Revenge Recap: Shakira murders Frank, her hips don’t lie.

Here we are again, Thursday morning, thinking back on the show that's supposed to fill the hole that True Blood has left in our hearts. But instead of vampires eating people, Revenge provides us with people just staring at people for long periods of time. Badass.

We're usually left with trifling questions like, when will Jack realize that Emanda is Amanda, or when will Nolan get a haircut. However this ep was just kind of boring, and reeked a little too much of Gossip Girl. Maybe it's us though, because we're constantly distracted thinking about how if Shakira and Charlie from GG had a love child, you would get the original Emily Thorne, the miscreant hick who has never been outside of the United States. Being a stripper in the Hamptons is so jail chic.

But there seems to be a subtle lesbo plot forming with the Amanda-Emilys. First it was the way new Amanda Clarke hugged ex-Amanda Clarke, like why were they about to make out? Friends don’t stroke each others' hair. Then it was the way new Amanda was fondling ex-Amanda's porch…after she was supposed to be in Paris. They totes fooked in baby jail, no?


EmandaGrool locks Mandy


Seriously though, even the preview for next week didn't have anything remotely interesting or scandy for us to keep watching, but we will. Oh and like where the fuck is Emanda's picture with the big red Sharpie? Free the Sharpie!

Alternate Revenge Plot: Emandas dad comes back from the dead and stages an acapella concert featuring the cripples and minorities of the Hamptons. See photo.

Call outs:

At first we were pissed because it seemed like they were going with the obvious “I don’t remember anything because I was in a coma but one day it’ll all come back to me when you least expect it” plot. But then Lydia rolled up to the Graysons' house and we knew the secrets would come out sooner rather than later. So what's the deal Victoria? You kick your husband out and the next best replacement is Sir Rolls-a-Lot?

More about Victoria and Rollsy – Vic's bedside manner reminds us of the scene from Misery when Kathy Bates smashes the guy's kneecaps with a sledgehammer.

That little Russian “cheers” that new Amanda pulled when she was drinking with Jack…what kind of Russian would ever be named Thorne? I guess that last name is more convenient for the show because otherwise Emanda would be traipsing around with the faux last name of Stalin, and people would def know she's up to something.


emanda's dad“Ohhh, Mr. Schuester”


Black girl and Tyler, ugh it's soo annoying when poor people start scheming. Go Occupy Wall Street and leave Emanda alone.

Oh yeah I hope when I fly off of a balcony and land on a car I won't be able to remember anything other than the fact that there's a poor waitress in the background of a photo I have.

LOL Moments

Opening scene: Emanda's scary ass evil eyes while she drives the car, so evil she won't take her hands off the 10 and 2 position.

Emanda and her bloody nose. What's with this show and not cleaning up wounds right away?

OMG. Ashley fooked Tyler!? No Revenge recap is complete without a gargantuan EWW for TyTy the Ging.

Also, Tyler's internship with Conrad seems so legit, clearly involving all sorts of crazy finance tasks like shredding papers at Conrad's Dune Road office while he lounges around reading Golf Magazine and calling Ty “indispensable.”

The joke that is the Hamptons PD. Let's go pull over some socialite for driving 25 miles an hour then we’ll get to the murder of Frank the Tank.

What was that ending with Emanda dressed as a fake robber? In the middle of the night Emanda awoke to the terror that she forgot to set the recording for tomorrow night's Hart of Dixie…so naturally had to go outside to do it on her iO app.

Jack talking about new Amanda Clarke: “I kinda felt like there was something about her.” – Listen bro, you need to stop feeling so much, and starting thinking fucking rationally to make one or both of the Emandas jealous. This is like Having a Penis for Beginners.

The original Emily Thorne sounds like Sean Connery. “I’m right where I should be and I think I may just shtay a while.”

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