As we all know, RHOBH has basically given up on itself so it could pass the torch along to Vanderpump Rules, a show on which the drama is far more realistic and doesn't revolve around blue necklaces and who is leaving for college. This week we were treated to a going away party for Gigi (now a bigger cast member than Kim) hosted by Mohamed (also a bigger cast member than Kim). Like I’m sure Mohamed self-catered this party with his little basket of herbs picked from the garden. I thought Gigi said his house was too big and embarrassing for her grad party? Is it okay now because this isn't really a party for Gigi but rather an opportunity for people to pretend to celebrate Gigi while actually just sitting around the perimeter of Mohamed's Arabic den watching the housewives fight?
“I'm from this town. I know what's real and what's fake and my desire to give Carlton the other part of her friendship gift after she yelled at me in public is fake.”
I can't believe Kyle thinks that a standard Apple setting is actually a spell by Carlton. “Something weird happened to my computer…. I stopped googling myself for long enough that the screen saver popped up!”
Of course Kyle is bawling during Gigi’s generic ‘I’m leaving’ speech.
Omg that was the worst acting segue I’ve ever seen. “Actually I need to buy some things for Puerto Rico. Do you want to come to the store with the Bravo camera crew and pick up some stuff??” Do you ever notice that wherever the houeswives shop, no one else does?
“Don't tell me you're my friend, divorce me because I wore sweatpants one time and we’ll become besties.”
“Carlton’s the kind of person who finds her spirituality not on Rodeo Drive.” – She says about the woman who was just talking about how she has a shit ton of money last episode.
“I’m buying 2 of these candles and I’m burning them and I’m praying to them if you told me to.” Well good to know that’s all it takes.
Does Mohammed employ the cast of Aladdin? He's like the sheik who buys virgins in Taken.
Literally half of Yolanda’s screen time is her reading texts from people who can’t attend her parties.
So Yolanda wore sneakers one time and Mohammed divorced her.
“You look like a basketball wife right now.” – True that.
When is David not recording something with Stevie Wonder?
Gigi's speech: “The best thing they’ve given me is their work ethic.” Your mom is a former model turned housewife. Let’s relax, she’s not exactly cleaning houses to pay your tuition. Though I will admit it was a pretty big sacrifice of her to go on this stupid show for the sake of your modeling career.
I love this awkward segue from Carlton’s necklace and earrings mismatch to Gigi’s cake. “Do WE want to have some cake Gigi or do WE want to be on our best eating behavior?”
“Everybody loves a comeback story but my children are never coming back.”
“This is my first daughter I get to move in with a boy.” – This is not exactly a lifetime milestone for YOU Kim. But she'll take any opportunity to help someone move.
“Life is a sexy little dance and I like to start shit amidst tangoing.”
Actually said “say what!?”” like she was Marlon Wayans when Kyle accuses her of saying the ring doesn’t match the necklace.
Lisa feels cornered and her voice starts to change. You can’t sit with us!!!
“In my world money doesn't talk it lights a candle and prays for Kyle’s demise.”
“I usually have a crystal down my bra.” Same.
Candle woman: “You’re really standing in your goddess power really well.”
Why is she sitting on her husband’s lap? What is this? Junior prom?
“I don’t like Kyle and I probably never will.”
“If anybody gets anybody to do their dirty work it’s Kyle.” Um she gave you a present she didn’t wage the War of the Roses you freak.
“You can never be too young too thin or too into vacationing with your bullies.”
I want everybody to go to Puerto Rico including my real life and cyber bully Brandi!
“In Beverly Hills the higher you climb the farther you fall into gradual paralysis.”
Brandi literally cannot move her face.
“There were rumors that she had Cedric deported.” Meanwhile at Lisa’s house: “And I couldn’t have a lesbian at my pool party. There were going to be girls there in their bathingsuits.”
“For Gigi’s sake we’re going to smile.” Is Gigi like the 7th housewife? She gets more parties than anyone.
“If anything happened to any member of my family I’d be in a straight jacket.” Kim’s like “yessss SOML”