liquor cabinet and the opportunity to take pics by his pool. That’s it. Do these guys really think that young, hot women—who, btw, have enough money to be vacationing in the Hamptons without trapping men into lifelong child support payments—want to destroy their lives, and more importantly, their vaginas, by having their shitty kid? I think not. Also, and I wouldn’t put it past a group of rich caucasian Tarzans not to know about this, but there is a little thing called the GOP healthcare bill that is going around, which the CBO estimates would raise maternity coverage by one thousand dollars per month so yeah, getting pregnant isn’t this biological piggy bank that women can break open at any time. It actually costs us money.
How much do these dumbasses really think their child support payments are worth? I’m not saying that there aren’t women out there desperate enough to do such a thing (I’ve heard it’s a pretty good way to become First Lady, actually) but this is not the norm. The idea that these guys are encountering multiple women per summer who are sneaking off into the bathroom and turkey basting themselves in order to trap men into fatherhood honestly says more about where they’re going to pick up women than it does about the women themselves. Like, where are you meeting these women? RussianEscorts.Com?
Heads up, dudes—if ya girl first approached you on a street corner and told you that her name was “Candy Crush,” she’s probably not “off work,” if you know what I mean.
Literal prostitutes aside, I highly doubt there are this many women in the Hamptons looking to get knocked up. Having a baby isn’t like…easy for women. It’s not like they just have the thing and use all the child support money to go on trips. They use the money to raise a fucking baby for the next 18 years. Nobody is like, “Oh! I’m gonna get pregnant so I can start getting gel manicures!” Chances are, if you get one of your random Hamptons hookups pregnant she is just as upset as you are. Actually, probably more upset because now she has to deal with your dumbass for the rest of her life, or at least has to go through the trouble of sending you a Venmo request for half the price of an abortion.
So to Matt, John, Scott and all the other men who contributed to this article, I think I speak for all women when I say: You can go shave your back now. K Bye.