Let's pretend like last night's episode wasn't both boring and creepy as fuck and try to postpone our declaration that Revenge has jumped the shark. Too soon. Anyway, much like that other show we recap, obvi this episode was all about “the main event.” This week: investor rush. Snoozefest.
We are so over Tyler and Ashley, both as a couple and as people. Maybe they'll be kicked off together. The only really interesting part of this episode was the revelation that Emanda has a shady arsenal of former movie characters hidden in her not-iPhone. Before it was the “warden,” and this week we got a little Karate Kid action with her Japanese guru throwing her cryptic sayings like “inside the viper's nest, you too must be a viper.” Arigato. Anyway, the fact that Emanda knew Mr. Miyagi was really fucking weird. When did they start giving Japanese lessons in juvie?
So after that, we just found ourselves thinking about all the places Revenge has stolen its plot points from. Has anyone made the correlation between this show and the OC, but reversed? We noticed when Vic told Emanda that everything's been off since she arrived. Daniel is Marissa. Emanda is Ryan. Eric VDW is Sandy Cohen. We suspect that Declan will be Daniel's cousin, brother-in-law, and gay uncle by the end of the series.
Why do we never question that Emanda speaks like she's reading out of an encyclopedia in her little openings? Its weird. We get it Mandy, you're a renaissance woman.
Victoria’s passive aggressive half-smile is like a weapon of mass destruction. It scares the shit out of us. She's suddenly gone from preparing outlandish weekly charity events to enjoying life's simpler pleasures, namely locking people in her mansion.
Why does Charlotte have such a shitty phone and why is she so lame that she would actually text someone '2night’s the night!!' Get an iPhone, ever heard of it?
Why are the povo kids getting so frisky in this episode?
How much money do you want Declan? Oh COME ON, not that plot again. How do people ever think that shit will work? Has she never seen a movie about teenage melodrama? The Notebook? Say Anything? Dr. Phil?
Is it just us or did the original
Emily Thorne Sean Connery and Jack Porter have the least sexy kiss ever? Something about it was nauseating…
…But not as bad as Victoria gently putting Lydia's hair behind her ear, vom. Or Tyler unbottoning his shirt and “crossing his heart.” Projectile vom.
The flashback of Emanda coaching Sean Connery how to be her. It reminded us of Lindsay Lohan in the Parent Trap, make sure your pierchings are identical.
Conrad is so responsible with his hedge fund's money that he creates a competition for clients between a gay escort and his irresponsible son who he considered sending to rehab a week ago.
Hahaha Daniel what a betch, namedropping Disneyland Tokyo when trying to relate to an Asian person. And we’re really supposed to believe this bro went to Harvard?
Why is Jack dropping by Emanda's house in the middle of the night to tell her he knows that rando girl she introduced to him?
“I told Amanda she can trust you…” No wonder Jack is poor, he’s so fucking stupid…”and next time if you don't come bearing polish for my hardwood surfaces, you can go back to your dive bar Po' Boy Porter.“