It's safe to say that last night's episode of RHOBH was highly entertaining. We got some great cross shit talking from both Team Kyle and Team Lisa, an intimate look into the early stages of construction on Lisa's new gay gahhhhhren bar Pump, and first hand access to newbie Carlton aka the Wicked Witch of West Hollywood's satanic worshipping / pro-bumble bee house and family. Top it off with a really cute bonding sesh between the housewives and their hispanic housekeepers, and an appearance by Taylor Armstrong (who is like the Charlotte York of RHOBH, she’s a social climbing wasp who dates her divorce lawyer) and we’ve got ourselves a truly amazing episode.
“Don’t tell me you’re my friend, make me a juice cleanse instead señorita”
“Chew that almond really well Gigi because that's your total calorie count for the week.”
Complimenting your husband for not cheating on you is the saddest move a person can pull. But not sadder than wearing clogs.
“I feel like Lyme disease has allowed me to be a better husband.” Lyme disease: the new couples therapy.
“Gigi feels really dizzy from doing the master cleanse, it’s definitely dangerous for her to ride her horse.” If you hadn’t realized, these people are white.
Yolanda: I do therapy every day
Lisa: Like what?
“My recovery is an everyday job. So like, I got a job you guys.”
“I’m from this town and I know what’s real and what’s fake and Lisa’s faint was def fake yo”
OMG Kyle's family room has everyone's names on their own personal chairs. WE GET IT. YOU’RE NOT DIVORCED YET.
“Everybody loves a comeback story. I mean have you not seen the end of Beethoven?”
I have a sneaking suspicion that the person Kim was talking to on the phone hung up long before she realized. In fact I’m almost certain Kim speaks to herself 50% of the day. That’s why she got Kingsley, so people are no longer worried when they hear shouting coming from her house. SHUT UP! NO YOU SHUT UP!
Kim is like THE specialist when it comes to fainting. “…I LIKE, INVENTED FAINTING”
“In Beverly Hills the higher you climb, the more likely you can afford a moving company, clearly I didn’t climb high enough”
“This is my grown up room” – Things grown ups don’t say
Obvi Brandi didn’t forget to pack her copy of Nice is Just a Place in France. One of the first things she brought to her new house, clearly an essential.
“I’m not taking them out Dad. Boobs are staying” – Things good moms say
“Having a ghost writer has always been a good way for me to express myself.”
“You can never be too young, too thin, or too boring”
THAT guy was the man of your dreams? Weak dreams bro.
“Life is a sexy little dance and I fake fainted during mine”
The future location of Pump looks like it should be in Breaking Bad
Betchiest line ever (about Kyle, obviously) “You just have to put your house on the market and you’ll bond really quick.”
Second betchiest: “This is too bitchy I shouldn’t say it…but I’m awfully glad I did”
“Ur-eye-nals” is the new urinals.
Ken IS Austin Powers: Spy Who Almost Shagged Me But Couldn’t Because of a Faulty Hip Replacement
“In my world money doesn’t talk, it prays to Satan”
“David represents top athletes in the industry so it's important that our daughters be physically fit enough to outrun the devil.”
“I don't ground my children I just have an exorcist come and suck the devil out of them.”
– How did you and your husband meet?
– Well I beat the shit out of this girl that was talking to him and then we lived happily ever after.
This witch lady is like really defensive over this bee.
“My daughter swore one time she was three years old she was standing in front of the mirror and she said “mommy do i fucking rock?” and i said “no you look fucking beautiful” “…. I think Carlton gets all her mothering lessons from Aldous Snow
Wait did you marry David Blaine?