Things got a bit heated during part 2 of the RHOBH reunion both figuratively, i.e. the many tense arguments, and literally, i.e. the temperature of Carlton’s body was def at demonic levels last night. Like, she was so mad at Kyle that if you looked closely you could almost see her hair sparking up but the flames were quickly put out with either her several anti-fire spells or Joyce spitting from across the couch.
So we’re back at our Beverly Hills Reunion Ranking to see who is winning and who is flat out losing. Surprisingly, Kyle hasn’t broken yet and is doing really well. Yolanda too despite the fact that she’s still dressed like a yodeler who was drowned in a tub of orange creamsicles.
7. Lisa (last week: 2)
Lisa plummeted down the chart from second place to last making the biggest drop in Beverly Hills Reunion Ranking history. Why? Because we saw through all her bullshit last night. And because her makeup started to wear off and she looked a bit like corpse.
In Lisa’s defense, she did give Kimberly a graduation gift and RSVP’ed no. So it’s really not a big deal she didn’t make it. Kim’s just pissed off she doesn’t get comp’ed at SUR.
The way Lisa denies the shit she’s done, like talk shit about Kyle in her blog, has become so old and transparent, she’s like, “I don’t think I said that, did I?” and then squints her eyes and looks the other way. FOS. No not french onion soup, FULL OF SHIT.
6. Carlton (last week: 7)
Ugh Carlton needs to go away. It’s really wild how much we liked her in the beginning of the season and how much we hate her now. Mostly because she’s a grotsky little biotch, by definition.
Escaped her stepfather through magic. That’s frightening.
“IT IS NOT ABOUT A BEAUTIFUL STAR OF DAVID” Then what is it about Carlton Banks? We’re so bored of this argument we forgot.
While “Vile Kyle” is a great nickname, it sucks coming from you.
5. Joyce (last week: 6)
It’s really unfortunate that they had to choose these outfits and commit to them for a three hour aka week long event because Joyce is actually dressed like a slutty Disney princess.
Stop fake crying over other peoples kids, Joyce.
For some reason everything is so much funnier when you say Joyce’s name at the end. JOYCE.
IT’S NOT A COMPETITION JOYCE – Brandi, best line of the season.
People who just laugh as a means of argument are clearly too stupid to argue…cough JOYCE.
The fact that Joyce is/was on a show called Siberia is a joke on its own.
Ps. It was on NBC, it got cancelled. Here are some amazing shots.
Please note the tagline
4. Kim (last week: 3)
Kim fell down in rank not because she cannot contain herself with her daughter leaving the nest but because she said there is something about Lisa that makes Kim want to be friends with her. COME THE FUCK ON. Can people stop fueling Lisa’s ego? It’s bigger than Adrienne Maloof’s balls by now.
In response to Lisa saying Kim confided in her: “I dont trust you with my shoe, I wouldn't trust you with an old pair of socks”
In other news, Kim’s British accent is so bad how the fuck is she an actress? YOU DON’T SOUND LIKE YO FROM LUNDUN
Attention everybody! There’s a new movie coming out called “There’s Something About Lisa” where Kim plays Ben Stiller!
I can’t (but like I can) believe this woman brings a juicer to any overnight event. #BUTREALLY
Andy: How’s Gigi?
Yolanda: She’s great she’s a Victoria’s Secret / Sports Illustrated Rookie of the Year.
Andy: How’s Kimberly?
Kim: She’s a Kappa Kappa Gamma!
It must be actual torture for these (post)menopausal women to sit through these montages of their children leaving for collage..again. But also, stop fucking sobbing THEY DIDN’T DIE.
3. Brandi (last week: 5)
Brandi doesn't want to get a face lift so she doesn't look like “that girl who was fired last year.” For a second I wasn’t sure if she was talking about Adrienne or Taylor.
I hate to agree with Joyce but Brandi really does love to play the victim. Like when is she not talking about how her ex doesn’t let her see her kids or how she’s facing depression or how her new pet bird doesn’t have a regular period.
Andy: Are you on Lexapro now?
Brandi: 10 mg thanks!
Joyce: Actually the paparazzi followed me to Puerto Rico.
Brandi: Ya because you called them there.
2. Yolanda (last week: 4)
Seriously pulling a Juan Pablo here:
Andy: Do you think Kyle was trying to goad her?
Yolanda: What means goat?
Victoria Secret Rookie of the Year.. I mean Sports Illustrated. Lyme brain!!!
Did Gigi's departure cause her to like go through some Girl Interrupted shit, like cut her own hair off in the bathroom? Because there’s no way a Beverly Hills stylist will own up to that bowl cut.
1. Kyle (last week: 1)
“I know what a pentagram is because I've seen it on Richard Ramirez the Night Stalker” First of all: Huh? Second: Kyle obvi said this to get Carlton really pissed off which further proved Carlton’s point that she’s just trying to get a rise out of her but Carlton can’t get her point across without looking like Satan so Kyle wins. Yay.
YOU WROTE MEAN THINGS ABOUT ME ON YOUR BLOG LISA!
Carlton: You’re like obsessed with me.
Kyle: I don’t give a flying fuck about you.
Andy (never ranked, always classy)
Andy: What is dark magic? – WHERE HAS THIS SHOW GONE.